Write to Pitch - March 2025

[EditorAdmin]

Introduction to Pre-event Assignments 

The below seven assignments are vital to reaching an understanding of specific and critical core elements that go into the creation of a commercially viable genre novel or narrative non-fiction. Of course, there is more to it than this, as you will see, but here we have a good primer that assures we're literally all on the same page before the event begins.

You may return here as many times as you need to edit your topic post (login and click "edit"). Pay special attention to antagonists, setting, conflict and core wound hooks.

And btw, quiet novels do not sell. Keep that in mind and be aggressive with your work.

Michael Neff

Algonkian Conference Director

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THE ACT OF STORY STATEMENT

Before you begin to consider or rewrite your story premise, you must develop a simple "story statement." In other words, what's the mission of your protagonist? The goal? What must be done?

What must this person create? Save? Restore? Accomplish? Defeat?... Defy the dictator of the city and her bury brother’s body (ANTIGONE)? Struggle for control over the asylum (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST)? Do whatever it takes to recover lost love (THE GREAT GATSBY)? Save the farm and live to tell the story (COLD MOUNTAIN)? Find the wizard and a way home to Kansas (WIZARD OF OZ)? Note that all of these are books with strong antagonists who drive the plot line (see also "Core Wounds and Conflict Lines" below).

FIRST ASSIGNMENT: write your story statement. 

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THE ANTAGONIST PLOTS THE POINT

(Photo : Javert from "Les Misérables")

What are the odds of you having your manuscript published if the overall story and narrative fail to meet publisher demands for sufficient suspense, character concern, and conflict? Answer: none. You might therefore ask, what major factor makes for a quiet and dull manuscript brimming with insipid characters and a story that cascades from chapter to chapter with tens of thousands of words, all of them combining irresistibly to produce an audible thudding sound in the mind like a mallet hitting a side of cold beef? Answer: the unwillingness or inability of the writer to create a suitable antagonist who stirs and spices the plot hash.

Let's make it clear what we're talking about.

By "antagonist" we specifically refer to an actual fictional character, an embodiment of certain traits and motivations who plays a significant role in catalyzing and energizing plot line(s), or at bare minimum, in assisting to evolve the protagonist's character arc (and by default the story itself) by igniting complication(s) the protagonist, and possibly other characters, must face and solve (or fail to solve).

CONTINUE READING ENTIRE ARTICLE AT NWOE THEN RETURN HERE.

SECOND ASSIGNMENT: in 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them.

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CONJURING YOUR BREAKOUT TITLE

What is your breakout title? How important is a great title before you even become published? Very important! Quite often, agents and editors will get a feel for a work and even sense the marketing potential just from a title. A title has the ability to attract and condition the reader's attention. It can be magical or thud like a bag of wet chalk, so choose carefully. A poor title sends the clear message that what comes after will also be of poor quality.

Go to Amazon.Com and research a good share of titles in your genre, come up with options, write them down and let them simmer for at least 24 hours. Consider character or place names, settings, or a "label" that describes a major character, like THE ENGLISH PATIENT or THE ACCIDENTAL TOURIST. Consider also images, objects, or metaphors in the novel that might help create a title, or perhaps a quotation from another source (poetry, the Bible, etc.) that thematically represents your story. Or how about a title that summarizes the whole story: THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES, HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP, etc.

Keep in mind that the difference between a mediocre title and a great title is the difference between THE DEAD GIRL'S SKELETON and THE LOVELY BONES, between TIME TO LOVE THAT CHOLERA and LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA between STRANGERS FROM WITHIN (Golding's original title) and LORD OF THE FLIES, between BEING LIGHT AND UNBEARABLE and THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING.

THIRD ASSIGNMENT: create a breakout title (list several options, not more than three, and revisit to edit as needed).

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DECIDING YOUR GENRE AND APPROACHING COMPARABLES

Did you know that a high percentage of new novel writers don't fully understand their genre, much less comprehend comparables? When informing professionals about the nuances of your novel, whether by query letter or oral pitch, you must know your genre first, and provide smart comparables second. In other words, you need to transcend just a simple statement of genre (literary, mystery, thriller, romance, science fiction, etc.) by identifying and relating your novel more specifically to each publisher's or agent's area of expertise, and you accomplish this by wisely comparing your novel to contemporary published novels they will most likely recognize and appreciate--and it usually doesn't take more than two good comps to make your point.

Agents and publishing house editors always want to know the comps. There is more than one reason for this. First, it helps them understand your readership, and thus how to position your work for the market. Secondly, it demonstrates up front that you are a professional who understands your contemporary market, not just the classics. Very important! And finally, it serves as a tool to enable them to pitch your novel to the decision-makers in the business.

Most likely you will need to research your comps. If you're not sure how to begin, go to Amazon.Com, type in the title of a novel you believe very similar to yours, choose it, then scroll down the page to see Amazon's list of "Readers Also Bought This" and begin your search that way. Keep in mind that before you begin, you should know enough about your own novel to make the comparison in the first place!

By the way, beware of using comparables by overly popular and classic authors. If you compare your work to classic authors like H.G. Wells and Gabriel Marquez in the same breath you will risk being declared insane. If you compare your work to huge contemporary authors like Nick Hornby or Jodi Picoult or Nora Ephron or Dan Brown or J.K. Rowling, and so forth, you will not be laughed at, but you will also not be taken seriously since thousands of others compare their work to the same writers. Best to use two rising stars in your genre. If you can't do this, use only one classic or popular author and combine with a rising star. Choose carefully!

FOURTH ASSIGNMENT: - Read this NWOE article on comparables then return here.

- Develop two smart comparables for your novel. This is a good opportunity to immerse yourself in your chosen genre. Who compares to you? And why?

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CORE WOUND AND THE PRIMARY CONFLICT 

Conflict, tension, complication, drama--all basically related, and all going a long way to keeping the reader's eyes fixated on your story. These days, serving up a big manuscript of quiet is a sure path to damnation. You need tension on the page at all times, and the best way to accomplish this is to create conflict and complications in the plot and narrative. Consider "conflict" divided into three parts, all of which you MUST have present in the novel. First part, the primary dramatic conflict which drives through the work from beginning to end, from first major plot point to final reversal, and finally resolving with an important climax. Next, secondary conflicts or complications that take various social forms - anything from a vigorous love subplot to family issues to turmoil with fellow characters. Finally, those various inner conflicts and core wounds all important characters must endure and resolve as the story moves forward.

But now, back to the PRIMARY DRAMATIC CONFLICT. If you've taken care to consider your story description and your hook line, you should be able to identify your main conflict(s). Let's look at some basic information regarding the history of conflict in storytelling. Conflict was first described in ancient Greek literature as the agon, or central contest in tragedy. According to Aristotle, in order to hold the interest, the hero must have a single conflict. The agon, or act of conflict, involves the protagonist (the "first fighter" or "hero") and the antagonist corresponding to the villain (whatever form that takes). The outcome of the contest cannot be known in advance, and, according to later drama critics such as Plutarch, the hero's struggle should be ennobling. Is that always true these days? Not always, but let's move on.

Even in contemporary, non-dramatic literature, critics have observed that the agon is the central unit of the plot. The easier it is for the protagonist to triumph, the less value there is in the drama. In internal and external conflict alike, the antagonist must act upon the protagonist and must seem at first to overmatch him or her. The above defines classic drama that creates conflict with real stakes. You see it everywhere, to one degree or another, from classic contemporary westerns like THE SAVAGE BREED to a time-tested novel as literary as THE GREAT GATSBY. And of course, you need to have conflict or complications in nonfiction also, in some form, or you have a story that is too quiet.

