DvanderVeen

Opening Scene of adult/new adult Science Fiction to introduce the main character, her special ability, and a little world building.

Security Guild Capital (Chesapeake District)

Shaanti closed her eyes to concentrate on keeping perfectly still. She held her head high, her shoulders back, hands pressed against the small of her back, and her feet shoulder width apart. It was torture. The more she tried not to move, the more her body demanded release. She was very good at many things - keeping still wasn’t one. Wearing her dress greys helped, they fit so snug. Her aunt had them specially tailored for the occasion, so this was her first time wearing them. Aunt Marguerite insisted they fit perfectly but Shaanti found they made it difficult to breathe.

She was Security Guild Academy’s top graduate and a commissioning ceremony specifically for her was a big deal. Standing at parade rest on center stage while Guild-master Halsey droned on about her accomplishments and her family legacy felt more like punishment. With Aunt Marguerite and Dad here together didn’t help. The two of them in the same room was like firing a laser into a hydrogen balloon.

With representatives from all the ruling guilds present, she needed to make a good impression. Everyone present were dressed in their respective guild dress uniforms. Everyone except Aunt Marguerite and Zachary Winthrop. Aunt Marguerite rarely wore the black and gold of the Fine Arts. Today she glowed with a magenta evening gown that draped to the floor. Blonde was today’s hair color of choice. Shaanti couldn’t remember a time when her aunt didn’t make a point of being conspicuously present no matter the circumstances. Her dad on the other hand was conspicuous by wearing his typical work clothes – his silver Science Guild lab coat covering a denim tunic. Zachary Winthrop, as the Central Committee Secretary, didn’t answer to any guild and therefore simply wore his typical charcoal grey business suit.

“Come on, finish already! I just want to get this over with.” she thought, and then from out of nowhere; “I wish my mother was here.”

Shaanti crushed the thought. “What am I thinking. Don’t be stupid!” Even so, her aunt’s many stories and the way she always lifted her up as an example and a challenge made Shaanti feel as if she were alive. Thinking of her now only made this affair more difficult to endure.

Thinking of her mother did provide perspective to the event. This day, this hour, marked the beginning. Beginning now, she would begin to prove herself worthy. She would be someone who mattered, someone important. She would be someone who made things better. She would fill the void left by her mother’s passing. She had to admit this ceremony was a good start. After today, there would be someone important in every guild who knew she was. The fact it was more because of her aunt than anything she had done, didn’t matter.

Why was the banquet hall so warm? The trickle of sweat drizzling down the back of her neck demanded her attention. She tightened her muscles to resist wiping it away.

The blend of curiosity, boredom, and amusement that everyone felt buzzed in her mind like white noise. They bombarded her senses, stimulated sensations of flavors and smells, making the need to keep still even more difficult. She ground her teeth to ease her nerves. Each person’s feeling stimulated Shaanti’s senses in different ways, mostly taste, smell and intensity of color. She never could enjoy food around a crowd of people, and she always cherished those rare moments of solitude. She had never yearned for solitude more than she did right now.

She tried to pick out who was who out of the chaos of sensations hoping the effort would distract her. She picked her aunt out easily enough, but that didn’t count. She knew the essence of Aunt Marguerite’s assertiveness too well. Tasting the sweetness of her aunt’s pride caused Shaanti’s chin to lift a little, and the corners of her mouth dimpled slightly. Then the odor of her disapproval contaminated the effect and Shaanti almost gagged at the sweet stench. Suddenly both vanished. Aunt Marguerite must have detected her intrusion and masked her feelings. Telepathic ability was a recognized genetic trait of her family ever since there was a means to measure it. Shaanti’s ability surpassed all other known occurrences.

As Guild-master of the Guild of Fine Arts, it really pissed Aunt Marguerite off that she enlisted with a rival guild. Still, Shaanti felt a warmth of pleasure that her aunt was proud of her performance, regardless of disapproving her choice. Typical, this internal war of yearning for Aunt Marguerite’s approval while resenting her domineering ways.

