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JINJUP6RICHARDS

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  5. Thanks so much Minglu! I'll definitely work on the repetitiveness, I appreciate that feedback a lot!
  6. Thanks everybody for your suggestions and comments! I've incorporated what I could, and wrote out the rest of the first scene, which I include here below. Thanks again for reading! ---- The feather was blue, bright blue, as blue as the sky on a clear arctic day. It gleamed against the red and gold-turned grasses of the tundra, outshining even the lakes and ponds that pooled up every summer on the treeless plains. “Look,” Yoonis whispered to her daughter. “A firebird feather.” “Really?” Jayu breathed. The awe in her daughter’s voice echoed Yoonis’s own sense of wonder.
  7. I agree that my first sentences need word. I'm still not sure how to address that need but I am noting both your and Shola's advice to rework that bit. For now I decided to shorten some of the dialogue immediately following that sentence to get to the characters as fast as possible. I changed the word damnable to stupid. I think that Yoonis as the story will show is under a lot of unique pressures and is the type to curse in front of her child but that word is not integral to the story and I'm fine with changing it. Good to note about the confusion regarding the relic pool and why th
  8. I have also cursed in front of my children, I'm sorry I am not as responsible of a mother as I ought to be! But I don't want to trip anybody and I can replace it with the word stupid which I think many four-year-olds also think is a big bad word. I appreciate hearing about your confusion regarding the relic pool, I was able to write out the rest of the scene in order to explain more the connection between the Jayu's obsession with the magicians and the relic pool. If you don't mind taking a look at the full scene now that it's written I'm posting it here below! Thanks so much.
  9. The unmistakable scent of burning flesh rushed through his nostrils having been carried inside by the newly opened door. The burning flesh catches my attention. I am confused though by what's being carried (the scent?) and how a newly opened door can carry a scent. Can you instead say something maybe about the "scent wafted through the open door"? Something like that. A trio of papal enforcers entered in from the tower’s staircase. I think I need more of a scene set. Right now there's a door, and a tower, and a room? Is the room inside the tower? Is the room at the base o
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