For examples let's return to the story descriptions and create some HOOK LINES. Let's don't forget to consider the "core wound" of the protagonist. Please read this article at NWOE then return here.

• The Hand of Fatima by Ildefonso Falcones
• A young Moor torn between Islam and Christianity, scorned and tormented by both, struggles to bridge the two faiths by seeking common ground in the very nature of God.
• Summer's Sisters by Judy Blume
• After sharing a magical summer with a friend, a young woman must confront her friend's betrayal of her with the man she loved.
• The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud
• As an apprentice mage seeks revenge on an elder magician who humiliated him, he unleashes a powerful Djinn who joins the mage to confront a danger that threatens their entire world.

Note that it is fairly easy to ascertain the stakes in each case above: a young woman's love and friendship, the entire world, and harmony between opposed religions. If you cannot make the stakes clear, the odds are you don't have any. Also, is the core wound obvious or implied?

FIFTH ASSIGNMENT: write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound following the format above. Though you may not have one now, keep in mind this is a great developmental tool. In other words, you best begin focusing on this if you're serious about commercial publication.

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OTHER MATTERS OF CONFLICT: TWO MORE LEVELS

As noted above, consider "conflict" divided into three parts, all of which you should ideally have present. First, the primary conflict which drives through the core of the work from beginning to end and which zeniths with an important climax (falling action and denouement to follow). Next, secondary conflicts or complications which can take various social forms (anything from a vigorous love subplot to family issues to turmoil with fellow characters). Finally, those inner conflicts the major characters must endure and resolve. You must note the inner personal conflicts elsewhere in this profile, but make certain to note any important interpersonal conflicts within this particular category."

SIXTH ASSIGNMENT: sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction.

Next, likewise sketch a hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment. Will this involve family? Friends? Associates? What is the nature of it?

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THE INCREDIBLE IMPORTANCE OF SETTING

When considering your novel, whether taking place in a contemporary urban world or on a distant magical planet in Andromeda, you must first sketch the best overall setting and sub-settings for your story. Consider: the more unique and intriguing (or quirky) your setting, the more easily you're able to create energetic scenes, narrative, and overall story. A great setting maximizes opportunities for interesting characters, circumstances, and complications, and therefore makes your writing life so much easier. Imagination is truly your best friend when it comes to writing competitive fiction, and nothing provides a stronger foundation than a great setting. One of the best selling contemporary novels, THE HUNGER GAMES, is driven by the circumstances of the setting, and the characters are a product of that unique environment, the plot also.

But even if you're not writing SF/F, the choice of setting is just as important, perhaps even more so. If you must place your upmarket story in a sleepy little town in Maine winter, then choose a setting within that town that maximizes opportunities for verve and conflict, for example, a bed and breakfast stocked to the ceiling with odd characters who combine to create comical, suspenseful, dangerous or difficult complications or subplot reversals that the bewildered and sympathetic protagonist must endure and resolve while he or she is perhaps engaged in a bigger plot line: restarting an old love affair, reuniting with a family member, starting a new business, etc. And don't forget that non-gratuitous sex goes a long way, especially for American readers.

CONTINUE TO READ THIS ARTICLE THEN RETURN.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: sketch out your setting in detail. What makes it interesting enough, scene by scene, to allow for uniqueness and cinema in your narrative and story? Please don't simply repeat what you already have which may well be too quiet. You can change it. That's why you're here! Start now. Imagination is your best friend, and be aggressive with it.

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Below are several links to part of an article or whole articles that we feel are the most valuable for memoir writers.

We have reviewed these and agree 110%.

MEMOIR WRITING - CHOOSE A SPECIFIC EVENT (good general primer)

How to Write a Memoir That People Care About | NY Book Editors

NYBOOKEDITORS.COM

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Are you thinking of writing a memoir but you're stuck? We've got the remedy. Check out our beginner's guide on writing an epic and engaging memoir.

MEMOIR MUST INCLUDE TRANSCENDENCE

Writing Memoir? Include Transcendence - Memoir coach and author Marion Roach

MARIONROACH.COM

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MEMOIR REQUIRES TRANSCENDENCE. Something has to happen. Or shift. Someone has to change a little. Or grow. It’s the bare hack minimum of memoir.

WRITE IT LIKE A NOVEL

How to Write a Powerful Memoir in 5 Simple Steps

JERRYJENKINS.COM

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When it comes to writing a memoir, there are 5 things you need to focus on. If you do, your powerful story will have the best chance of impacting others.

MEMOIR ANECDOTES - HOW TO MAKE THEM SHINE

How to Write an Anecdote That Makes Your Nonfiction Come Alive

JERRYJENKINS.COM

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Knowing how to write an anecdote lets you utilize the power of story with your nonfiction and engage your reader from the first page.

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[berenberg]

1. Write your story statement.

Trick the gods to save the magic and the world.

2. In 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them.

Dr. Javier Sanchez is a physicist from Los Alamos National Laboratory. Twenty-five years ago, he led an experiment that secretly was a method for him to gain supernatural powers. The experiment ended in an accident, killing several people. Now, Dr. Sanchez believes he has fixed the problems, but things again go wrong. Another accident displaces technology with magic within a 150 mile radius. The effect is unstable, though, and it will eventually destroy Northern New Mexico.

Only a survivor of the original accident can stabilize the project, because of powers gained from the combination of the two accidents. Those survivors include Dr. Sanchez himself, and Violet, who was a student research assistant for the original experiment. The stabilization process, however, will kill whoever performs it.

Dr. Sanchez tries to bring Violet back to Los Alamos. He works covertly, sending out various magical and non-magical proxies to retrieve Violet. Ultimately, he sets up a government operation that captures Violet and brings her to Los Alamos. He fakes his own death, adopts a disguise, and inserts himself into Violet’s team, all to make sure she succeeds in stabilizing the experiment. Dr. Sanchez’s true role is not revealed until the end.

3. Create a breakout title (list several options, not more than three, and revisit to edit as needed).

• Violet: As one result of the inciting incident, the protagonist’s hair turns bright purple. She chooses the name Violet, in part as a way to embrace her transformed self, and in part to hide her identity from enemies she has made in the course of her career, now that the protections she has come to expect from society no longer exist.
• The Enchanted Zone: The region where magic has displaced technology is called the enchanted zone by its denizens.
• Land of Enchantment: The state nickname for New Mexico, with an obvious relationship to “the enchanted zone.” I prefer this for the series title, but it would also work as the title for the first book in the series.

4. Develop two smart comparables for your novel. Who compares to you? And why?

The Wren in the Holly Library by K.A. Linde: Magic and monsters have entered the real world. The protagonist is a young woman who must learn how to use her newly-developed magical powers to protect and rescue the ones she loves. Other powerful forces want to use her for their own ends.

The Book of Doors by Gareth Brown: Takes place in the modern world. Magical books, known only to a few, give the possessor a magical power, one power per book such as the ability to walk through any door in the world just by thinking about it. The protagonist stumbles upon the title book, putting herself and her friends in danger, but also giving her the power to fight against those who want to use the books for evil.

5. Write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound.

A single mother must rescue her children from government conspirators after an incident in Los Alamos causes all technology more complex than a bicycle to stop functioning and brings the myths and folktales of Northern New Mexico to life.

6. Sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction.

Before the inciting incident (“the enchantment”), Violet was an attorney who sued predators – stalkers, guys who made deepfake videos, that kind of thing. The enchantment transformed Northern New Mexico, replacing physics with magic. It also physically transformed many of the people within the covered area (“the enchanted zone”).