Wait. Shaanti’s breath caught as the bouquet of lust stimulated an equivalent visceral reaction. Her breasts tingled in sympathy with the intensity of someone’s desire. Who was it? The potential for juicy gossip quickened her interest. Careful not to move, she surveyed the room. Ah - there, in the corner, the Science Guild diplomat from Beijing. She seemed to glow. She was with someone junior, just a little older than Shaanti. Their heads were close together. Shaanti felt her face warm as the diplomat’s feelings caused her own body to respond - but then - she tasted the junior’s feelings. Hmmm – Shaanti’s throat tightened in reaction to the bitter taste of manipulation, and it quenched her sympathetic sexual tension. The blend began to nauseate, so she blocked them both out. She was glad she couldn’t tell what they were thinking.

She noticed Stefan with her peripheral vision. He was slouching! How dare he be bored when she itched with tension, but now that she paid attention, she tasted his love and pride. Her eyes moistened. For six years, Stefan had been teacher, mentor, friend, and sometimes torturer. Of all the academy cadre, he was most difficult to impress. His pride made her standing on display like this worthwhile. Then the scent of his personal ambition penetrated and ruined the effect. Her nose crinkled. She was his trophy as well as mentor and friend. Her success was a noteworthy addition to his collection of successful mentees. There were times when she wished she couldn’t sense what he felt. The occasions when the fragrance of desire penetrated her senses disturbed her. Even worse was her constant awareness of his ambition, informing her that without her family connections and her abilities he wouldn’t have taken such personal interest.

Her heartbeat accelerated when he straightened and she flinched when, in a piercing voice, he boomed, “Cadet Ritesh – Atten-Shun!”

Shaanti snapped her heels together and aligned her hands down her side. She placed her thumb and index finger precisely along the seam of her trousers.

“Assemmm-blee … Attention to orders!”

Sudden silence. Everyone’s eyes fixed on her. Everyone’s feelings became aligned, and she drew in a deep breath to absorb the sweet scent of anticipation. Feeling a little light-headed, she flexed her knees.

Even though he spoke directly to her, Stefan’s voice filled the room. “Cadet Ritesh, you are invited to accept citizenship with the Security Guild with all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities such membership entails. Do you accept this invitation?”

Shaanti concentrated on facing forward and said, “Commandant Meiner, sir, I accept.”

“Very well, raise your right hand and declare your oath of loyalty to your Guild.”

Shaanti raised her hand and … her mind was blank!

Heat flooded her face, her heart pounded. The sympathetic titter that swept the room didn’t help. She glanced at Stefan, but his expression remained impassive. She sensed his tension begin to rise.

Shaanti closed her eyes, took several deep breaths, and concentrated.

“Your name. Start with your name,” she thought.

Carefully spacing each word, she began. “I, - Shaanti - Cynthia - Ritesh …”

It was like opening a door. The rest of the oath followed easily, and she rushed through the words.

“… do solemnly pledge my loyalty to the Security Guild. I shall obey the orders of my Guild-master and all officers he may appoint to have authority over my conduct. I disavow all loyalties or obligations that do not advance my guild’s interests. I shall seize every opportunity to enhance my guild’s standing on Earth and the galaxy beyond.”

Shaanti lowered her hand and exhaled.

Stefan faced the audience. “Officers of the Guild, it is my pleasure to introduce Guild Citizen, Agent Shaanti Cynthia Ritesh.”

Shaanti beamed at the scattered applause while lasers scanned her image. She’d done it, earned her citizenship without her aunt’s involvement, and achieved top honors in the process. This achievement was hers and hers alone.

Aunt Marguerite and her dad were waiting when Shaanti stepped off the stage, but Stefan grabbed her elbow and steered her away from them to meet her Guild-master, Leonard Halsey. As Security Guild-master, Halsey was one of sixteen members of Earth’s Central Committee, the ruling government of Earth. Shaanti’s Aunt Marguerite, as Guild-master of the Fine Arts (known by its nickname GoFA) was a member as well. Shaanti was certain that all the attention she was receiving was because of her aunt, not because of anything she had accomplished. She felt her face warm as she was introduced to Halsey.

Halsey took her hand in both of his and bowed slightly. “Agent Ritesh,” Halsey was from Jamaica and his accent gave a musical lilt to her name, “Congratulations. We are expecting great things from you, provided I can keep your aunt from stealing you away.”

Shaanti resisted cringing from the feelings she noticed when he grabbed her hand. She forced a smile and nodded. “Th – th – thankyou Guild-master. I’m honored. I hope I don’t disappoint.”

