MichelleHenrie

The family drama getting repressed is coming through and tells me it will be a rocky road for Janie and her mother. In ways the opening was punchy but also misguided me on who was the main characters in the story. It led me to believe Nancy was going to be one of the most important characters and possibly the main character.

I love your writing! Knowing about Nancy's affair gives such another dimension to where this story is heading. My ancestors are from the south, specifically Georgia, so I always love stories in Georgia.

I think you have a solid fantasy beginning with the naming and world details. I was clear that the protagonist was leaving, but I didn't know why since The Zenith was considered a sanctuary until the girls death or where he/she hoped to go. You could consider if the description of how the mountains go from coast to coast paragraph is an info dump. I think the scene of finding the girl's body is enough to focus on, and possibly how that changes The Zenith from being a sanctuary. I thought the protagonist's reaction to the murder was spot on. I think the last bit after the reaction could be made punchier and part of the reaction if that makes sense. The protagonist seems to analytical in the situation for the "knew how The Zenith functioned" paragraph. Running sounds like the right reaction to me. 

I thought you did a great job setting the scene. The powerful moment of the child with the knife was chilling. And her resolution of wanting to see a therapist worked so well since she'd wanted you to guess. Beautiful work!

I don't know if I missed it, but I didn't realize the child was a girl until toward the end. Maybe we could hear her name earlier or receive another clue unless you wanted that to be a mystery.

Nice work setting up how Emily feels about Sky and the divorce. The plane having a problem in the air was great to get reactions. We have friends who own a fishing lodge in Alaska, and this reminded me of them and how their daughter can out-fish and out-gut any man since she's done it all for so long. I think you've struck the perfect voice for YA!

Very intense read and realistic. The situation with the food worked well to show the abuse, consequences of running, and as a moment for the two young boys to connect before they are used. Also, the dialogue was brilliant.

I'm liking the relationship of Emma and Jane. The world building sucked me in. Jane trying to help Emma out of her grief with some humor is working for me. Depending how dark the story becomes when Emma goes to Nantucket might determine if you need to tweak the tone of the story. I loved how the work "Nantucket" is what popped out of her mind after the sensory details of the gulls, a boat, and the waves. I thought this was handled with a deft hand.

Hey Brian,

I'm intrigued with how he has the same dream and is somewhat lucid to recognize he's snoring.

Maria sounds like a great character and is Whitman's foil. From our discussion tonight, I wondered if this was an actual phone call or within his mind.

Nice voice in this piece. The wistfulness of the closing line is excellent.

1 STORY STATEMENT

Caroline must release her fears of not being good enough and embrace who she is to find love.

After Caroline’s father abandons her and her fiancé jilting her for her best friend, she doubts self worth, and is ready to retreat into her old pattern of disappearing. Her late aunt’s will forces Caroline to push herself to figure out who she is and find love, or she’ll lose the inheritance.

2. ANTAGONIST STATEMENT

Caroline is her own worst enemy. She is riddled with doubts and cannot believe William could love her unless he has ulterior motives. Instead of facing her problems and attempting to find love, Caroline spirals into chaos by focusing on living her Regency dreams.

Her choices complicate the problem she faces. The farm animals are a nuisance. The Peacock is mercenary. And Caroline is not telling the people she trusts about her problems, and continually makes worse choices by not using a sounding board in the belief that she is making progress by not relying on others like she did with her ex-fiancé.

The stipulation to find love in Aunt Diana’s will is a secondary antagonistic force. Caroline is pressured to act quickly to find love. But because she is uncomfortable with herself, she avoids the core solution which would be to date, and instead runs off on wild tangents. Other people like the gold-diggers, the money-grubbing cousin, and fake fiancé influence Caroline’s decision to pursue a loophole to her aunt’s contingency.

3. WORKING TITLES

The Darcy Diaries: My Deplorable Love Life

Regency Rewritten

Pretense and Propriety

4. COMPS

Austenland (in reverse) by Shannon Hale

Would Like to Meet by Rachel Winters

5.  LOGLINE

After getting jilted by a "Mr. Collins" and gaining an inheritance with a caveat to find love, Caroline recreates Regency England in Connecticut to find a "Mr. Darcy"—but she's fallen for the wrong guy and stands to lose the estate.

6. INNER CONFLICT

Caroline doesn’t feel like she is worthy of love and compares herself to other. She has continually tried to remake herself to fit others’ expectations. Her sister is loud, beautiful, and vivacious. Her father is demanding and controlling. Her fiancé expected her to remain drab so he would shine. She doesn’t know who she is. Through getting to know her late aunt, she discovers it’s okay to be unique, to speak up, and take a chance to find love.

Caroline knows she can’t accept a gold-digger, but when William shows genuine interest in her, she pushes him away. Instead, she accepts a counterfeit love by hiring a fake fiancé who will fulfill her Regency role playing and cover the stipulation in the contract. But the lies eat at her because she strove to be honest in the past. Her inner conflict narrows her options down to two choices: continue lying to retain what she thinks she wants or be true to herself and risk her heart.

7. SETTING

The setting is contemporary Old Saybrook, Connecticut—which features spots with small town charm, grand estates, and the Sound. Old Saybrook is also close enough to Hartford to attend events such as the ballet and airport. 

Caroline’s normal life is at the bank, her apartment, and visiting her sister’s house with post modern furniture. Stepping into a Colonial building at the attorney’s office sparks Caroline’s imagination of belles at balls. The majority of the scenes take place at Caroline’s Victorian mansion, including a gourmet kitchen, sumptuous master bedroom, a dream closet, music room, parlor, a secret passage, her sailboat, and “farm”.