Post-enchantment, Violet now looks like a deepfake image the latest defendant had made of her. As she sees it, it’s like all the predators she ever went after got their revenge on her all at once. She worries that she is no longer the same person. Those worries are perhaps confirmed when she discovers that she has also gained magical powers, but those powers sometimes cause her to lose control of her emotions and her actions.

For example, Violet ends up traveling with a man (Caleb) more than twenty years her junior. Violet sees he has a crush on her. Although she is flattered, and finds it cute, she is not interested. When Caleb breaks his arm, Violet uses her newfound powers to heal him. Powers she barely understands. As a side effect, Violet’s emotions become entangled with Caleb’s, and suddenly Caleb’s feelings become mutual. For the next several scenes, Violet struggles to separate her own emotions back out while also having to deal with the physical urges the entanglement has created.

Next, likewise sketch a hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment. Will this involve family? Friends? Associates? What is the nature of it?

Early in the story, Violet encounters La Llorona, a ghost from Spanish folklore. According to legend, La Llorona caught her husband with his mistress, then drowned her children and herself in the Santa Fe River out of spite. Now she wanders the riverside, seeking her children . . . or those of others.

When Violet comes across La Llorona, the ghost enters her mind and makes Violet think she has killed her own children. The memories fade after Violet wakes up, but they recur every time she sleeps, worse every time. The nightmares start to bleed over into the waking world, putting Violet’s real children in danger.

Violet eventually finds La Llorona, and they have a final showdown. “This ends here,” says La Llorona. “Yes,” says Violet, “but I’m the one who ends it.”

Violet turns the tables and enters La Llorona’s memories, but what she finds surprises her. Rather than fighting and destroying the ghost, as she expected to do, Violet releases her from a curse. This ties into the inner conflict by helping Violet see that her transformation was superficial. She ended up helping La Llorona, in the same way she helped her clients pre-enchantment. Underneath the new cover, Violet is the same person she has always been.

7. Sketch out your setting in detail. What makes it interesting enough, scene by scene, to allow for uniqueness and cinema in your narrative and story?

The story takes place in real-world settings of Northern New Mexico. In fact, the manuscript is divided into six parts, covering Violet’s journey from start to end. Those parts are:

• One: Santa Fe, primarily the historical Plaza area.
• Two: Pueblo Country, covering the Native American Pueblos along the I-25 corridor from Santa Fe to Albuquerque.
• Three: Albuquerque, including the foothills of the Sandia Mountains and the arroyo that runs from the foothills (where Violet’s home is located) down to the Rio Grande.
• Four: Rio Grande, covering various locations along the river, from Los Lunas south of Albuquerque to Bernalillo north of the city.
• Five: Jemez Mountains, the volcanic range that lies to the west between Albuquerque and Santa Fe.
• Six: Los Alamos, home to the National Laboratory and site of the story’s climax.

These settings bring in details that both locals and visitors will recognize, and they also provide a variety of supernatural elements.

For example, the story starts at the Santa Fe Plaza. Violet encounters her first supernatural creatures there, based on stories from the Spanish Inquisition in New Mexico. She finds temporary refuge in the historic cathedral at one end of the Plaza, but she is soon chased off because of the superstitious fears of other refugees. She is attacked by the ghost La Llorona along the Santa Fe River, which is a frequent location for many of the traditional La Llorona stories. She is then swept away in a river flood caused by a monsoon rain storm. (After I wrote that scene, I happened to get caught in a storm near the same location and took videos of the resulting flood.)

As another example, Violet makes it to her home along Arroyo del Oso (Bear Canyon) in the Albuquerque foothills. She evades capture by an Army contingent with the help of the spirit bear that the arroyo is named after. The bear carries her along the arroyo on its way to the Rio Grande. When the arroyo is channeled through a tunnel under a business district, they are attacked by a monster Violet first ran into in Santa Fe. They make it through, then pass by the city’s Balloon Fiesta Park on the way to the Rio Grande. The bear leaves Violet at a sanctuary farm, which is situated in a real-life agricultural area. The farm is too close to the river, though, and Violet must flee when La Llorona shows up again.

[Emerson Ormond]

(I could not get the copied text to un-bold)

Story Statement: A young girl must harness the war god’s power and lead her country’s dwindling army to victory.

 

Antagonist Sketch: The Commander

The Commander is the fearless leader of Carran’s military. He is unwilling to accept defeat or weakness in his army, even with the diminishing numbers of soldiers and surging attacks of the enemy. Together with the monarch, he is persistent on winning the war despite victory being so out of reach. The man is teeming with hubris, arrogance, and misogyny. Based out of the country’s singular surviving garrison, he trains his soldiers to follow his example and hold their own in battles with enemy numbers far surpassing their own. 

Fayre is everything he hopes to gain for his army and everything he despises. The Commander is hell-bent on victory and power, but unwilling to praise or recognize Fayre for her progeny or salvific powers. In his denial that a small peasant girl could be what his country needs for victory, he becomes his army’s worst enemy. He is callous toward her and others, and has little patience for her weakness. For the calculated, formidable man that he is, he makes rash decisions regarding Fayre which cost him dearly.  

 

Breakout Titles: 

An Army of Sword Lilies: Sword lilies have a symbolic meaning in the story. Shown to Fayre when she was a young girl by her Mari, she has always known them to represent the loss of an innocent life. Many characters come to be known as “sword lilies” as they pass in the trilogy, leading off with Merek, a young crippled boy who was killed in war. 

The Masked Progeny: Fayre is the descendant of Falak, the revered god of war. Yet, for both the Commander’s revulsion to a young girl being his country’s salvation, and the fear that if Fayre is discovered by enemy powers as the fulfillment of the prophecy to Carran’s victory, she is disguised as a male servant-at-arms, and made to wear the mask that all slaves do in her society, mirorring Vale, goddess of servitude. 

 

Genre and Comparables: 

Leigh Bardugo’s Shadow and Bone: Both novels immerse the reader into a world ravaged by war but filled with the hope of redemption by a girl who must learn to harness her powers to save her country.

Sabaa Tahir’s An Ember in the Ashes: Both are set in fictional medieval worlds that bring readers into the hardships of war and slavery, begging the question: is victory and power worth the lives of those who suffer to obtain it?

 

Core Wound and Primary Conflict:

(Two options… undecided)

Logline 1: In an attempt to protect her crippled friend from the horrors of the war front, a young girl is discovered to be the progeny of the war god, and must brave the world of men and war to lead her country’s dwindling army to victory.

Logline 2: Discovered to be the progeny of the war god with the power to bring down armies, a young peasant girl is forced to brave the world of men and war and lead her country’s soldiers to victory.

 

Two levels of conflict:

INNER CONFLICT: Fayre battles herself, and the war god’s power growing inside her. While she desires strength and the capability to win the war so that she can return home and protect her family and Merek, she is horrified at the idea of bloodshed. With every opponent she strikes down, she feels a chasm growing between who she once was and the killer she is becoming. Fayre understands that the enemy soldiers she battles wanted no more part in this war than she. She agonizes over every attack, and the lives of innocents that will end by her hands. 

Hypothetical: Fayre is told by the Commander on an overseas journey to Aerilon borders that the only way to protect Terrin and her family back home from harm, she must fight and lead her army to victory, cutting down all in her path. As the boat surges onto Aerilon sands, she is in turmoil over every enemy she will have to kill, even though she knows Falak will give her the power to do so. She aims to “wound, not kill,” but her wish is futile in the chaos of the battlefield, and she starts to see herself as a cold-hearted murderer, believing her family back home would surely turn away from her after what she has become. 