She tried to tug her hand free. Halsey patted her hand before letting go. She sensed his obsessive ownership. That didn’t disturb her. Considering her abilities, her being a newbie, and him her Guild-master, his making her feel more like a possession than a person was not a surprise, no matter how unpleasant. What caused chills was an underlying malevolency. He thought of her the way a hunter views his prey. She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry.

“Secretary Winthrop expressed his regrets that business required him to leave, and he asked me to convey his congratulations as well. He looks forward to working with you in the future.”

Somehow the words felt ominous. The prospect of the second most powerful man on Earth looking forward to working with her should be thrilling. Halsey was making her feel like a scared little girl.

Shaanti was relieved when Aunt Marguerite pushed Halsey aside. She gave Shaanti a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Shaanti, well done. Your start was a little ragged, but you recovered nicely enough. You might possibly accomplish something noteworthy with Security so long as you don’t get yourself killed. If you’d chosen Fine Arts as I wanted there would be no question.”

Shaanti’s mouth tightened. Her aunt had relaxed her psychic guard and her skepticism irritated. Despite the annoyance, Shaanti was glad to have it replace her childish fear of Halsey. It had always been this way, her aunt praising her accomplishments while dismissing her independence. This was why she didn’t follow her into the Fine Arts or her dad into Science. Whichever guild she chose, the rivalry between her aunt and her father would intensify. She was sick of the pretense. They pretended she mattered more than her potential and Shaanti had to pretend she didn’t see through the facade. She clenched her fist.

“It’s my life, Aunt. Security Guild is where I belong, not Guild of Fine Arts. Whatever I achieve will be because of my efforts, not because you’re my aunt. I’m going to be more than just the latest addition to the Heerah dynasty.”

Marguerite’s chin lifted and she arched her eyebrow. “You may call yourself Ritesh after your father, but you’re still a Heerah. You have Heerah genes, which means you were born with obligations. You could have chosen better.”

Shaanti’s eyes narrowed, and she leaned forward. Halsey discretely edged away. Shaanti pressed her fists against her hips to avoid pointing. They still trembled so she pinched a bit of material on her trousers. She knew people were watching and tried to keep her voice low but still her expression contorted into a snarl. “First of all, Aunt, it was my mother who took my father’s name. I chose Ritesh to honor her. My father had nothing to do with it. Second, my choices are my business.”

Marguerite and Shaanti stood rigid with eyes locked concentrating on keeping the other from sensing their feelings not realizing one didn’t have to be telepathic to notice.

Marguerite broke first, shook her head and chuckled. “Whether you care to admit it or not, you have the Heerah hubris.”

Shaanti’s father chose that moment to push himself in front of her aunt. There were no underlying complexities to his feelings and Shaanti didn’t need her telepathy to sense his fury.

“I deserve more respect don’t you think? Cynthia had good reason to take my name. My family’s name may not be as famous as ‘Heerah’ but it is just as distinguished. There has always been a Ritesh in the Science Guild. There have been several Ritesh Science Guild-masters and you could have been one of them. Shaanti, if you don’t want to acknowledge my family then change your name to Heerah. In fact, I wish you would. You’ve become nothing more than a…a policeman.”

Shaanti felt the heat of her blush. How dare he sneer! Before she could respond, her aunt answered first.

“I don’t approve of Shaanti’s choice either, but at least it’s honest. Anything is better than becoming another one of you Science Guild liars and cheats. It was your carelessness that killed my sister and then you and your cronies conspired to cover up your responsibility. You? Deserve respect? Hah!”

1)      Story Statement

Escape the evil politician who wants to control her or kill her and in the process create a life with meaning in spite of an out of control telepathic disability that does not allow for any privacy of thought

2)      Antagonist

Zachary Winthrop’s title is Central Committee Secretary. The Central Committee is the Earth’s global ruling body and is structured and operates similarly to the Soviet Politboro. Officially Winthrop’s responsibility is to handle the administrative tasks of the Central Committee but through blackmail, extortion, and underhanded use of drugs has leveraged his position into being a major power broker. He is the founder of the Mother Earth First (MEF) political party whose goal is to keep Earth as the dominant force throughout the galaxy and to keep all colonized planets subservient to Earth’s needs. Shaanti’s aunt is his primary opponent and rival and the only one his equal (if not superior) in various intrigue’s. Winthrop sees Shaanti as an opportunity to gain leverage over her aunt through the use of a new mind control drug. When that fails in its initial attempt he actively pursues capturing her and either achieving his initial intent or having her killed so that she can’t serve her aunt.