 

SECONDARY CONFLICT: In order to prevent Terrin from discovering Fayre’s true sex, she must keep her distance from him even when her own heart–and his charm–betrays her. His goodness shines in stark contrast to the rest of her detachment’s cruelty, and his willingness to help her makes it difficult for her to push him away. 

Hypothetical: After a particularly brutal training session where Fayre took a number of beatings from fellow soldiers who disdain the slaves, Terrin insists on helping her to dress her wounds. During this moment, he discovers who she truly is without her mask, and is insist that he help her and get to know her more. Later that night, when Terrin approaches with his usual compassion, she feels she must push him away to prevent him from further harm if it were found out her secret had spread. He asks her for her true name and expresses his desire to aid her, and, although everything inside her urges against it, shows him unkindness and impatience to push him away. 

 

Setting Sketch: 

The story takes place in Carran, a fictional medieval country that has face severe devastation in the Great War, a war between three nations over borders which took place prior to the book’s starting point. War persists, between Carran and the enemy country of Aerilon, even as Carran is struggling to hold up their defenses. 

Due to the strain placed on Carran’s military, an enlistment was enacted forcing all males to begin training at the garrison at the age of six, and to fight as soldiers when they age until wartime ceases. Carran’s monarch is power hungry and unwilling to succumb to Aerilon’s power, however, so the hopes for the battle ending any time soon is futile. 

With all the men at war, the women are left in the villages to run businesses, carry out the agriculture and trade, and instruct the children. They worship a unique set of deities and (for the purposes of this story) the focus gods are Isolde, goddess of wisdom, Falak, god of war, and Vale, goddess of servtitude. Vale is depicted as a small girl who wears a cloth over the lower half of her face to represent her silence in submission. Any prisoner of war, convicted criminal, or disabled person is said to be “disowned” by the gods themselves and destined to live a life as a “Vale” slave, serving in silence and submission. Now that the country is in so much war debt, many male Vale slaves have gone to the frontlines to serve or fight there. 

 

Opening Scenes: 

 

Fayre’s village: Fayre lives in a peasant cotton-farming village. Although poor, the community gets along well and the women support each other. She lives with her Mari, an elderly woman who adopted several girls orphaned from the war, including Fayre. The women divide the work in the cotton fields, sewing tunics and preparing food as a monthly taxation to the war effort. The soldiers that come to collect the tax each month cruel and demanded, loathed by the community. “Night raiders” are only ever mentioned, but come to raid the villages and rape the women in order to keep population numbers rising with all the men at the war front. 

 

Merek’s Ravine:  Merek’s ravine lays right outside the cotton village. In the warmer months, it is Merek’s (a crippled young boy whom Fayre is hiding away) home, where he hides away from the soldiers who raid the villages and come for taxation purposes. This is Fayre’s “home away from home.” It adds an element of excitement in her life, but also produces a lot of anxiety as she constantly wonders if the hiding spot will be discovered and Merek taken to live life as a slave or–gods forbid–a soldier. 

 

“Cormorant” Garrison: Nicknamed for its shape like the face of a cormorant bird jutting into the Ariat sea, the peninsula holds the army’s strongest–and sole–garrison. This is where all the boys disappear from the villages to for training, where the soldiers are housed and prepare for incoming attacks or are shipped out for an attack on Aerilon lines. The garrison is a buzz of energy and excitement entirely different from what Fayre is used to; teeming with males trained in the art of war, the society at the garrison glorifies killing and strength, even amid shrinking food rations, the improper ratio of armor and weaponry to men, and the fear of continued enemy attacks. 

 

Aerilon’s main city: The enemy city is walled in and heavily protected. Once inside, Terrin and his friends notice a stark difference between Aerilon’s cities and their own: men and women together, family units are whole, and there isn’t a draft ripping six-year-old boys from their mother’s arms. The war has still certainly caused devastation, with a draft requiring many males to serve in the war, but there is still the hope of a whole society within Aerilon’s city borders.

[Andrew]

FIRST ASSIGNMENT: write your story statement.

Sever every bond to seize a dark power.

SECOND ASSIGNMENT: in 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them.

The reader is presented with two options. First, the antagonistic force is the voice that haunts Jacob after his father Ricky’s death. Emerging from a dream warning of an “evil thing”, this presence—possibly supernatural, maybe psychological—expedites Jacob’s transformation. Its goal is Jacob’s corruption, urging him to seize power through betrayal and murder.

The voice, sowed in Jacob’s grief and the cutthroat corporate world of Carrington Enterprises, exploits his vulnerabilities—bullying and ambition—whispering promises of control. It reacts to Jacob’s resistance with ever-growing insistence, gaining strength as he wavers.

The voice mirrors Jacob’s inner darkness, the triumph completes when he embraces evil, proving power demands his soul.

Alternatively, there is no voice—Jacob alone drives his descent. Rooted in losing his father, his choices reflect his will, not coercion. 

 

Create a breakout title (list several options, not more than three, and revisit to edit as needed).

The Death of Jacob Johnson: The day Jacob Johnson’s father died his life’s trajectory altered. The boy who learned of his father's death in church changed through bullying, the love he found in college, and his ascension to CEO of Carrington Enterprises. His death was not a natural one, but one of mind, body, and spirit. 

Dreams: Jacob is visited by his father shortly after his death and is told to only trust Deacon Rose. This is central to the book in that it opens the door to the supernatural. Jacob is also visited two additional times in his dreams to preview events to come. Metaphorically, most of the characters in the book have aspirational dreams. Jacob dreams of protecting and providing for his mother. Deacon Rose dreams of helping Jacob deal with this voice, Eleanor Barber dreams of one last adventure before she retires, and Katie, his mother, dreams of her son going to college and becoming a businessperson.

Jacob’s Voice: After Jacob is bullied in junior high, he hears a voice that makes his tongue feel pain. This voice appears during crucial decision points in the novel. It is that same voice that encourages him to make decisions that while in his best interest conflict with what he knows is morally acceptable.

Develop two smart comparables for your novel. Who compares to you? And why?

The Fox Wife by Yangsze Choo:

The Fox Wife uses a subtle supernatural thread to explore a tale of personal transformation and moral ambiguity. Both books feature protagonists shaped by loss who navigate a world where external forces blur the line between reality and metaphor.

Untethered Sky by Fonda Lee:

Both works center on a protagonist’s evolution after trauma—Ester’s loss mirrors Jacob’s, driving her toward a hardened, solitary path. The supernatural is the catalyst for their journeys. Both books use a literary lens to probe the tension between inner darkness and external forces

Write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound.

In Charlotte, North Carolina, Jacob’s optimism crumbles when his father’s death unleashes a dark force, twisting his protective heart into a chilling force that betrays his closest bonds for ruthless power.

Sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction.

Jacob’s inner conflict stems from a moral core—raised by church and parents to choose good—shattered by Ricky’s death. Without a father, Jacob sought the comfort of father figures. His want to take care of and provide for his mother became the driving force of his life which complicated his decision-making ability. His major decisions had an added layer of complexity due to a voice that encouraged him to make the wrong choices. Would he choose the decision that was morally, right? Or would he choose the decision that allowed him to attain higher status and higher advancement to meet his goals? 

For example, Jacob attended the prestigious Hilderbrant University. Graduating from Hilderbrant meant connections, a great career, and lifelong friendships as long as one was able to maintain those relationships. While there, Jacob attended the most exclusive fraternity party on campus. Jacob was invited as his girlfriend’s (Megan) plus one. His roommate Dan also attended. Later that night Jacob found Dan sexually assaulting a female attendee. Jacob physically restrained Dan and called the police. The cops instructed Jacob to leave.

The next few scenes Jacob grappled with what he had seen. He decided not to tell his girlfriend, but instead, he would confront Dan. The next day Jacob told Dan to turn himself in. He expressed how disgusted he was with him and that if Dan didn’t turn himself in Jacob would do it for him. Dan realized Jacob was serious and offered him a choice. First, to forget what he saw. His second choice was more of a threat. Dan insinuated that because Jacob was black it would be more believable that he assaulted the girl. He informed Jacob of his parent’s wealth, resources, and deep relationships with the campus police. Jacob, who had devoted much of his early life to position himself so that he could attend a college like Hilderbrant felt pain in his tongue and heard a voice as he weighed the pros and cons.

Next, likewise sketch a hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment. Will this involve family? Friends? Associates? What is the nature of it?

The secondary conflict pits Jacob’s social environment—family, friends, and the woman he loves—against his darkening trajectory. The nature of his relationships with everyone around him erodes as his ambition clashes with their values, fueled by a voice—or his will.

An example of this is when Megan leaves him. The two met in college and Jacob helped her work through an eating disorder. She moves to Charlotte with him, but as time progresses Jacob sacrifices Megan to secure his position at Carrington Enterprises. After covering up Dan’s rape, in college, and climbing the corporate ladder, he prioritizes power over their relationship. 

 

Jacob disregards his relationship after Mr. Carrington gives him an ultimatum to choose success or his relationship. Soon after, he comes home late and forgets relationship milestones. Megan learns she is pregnant with Jacob’s child, and decides to leave him instead of being witness to his decline. Megan represents his last tether to love and morality. Her exit and his refusal to contact her isolate him further clearing the path to his internal ruin.

Sketch out your setting in detail. What makes it interesting enough, scene by scene, to allow for uniqueness and cinema in your narrative and story?

The book is divided into three acts, each with a distinctive setting. 

Act I took place in Charlotte, NC, from 1986 to 1994. The set pieces included Trinity Resurrection Baptist Church, where Jacob learned of his father’s passing; the Johnson home, where friends and family congregated; and Englehart Junior High School, where Mikey, the school bully, intimidated Jacob. A key setting was Deacon Rose’s front yard, where he taught Jacob chess, where Jacob revealed he heard a voice, and where Deacon Rose decided to help him. The final set piece was a small library off Beatties Ford Rd., where Deacon Rose and Eleanor Barber conducted their research.

Act II expanded as the setting shifted to Hilderbrant University. Jacob lived at his girlfriend Megan’s apartment and visited a fraternity house he’d been warned against in a dream. The setting briefly moved from Charlotte to Cape Cod, where Jacob and Megan introduced each other to their families. Back in Charlotte, Jacob was confronted by Mikey, his junior high bully. A mysterious place called The Fortress emerged, tied to Mr. Carrington, head of Carrington Enterprises and member of a secretive organization. Jacob and Megan settled in Charlotte for his job at Carrington Enterprises; they shared an apartment that was a haven of love until Jacob’s ambition to succeed—for his mother’s sake—drove Megan away.

Act III returned to Charlotte, NC, where the story began, but the narrative had narrowed. Jacob’s perspective of the city shifted: Deacon Rose had died, and Jacob had purchased a lavish home on Lake Norman. The library Eleanor Barber once loved was now a shell of itself. She retired, and at her retirement party, a call spurred her on one last adventure. At Jacob’s lakeside home, he built a guest house for his mother, outfitting it in her favorite color, pink, and filling it with roses until the air carried scents of citrus and mint. 

Each act featured a dream sequence. Jacob was visited three times, with dream settings echoing the real world, unnerving him. For instance, his first dream foreshadowed a home Deacon Rose visited, where he uncovered the spirit Bacchus. Each set piece reflected Jacob’s transformation. His world contracted as his stature grew. As a young man, he was surrounded by loved ones and an older mentor; in college, he built a network of friends and found love. But as his thirst for power and success intensified, his world shrank. By the time he owned the lake home, Megan was gone, he had no friends, and his only mentor was Mr. Carrington, who seemed not to have his best interests at heart.

[Ralph Walker]

 FIRST ASSIGNMENT: write your story statement. 

A THIN LINE OF SMOKE – Story Statement

A young architect must complete the design and construction of the most important building in his young career in the face of unfettered corruption.

After a fire breaks out in the almost completed building killing the only female construction worker on the site the local fire chief and arson investigator must determine if the fire was arson and how the woman died.

 

 SECOND ASSIGNMENT: in 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them.

Frank Krunka is the alpha male at the center of this story who embodies and embraces the corruption, misogamy and greed. A self-made man, reformed cokehead, and hard knuckled contractor, Frank rules heavy construction in Nassau and Suffolk Counties with the intensity of a silver backed gorilla. You’ll never see him without his golden hardhat pendant banging against his well-tanned open collar, and you’ll never catch him doing anything illegal – he has guys for that.

Frank keeps the wheels of corruption turning through influence, money or having a few skulls cracked. His pool parties are a venerable who’s who of local politicians, money men, contracting royalty and their arm candy. He uses his box seats at Yankee Stadium for patronage.

In his fifties, Frank’s history of addiction, ex-wives, and shady decisions sit heavy on his shoulders. He isn’t ashamed to share advice with Georgie.  He likes the new kid. In fact, he wouldn’t be upset if Georgie and his only daughter Hampton got hooked up. He always wanted a son.

George must partner with Frank to complete the project, but as Frank becomes a surrogate father, George’s morality erodes, and he is drawn deeper into the ugly side of power.

 

THIRD ASSIGNMENT: create a breakout title (list several options, not more than three, and revisit to edit as needed).

A THIN LINE OF SMOKE

The Corruption of George Sumner

 

 FOURTH ASSIGNMENT: Develop two smart comparables for your novel. This is a good opportunity to immerse yourself in your chosen genre. Who compares to you? And why?

Genre: Upmarket Mystery

A THIN LINE OF SMOKE is a character centered story held together by a tragic event like Richard Price’s LAZURUS MAN. Told through the eyes of an untrustworthy narrator in a closed misogynistic environment similar to Rosemary Hennigan’s THE FAVORITES this novel deals with the corruption of a morally grey characters set in the same era and milieu as the SOPRANOS but on Long Island instead of New Jersey.

 

 FIFTH ASSIGNMENT: write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound following the format above. Though you may not have one now, keep in mind this is a great developmental tool. In other words, you best begin focusing on this if you're serious about commercial publication.

 

Primary POV hook line (George’s POV)

Thrust into the opportunity of a lifetime by the suicide of his mentor, a young architect must choose between a corrupted path to complete his greatest project or a moral path that may burn it all to the ground.

 

Secondary POV hook line (Chief Edward’s POV)

After a major fire breaks out in a newly constructed building, a fire chief embedded in the community investigates the cause of the inferno and death of a female construction worker. Under pressure from all sides the Chief is faced with confirming easy answers to maintain the status quo, or blowing open a case that will risk spotlighting systemic corruption across local government exposing mistakes by him.

 

SIXTH ASSIGNMENT: sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction.

Next, likewise sketch a hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment. Will this involve family? Friends? Associates? What is the nature of it?

Secondary Conflicts

George POV

In the summer of 1998, young George Sumner was laden with tragedy. His father died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack, and his unyielding mentor committed suicide. Now as both the breadwinner for his family, and the torchbearer of the firm’s design George is weighed down with new responsibilities and expectations. Thrust into the world of major construction George is out of his depth both in the board room where millions are negotiated, and on the job site where mistakes cost money, fingers and lives.