3)      Title

No Thought My Own

Everyone’s Thoughts but Mine

Between Dimensions

4)      Comparables

Vatta’s War  & Vatta’s Peace by Elizabeth Moon

Kylara Vatta is the daughter of a prominent family who leaves under family pressure to succeed who rises quickly to prominence.  Her family pressures and personality is similar to my main character

Dorsai by Gordon Dickson

Donald Graeme is from a prominent family from the planet Dorsai who has extraordinary intuit abilities similar to Shaanti with her telepathic abilities

For comps I’m looking primarily for characters dealing with family expectations to excel or stories about someone just beginning a life filled with promise when something happens that disrupts their understanding of who they are or what their destiny is.  A mish-mash of family saga w/

To Sleep in a Sea of Stars
Christopher Paolini, 08-10-22

The Dove Chronicles
Karen Bao 05-23-17
 

5)      Hook Line

Shaanti strives to fulfill her aunt’s expectations for political prominence but is determined to do so independent of her aunt’s influence making her vulnerable to her enemy’s schemes.

Shaanti strives to fulfill her aunt’s expectations for political prominence but is determined to do so independent of her aunt’s influence making her vulnerable to her aunt’s enemy’s schemes. 

6)      Conflict

a.       Inner Conflict

All her life Shaanti believes she must make up for her mother’s death by becoming a person of influence on Earth, someone who can make lift for everyone better. But, after escaping from Winthrop several times, seeing someone close hurt trying to protector, and finally killing someone with her special ability in a gruesome manner she faces the fact that exile is her only viable solution. Gone is any hope of achieving anything on Earth beyond simple survival. With the simplicity of life without ambition she discovers meaning in the relationships of the people around her.

b.       Secondary Conflict

Trapped in another empty dimension, isolated from everything she knew, she realizes she needs help. But who does she turn too, her aunt (her surrogate mother) or her father. Her aunt blames her father for her mother’s death and her father, burdened with guilt, looks to his daughter to help restore his reputation. In either case father and aunt hate each other and for Shaanti going to one for help will be interrupted as betrayal by the other. Ultimately she forces herself to decide by who is best able to help regardless of what the other will feel.

7)      Setting

Earth centuries later.  Unified under one government with nations dissolved. Instead society is broken up into professional and industrial ‘guilds’ with each ruled by a guild-master. For example Security Guild, Science Guild, Mining Guild, and Guild of Fine Arts (GoFA) the primary guilds of the story.  The guild-master’s collectively form the Central Committee, Earth’s government. The guild-master’s select the Central Committee Chairman, and the Central Committee Secretary (Zachary Winthrop).  Guild rivalry is vicious and there have actually been wars between guilds.

As backstory, the previous Central Committee Chairman was a tyrant. His mentor was Winthrop and his mistress was Shaanti’s aunt. Her aunt was a major player in having him overthrown. Winthrop had to use blackmail and extortion to keep from getting arrested and by turning on his mentor was able to secure his position in the new regime.  He hates Shaanti’s aunt for her role in deposing his mentor and almost causing his arrest.

Each guild has its capital, Washington City of the Chesapeake District is Security Guild Capital, London of the Britannica District is the GoFA capital, Shanghai of the Shanghai District.  The global capital is Singapore.  Global transportation is accomplished by Anti-Dimension (A/D) Transports which provides almost instantaneous teleportation across the globe.  Each cities has a transport hub where multiple A/D Transport Chambers are located as well as a central routing for Ride-Shares, the form of commuter train. The A/D is also used for inter-stellar travel reducing light years of travel to weeks or days.  Local travel is by MagVees, which are aerial vehicals which harness the magnetic field for both lift and propulsion. Also Ride-share is the public transportation, trains whose cars couple and de-couple as necessary to deliver passengers to their desired location.  It’s a bumpy ride, but reliable, basically the only means of transport for those who are not guild-citizens.

Society is heavily oriented towards meritocracy. Children are evaluated at birth to determine their potential.  If they score high enough they are groomed to be guild citizens.  Guilds compete viciously to attract the highest scoring prospects to join their guild, attend their academy and become guild citizens for their guild. Upon completion they swear loyalty to their guild and their guild-master.  Guild citizens are also evaluated by their psychological profile and the most advantageous matches in terms of marital success and producing offspring with high potential are strongly encouraged but not coerced.