Paddling as fast as he can, George’s moral compass is spinning, and he is looking for a father figure to point the way. The most dominant male in his orbit is Frank Krunka, corrupt construction manager. George knows enough to be wary but is quickly drawn in to the earthly charms of quick cash, political stature and loose women. As the questions pile up, George faces his moral upbringing and must choose between his affinity for this new father figure in his life and what he knows to be right.

As an outsider on the jobsite George searches for allies. After a rough start he connects with Maria Lisa, the only female on the construction site. As the crane operator and crew leader of the ironworkers on site she commands a hefty level of respect, but once she is out of her cab, she’s just another chick and the slurs, catcalls and lurid advances are relentless. Maria Lisa is also a union sympathizer, trying to work her way back into the unions after a sexual harassment claim was swept under the rug, she has a fraught relationship with the organizations that should protect her and her livelihood. Getting a spot on a Krunka jobsite was a boon for her, and her inside information about the physical construction is a chit she can trade to work her way back into the good graces of union bosses. George and Maria Lisa embark on an odd relationship, watching each other’s back on the job site, trading secrets and giving the boys a show to improve George’s manhood credentials, and get the tongue wagers off Maria Lisa’s back. As one thing leads to another the lines get blurred and George is never sure if he is being protected, used or worse.

George has a healthy dose of distrust for both Frank and Maria Lisa, but an affinity towards both. As he gets deeper in each relationship the tension between conflicting loyalties knot him up. Without a father figure, or mentor to help him find his way George must become his own man.

 

Chief Edwards POV

Chief Edwards has been a stalwart of his community for three decades. Starting out in the volunteer fire department and rising up the ranks while also working as the local building inspector he’s always had a unique view on the local government. In more recent years after being certified as an arson investigator the Chief has worn many hats, but never all at once on the same building. Chief Edwards was the building inspector for North Shore Displays and was ready to sign off on its Certificate of Occupancy the week before the fire. When he got the call about the fire, he expected something minor, but this fire became a four alarm blaze that brought in departments from all over the county. Once extinguished a body was found, requiring a deeper investigation, he was tapped to complete the arson portion of the investigation.

Wearing each hat – building inspector, fire chief, and arson investigator – there is an inherent conflict of interest, but he is a trusted member of the community, and the sheriff and township administrator have his back. Still, Chief Edwards is torn. He can’t avoid the fact that he looked the other way during some of his inspections, and the questions only pile up from there.

The Chief needs to protect his community and himself. While his morality dictates that the truth should be unearthed from the ashes there is enough doubt and pressure to take the easy way out, lest the man in the mirror live up to his own moral code.  

 

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: sketch out your setting in detail. What makes it interesting enough, scene by scene, to allow for uniqueness and cinema in your narrative and story? Please don't simply repeat what you already have which may well be too quiet. You can change it. That's why you're here! Start now. Imagination is your best friend, and be aggressive with it.

 

A Thin Line of Smoke centers on a single building, North Shore Displays, as both setting and in some ways character. The building is a new corporate headquarters and factory that is being constructed in Melville Long Island in the 1998. We see the project from the time that the site is an open field, through the full construction, and the subsequent fire that consumes it.  We also see the project through the eyes of George and Melvin (George’s mentor) as they work together to sketch out the design and dream about their aspirations for the building. Seeing this transformation from sketch through construction we feel the work. The book lingers in the grit and sweat of the effort it takes to complete a project of this magnitude.

Long Island in the late nineties was also a place where the rules related to heavy construction were fluid. Labor unions had a strong hold on some trades (masons, electricians & iron workers), but the Island was more of a free for all with open conflicts between union and non-union on many construction sites. Sabotage and dirty tricks were commonplace. Construction sites were lawless places.

It was also a time of pride in New York, and the tribal affiliations to teams (Go Yankees!), neighborhoods and backgrounds have a heavy influence on social interactions both on the job site, and beyond.

The alternate universe of the story is George’s home in New Jersey. His life in what seems to be an idyllic suburb in many ways is dull in comparison to the hard scrabble, conflict laden buzz of the construction site with its constant movement, noise, friction and conflict. His life at home is centered on his newly widowed mother, her church community and George’s responsibilities towards both. As George crosses between New Jersey and Long Island we see the code switching he embraces, trying to fit into each environment.  

 

At note: The building for North Shore Displays is based upon a real building I designed early in my architecture career but enhanced for dramatic effect. Most other settings including the original Yankee Stadium, Cross Bronx Expressway, and even the offices of Cohen and Goldsmith are based on my memories of the real places, but the homes of George, Frank and the Chief are fictional.

 

[Mike Perez]

Story statement: Ethan Wallin, civil rights attorney, has to end racism in his lifetime to save his own soul. No big deal. 

Primary Antagonist: Ethan’s antagonist is conventional thinking embodied by several characters - his boss, his colleagues, and his community. Despite being on his side, they resist his unconventional ideas and question his motivations. They’ve been doing this work longer, they’ve seen how it plays out, and they are the true believers in progressive values. It’s hard to tell if they represent sticks in the mud or the voices of reason, in light of Ethan’s fanaticism. They react to Ethan’s actions by putting up barriers, getting him fired, and ultimately threatening his license to practice law. 

Working Titles: 

• I Think That Song is About me

• The Ally

Comparables: I Think That Song is About me mixes the benevolent satire of Less by Andrew Sean Greer with the critical social perspective of R.F. Kuang’s Yellowface. 

Hook: A white civil rights lawyer, after stretching himself to the limit only to fail at helping the cause, decides he will atone for the sins of his racist ancestors by walking into downtown Boston wearing a homemade t-shirt that says “I’m racist.”

Inner Conflict: Ethan’s inner conflict is about the value of his own life. He feels like nothing he does is earned because he’s a privileged white male, and if he’s not earning his keep what good is he. He still strives and pushes, but he doubts any of it will do any good, that it’s truly worth anything. He won’t feel worthy of love unless he can prove to himself and to the rest of the world he, alone, did something truly extraordinary.

Hypothetical: Ethan comes home on a cold evening in late February, not long after the first anniversary of his job at a corporate firm. Ethan’s wife, Rachel, has a friend over, Robyn, who works at a nonprofit organization. They’re having a glass of wine in the living room, while Ethan is doing the dishes in the other room. Ethan hears Rachel mention to Robyn that Ethan’s w2 shows he earned more this past year than either of them earned combined in prior years. He hears Robyn say wow. Ethan stops washing dishes and enters the living room. Robyn asks how his new job is going. He asks Robyn if he’s told her yet about the pro bono case he’s working on, working hard to humble brag about how much time he spends on it. Later Ethan chides Rachel for embarrassing him in front of Robyn. Robyn is annoyed because she meant to be complimenting him. They descend in a fight about whether Rachel pushed Ethan into taking this job at the corporate firm. They wake up the baby. Ethan goes down to change her using the organize compostable diapers they can only afford because of his new job.

Setting: Boston provides the cultural setting for Ethan’s external and inner conflicts to play out. It’s a city with deep-seeded racism but a facade of dominant progressive culture. There are plenty of leftist fundamentalists with whom Ethan works, in the media, and in his friend circles to act as comic and dramatic foils. Ethan interacts with the historic public spaces in Boston, that provide context for his sense of civic purpose. The transitions from suburbs to city also provides a setting for the work he and his colleagues do. Ethan lives in a comfortable suburban home outside of Boston in a gentrifying neighborhood that emphasizes his privilege and his guilt about it. 

[Jenny Froehle]

UNDER THE SHADOWS Story Statement:

A young mother committed by her husband to a Victorian era mental asylum must survive her confinement and convince doctors and herself that she is sane—or sane enough—to return to the children she loves.

ANTAGONIST:

Ann’s antagonist is her illness and society’s condemnation and fear of her because of it--embodied in Part I by her husband and sister-in-law who judge her fall into post-partum depression and atypical behavior as wife/mother harshly.

In Part II, a far more dangerous version of this condemnation presents in the doctors who seek to keep Ann institutionalized and particularly in Maggie, a hospital attendant who despises her charges and treats them with contempt. While the asylum doctors vary in their attitudes from compassionate to curious to callous, most believe the insane patients in their care don't belong in society and likely never will. They stand in the way of Ann's desire to be deemed sane and go home. Maggie, on the other hand, sees the lunatics in her care as less than fully human which justifies her use of brute force to ensure their compliance and their silence. She will endanger Ann's safety and that of her asylum "sisters," forcing Ann to choose between cooperating (which she believes is the only way to convince doctors she is "cured") and resisting--as any sane person would when subjected to inhumane treatment.

BREAKOUT TITLE OPTIONS:

Under the Shadows

The Asylum Diaries

The Care of Fragile Things

COMPARABLES:

Both my comps share themes of women struggling for autonomy, agency, and credibility in oppressive systems or societies laden with unreasonable expectations. Both comps depict women living under institutional control trying to survive and contemplating who they are and what they might become when (and if) they leave.

The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chen, 1/4/2022 Simon & Schuster, (#21 on Amazon, NYT #15, highly acclaimed NYT bestseller, today show Read with Jenna Book Club Pick, finalist for 2022 First Novel Prize—social critique on societal expectations of mothers/women and the ways those deemed “unfit” are often forced to prove their worth according to society’s standards, also has a main character who is placed in somewhat impossible role as a woman in a society that expects both too much perfection and too little capability from  her at the same time

Night Watch by Jayne Ann Phillips, 9/19/2023 by Knopf, 28^th on Amazon in May, 2024, #24 on IndieBound lists, Pulitzer Prize for fiction, sales rank of 7514 on Barnes and Noble site—fascinating setting of post-Civil War state asylum (similar to mine) and life for the women there, themes of survival and resilience along with institutional cruelty tolerated in order to remove difficult people from society, also a mediation on motherhood and sacrifice

3^rd comp: The Mad Women’s Ball by Vicoria Mas, sold 175K copies in France, translated in US and adapted into a film for Amazon Prime in 2021, 4200 reviews on Amazon

Audience matches:  Book clubs, fans of Kate Quinn’s historical settings and multi-faceted heroines, fans of Jodi Piccoult’s social issue themes. The medical history angle in my novel illuminates the early days of psychiatry in the U.S.--how little was known, how much guesswork was involved in treatment and diagnosis, the hopes many had for the success of the asylum movement which grew exponentially during this time period. A Reader's Guide and Author's Notes provide additional historical context and questions that grapple with how mental health treatment has changed but also little we've progressed in areas of diagnosis, treatment, institutionalization, quality psychiatric staffing, and stigmatization.

CORE WOUND AND PRIMARY CONFLICT:

OPTION A: A young mother committed by her husband to an asylum struggles to survive threats to her safety and master her inner demons so she can convince herself and the world that despite her flaws, she is worthy and strong. 

OPTION B: A young mother committed to an asylum must survive physical and psychological tests as she struggles to become strong enough to confront her illness and brave enough to risk returning to the world beyond the walls.

TWO MORE LEVELS OF CONFLICT:

I. INNER CONFLICT:

Anne wants to believe she is simply fatigued from childbirth and misunderstood by her husband and in-laws, but she is increasingly worried about the creeping darkness she feels. She imagines her husband Edward has found her to be an unsatisfactory wife, and comments from her sister-in-law Edna even insinuate that perhaps he is tempted to replace her. Ann suspects Edna, who is childless, deems her a poor mother and wants to raise Ann's three children as her own. Whether these beliefs are true or a function of Ann's mental illness isn't clear, but when coupled with the rising post-partum depression Ann is experiencing, they are powerful forces.

Ann doubts herself. She struggles to believe she is a good wife or mother. She's not sure if her husband loves her because she's never felt loved. After Ann's birth, her mother suffered from depression and took to her bed for five years before overdosing on laudanum. Ann's father quickly remarried, relinquishing Ann's care to a stepmother who clearly preferred her own children. Thus, Ann has never felt wanted or worthy. As she begins experiencing her own bewildering depression, dark voices in her head suggest that she was never meant to have the life she is trying to achieve, that she is not worthy of being a cherished wife or a good mother, let alone a fully-realized person with anything of value to offer the world.

Ann always thought becoming a wife and mother would ease the pain of her childhood and let her rewrite her past, but that hasn't been the case. Although her children have brought her joy and love she has never known, she struggles with anger and frustration in her roles as wife and mother. Her husband understands nothing about the difficulty and exhaustion of her life—the unending housework; low expectations that she do anything beyond chores; the small, stifling world she is confined to as a housewife; the fatigue of many pregnancies and trauma of several miscarriages. Edward simply wants dinner on time, a clean house, and children raised well for his enjoyment. He provides for his family and loves his children, but he isn't interested in Ann's thoughts or feelings. She is realizing, without being able to give voice to it, that women like her have little agency and few choices, and she is increasingly depressed by what seems a life holding little joy or interest beyond her children--who will grow up and leave her in time.

Simultaneously, Ann has begun to realize something is wrong with her and is terrified of the shadows she feels engulfing her; they seem almost corporeal at times, their voices dark and menacing. She can’t tell anyone the truth about her mental fragility, her doubts, her feelings of self hatred and despair, her complete inability in recent months to summon the energy to mother her two older children as she used to, her apathy toward her new infant.

Given her conflicted inner state, when Ann nearly poisons her son and is confronted with her family’s ultimatum that she must go to the hospital in Indianapolis because she cannot be trusted safely with the children, Ann is torn between fighting to stay and wondering whether the hospital might offer relief from all these feelings and the depression that has pulled her into shadow. The scenes where her husband accuses her of being dangerous, where a commission de lunatico (local judge and doctor) examine her and pronounce her insane, and the family meeting where Edward and her in-laws insist she go away to the asylum in Indianapolis plumb the depths of her despair and doubt.

Despite her doubts about herself, Ann is a survivor (although she likely doesn't view herself that way), and she does not just fold under the pressure of the terrors and obstacles she is facing. She doesn't easily accept the powerlessness and socially-prescribed role of women, but reacts with questions, frustration, even fury at times. She also refuses to succumb to her own mental illness, even though it terrifies her. She vows she will not abandon her children to the same bewildering fate she experienced; thus, she allows herself to consider the possibility that becoming an asylum patient might be her only chance to get stronger, prove everyone wrong, and return home to try to have the life she has desired. At some level, her decision to go the asylum willingly shows tremendous courage, the strength to resist the forces compelling her to give up and keep some small agency for herself, and a commitment to hope for a better future.