At acceptance into an academy each guild citizen has an implant to connect them to C-Link, a computer network that provides communication and instantaneous access to all the world’s data so long as they have the necessary clearance. It also access their optic nerves to give the sense of a projected 3D image of who they are communicating with any other data available. Currency is a crypto. C-Link calculates the value of a crypto as the value represented by the minimum of what one person requires each year for housing, food, and clothing.  Crypto’s are indexed to the size of the economy so there is no inflation, or deflation.

Time zones are eliminated and everyone operates on a 26 hour day so the timing of night and day travels across the globe.

Populations are concentrated in cities and the Earth is heavily foliated to regulate carbon emisions.  Citizens who get into trouble either criminally or non-payment of bills are forced to emigrate to populate frontier planets.  Voluntary emigration is becoming increasing popular due to various social and economic restrictions on Earth.

Energy is by fusion from a rare radioactive metal called polonium. A colonized planet called Gwynfa is humanities primary source of polonium. 

The Art of Fiction

1. This book was helpful in giving insights regarding what to write. It gave perspective regarding the liberties a writer should embrace and the risks he should be aware of. The section regarding basic skills convinced me to develop the habit of writing and then proof reading what I wrote to develop the innate skill to write good sentences. Writing sloppily from the outset creates a huge task to pore over tens of thousands of words correcting multitudes of bad structure.

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3. I think this book actually complements the program very well. It sort of ‘connects the dots’ of the points made in the program. The Six Act-Two Goal structure emphasized in the program gives a good outline to interpret the section on plotting. It does introduce some styles of stories that do not fit the Six Act-Two Goal model, the epic specifically. However, identifying the exception validates the rule to my mind.

Write Away

1. Primarily this book is written mostly as a narrative of how Elizabeth George writes leaving to the reader the burden regarding how to apply her points personally. Similar to The Art of Fiction, Write Away outlines a number of tools a writer may use to pursue writing as a craft. It also touches on the inner thoughts a writer must have to produce a quality piece of work. Large sections of the book were not of particular use to me as it was so specific to George, although it did stimulate my thoughts regarding my own personal story as it unfolds. It did seem to me that George added bulk to her book by excerpting excessively long portions from other novels in order to make her point.

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3. One could say that her treatment of the different structure types differed from the course’s emphasis on the 6 Act-Two Goal structure. It’s not hard to convert what George calls the Seven-Step Story Line to the 6 Act-Two Goal structure, so in some degree it is semantics more than substance. However, George does not recognize back-story at all which I think is a lack in her description. Furthermore, George’s emphasis on actually becoming familiar in detail with the physical setting is constraining on the writer that I believe is contradictory to the general philosophy of the course. However, it has challenged me to make greater effort to incorporate the physical surroundings in my scenes.

The Writing Life

1. The book is obviously not meant to provide actual practical advice but a collection of essays regarding the personal contribution a writer must make to create something worthwhile. Much of her essays were entertaining and touched on topics that I could personally relate to, some of them even causing me to laugh out loud. I confess to a little impatience at the self-pity that comes through now and then. ‘Woe is me, what a tortured life I lead as a writer’. Anyone who creates experiences the ebb and flow of progress, reversal and compromise. Perhaps her last collection of essays about Dave Rahm recognizes the common trait of creativity regardless of the medium. Spending 30 years as an engineer, I see creation as a pragmatic endeavor and makes me glad for the experience to have perspective for the struggles necessary to create a worthwhile fiction.

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3. To say there were conflicts is not applicable as the theme of the book is less about the specific writing and more about the personal contribution writing takes. It seems to me sometimes that Dillard is more interested in the picture the words create rather than the story they need to propel.

Writing the Breakout Novel

I found that it was the best of the four that stimulated a critical examination of my own work. The author’s blending of examples from ‘breakout’ novels contrasted with common mistakes and weaknesses in novel submissions was immensely helpful. It helped me identify where I have fallen into those weaknesses.

a. As I stated before, your writing program emphasizes the 6 Act-Two Goal structure. If I took that literally as the only structure possible then, yes the book conflicts. However, I understand the concept of layered mastery of a skill and recognize the usefulness of your programs structure for beginners like myself. Therefore these books acknowledgement of other structures and how they are useful for different stories is complementary rather than contradictory. Since my story fits in well with the 6 Act-Two Goal structure I’ve been pretty comfortable with it.