II. SECONDARY CONFLICT:

When Ann meets Andrew Magnuson in the hospital garden, she is instantly drawn to him. He is a young medical student--smart, determined, full of excitement for his future career-- who is also attracted to her even though he knows from the moment they meet that she is a patient at the asylum, a lunatic. In their first conversation, he also reveals that he, too, lost his mother to a tragedy that has shaped his desire to be a doctor. He and Ann share the knowledge that grief and loss altered them and shaped what they wanted from life. They feel seen by each other in a way neither of them has ever experienced. Andrew begins to look for Ann as he passes through the hospital grounds on his way to the laboratory building for classes, and he begins stopping to talk with her as she works in the garden or takes the air in the park. He looks forward to their conversations and enjoys sharing details with her from his studies. Their conversations are rich and interesting. Ann finds Andrew's attention flattering. She is unused to anyone wanting to know her thoughts and feelings. Their friendship offers a welcome diversion from the routines and relationships that define her days in the asylum.

As Ann and Andrew's friendship deepens, she occasionally shares passages with him from the journal she is keeping as part of her doctor's assigned therapy for mastering her troubling thoughts. She is gratified when he admires her thinking and praises her writing. She has never considered herself good at anything. Because Ann is a patient, Andrew remains wary about pressing her for details of life before the hospital and on the asylum ward unless she offers them. She does not tell him she has a husband and children back in Vincennes because she enjoys being someone different with him. With Andrew, she is attractive for her own sake and despite her flaws. It is tantalizing to her that Andrew values her intellect and skills in ways her husband did not. Ironically, it is only in the asylum that she has felt valued for who she is.  She begins to feel tempted by the idea of leaving her family behind, wondering if they are better off without her as her shadow voices insinuate in her thoughts at night. She begins daydreaming about a new life married to Andrew although in her dreams, her children are always with her--further evidence that she has not really come to terms with what she wants from her life.

As Ann is beginning to think more seriously about what she feels for Andrew, they quarrel one day when Andrew reveals he has been researching current medical theories on insanity diagnosis and outcomes. This leads to an argument about whether she is “really insane” and whether it is possible for her to be cured. She realizes she has deluded herself that Andrew fully accepts her as she is and grapples the fact that the illness she is beginning to acknowledge to herself may threaten her ability to have both love and freedom. 

This is a pinchpoint in Ann's growth forcing a decision about whether to love herself as she is or depend on others to validate her. She must also decide whether to throw herself into cooperating with treatment to return to the world and a marriage that has disappointed her so she can get back to the children she loves or to stay in the hospital and continue the relationship with Andrew with all its temptations of a "fresh start." Her conflict/struggle is really about acepting herself (illness and all). Ultimately, she will also need to decide if she can and should try to manage her illness and rebuild her life--including her marriage. She hasn't yet realized that the strategies and strength she is gaining for managing her illness are building her stamina to attempt harder things, like demanding more from her life and strengthening her marriage. She is on the cusp of realizing that she has often waited for other people to love her, expecting that they won't, instead of working to build relationships she wants and deserves. 

The conflict with Andrew helps her realize she must be more honest with herself and him, decide what she really wants from her life, and confront her own flaws without fearing they make her unlovable. In the next scene, when Andrew comes to apologize for doubting her or making her feel he doesn't accept her as she is, she pulls back as the moment grows intimate and finally tells him she is married and has children who need her. It is a turning point in their relationship from budding romance to the realization that they love each other and have hard choices to face now as a result.

SETTINGS:

Part I: Sycamore Steet—The action of this part of the novel is confined to the house and back garden in Ann’s home where she lives with her husband Edward and their two children. Keeping all the action in the house matches the confined space in which Ann, like most other women of the time, spends her days. Her world, by definition, is small and limited primarily to her home. The house has a main floor parlor with fireplace and fussier Victorian furniture, along with lace curtains that allow a filtered view of people occasionally passing on the street outside. Adjoining that room is a dining room. At the back of the house are a kitchen/pantry, and smaller sitting room with simpler furnishings where Ann sews in the afternoon. Upstairs are three bedrooms and a bathroom. On the top floor is a small room used by the hired girl Bridget who is staying to help Ann since the last baby arrived and a nursery. Ann’s bedroom looks out on the front of the house. Her husband is using the third bedroom temporarily. Her five-year-old son Henry sleeps in the second bedroom, and her three-year-old daughter Grace and new baby William sleep in the nursery. Behind the house is a carriage house with storage. A wooden fence encloses the back yard area from the back of the house to the carriage house. Flower gardens line the fence perimeter, and a large maple tree fills the middle of the yard with a bench beneath it. Closer to the back wall of the house is a vegetable/herb bed and work spaces for outdoor chores.

Part II: Seven Steeples

The Central Indiana Hospital for the Insane sits on about 160 acres of land about two miles west of the city of Indianapolis. A horse-drawn streetcar line runs out to the hospital from downtown's Union Station. The grounds are encircled by a tall iron fence and include a 40-acre park with tall shade trees, ornamental gardens, benches, statuary, walkways, and fountains. The grounds contain a 20-acre woods with paths and a creek running through it, acres of farmland, and many buildings (chapel, bakery, engine room, laundry, etc.).

The Women’s Building (called Seven Steeples because of its seven Gothic towers) is all brick trimmed in dressed stone and designed following the Kirkbride model for modern asylums. The building has a five-story center tower housing the hospital administrators, doctors' rooms and their offices, the main kitchen, and a public parlor. Three four-story wings stretch out from the center on either side, each set back from the next in receding tiers-- giving the structure a bat-like shape if viewed from above. The wings contain patient wards with the most difficult patients housed furthest from the center building so as to be least disruptive to the public and "better" patients. Each ward has a corridor with patient bedrooms lining it on either side, a parlor with settees and easy chairs, dining room with two long tables seating ten people each, lavatory, and several rooms for staff attendants.

Most of the novel’s Part II action takes place in the Fourth Ward where Ann is assigned, the sewing room in the center building, Dr. Bauer's office, and the grounds surrounding Seven Steeples—especially the large, enclosed garden where Ann is allowed to tend flowers and plants as part of her treatment. Patients from various wards march about the grounds for exercise in groups of 10 or more daily, and small groups or individuals deemed not to be flight risks are allowed to enjoy the grounds for hours at a time supervised or even alone if they have earned that privilege. Many patients can regularly be found taking the air by themselves or with others in favorite spots around the park. 

Also on the grounds is a teaching hospital building, the three-story brick Pathology Laboratory—a state-of-the-art research facility specializing in diseases of the brain. Indiana College of Medicine students attend lectures, labs, and autopsies here conducted by asylum doctors. Physicians from all over the country also come for special presentations and lectures. Indiana's recognized presence as a leader in the new field of psychiatry means that the Pathology Building's tiered auditorium attracts prominent thinkers in the fields of asylum medicine and psychiatry. The doctors and students going to the lab for class or lecture or reading in its second-floor library walk past Seven Steeples, often passing hospital patients on the grounds.

 

 

 

[Jessica Fauchier]

As mentioned in our final assignment, our book has come a long way since originally posting original responses to the prompts still preserved below. The following top section is now our updated assignment prompt responses to a project that has changed in a wonderful way:: 

1. Story Statement: We are identical twins who, like many women, have navigated a world that sexualizes us. Over the years, this experience has sparked deep reflections as we have tried to maintain our power and sense of authentic self in a society that seeks to define us. When we reached middle age and moved past the point of typical sexualization, we found ourselves faced with the invisibility crisis so many aging women have discussed. It was only upon deeper exploration that we realized this invisibility it in fact a myth. Past the point of sexualization, a woman is now free to define herself on her own terms and in the most authentic way. In this way she can be truly seen in a way not yet felt as an adult.

2. Antagonists: Sexualized society at large. Specifically in the narrative elements there are a cast of men who define us in sexualized terms and with their own desires. 

3. Break Out Title:

Desired or Dead: Twin Reflections on Aging in a Sexualized Society

Twin Reflections: An Intimate Journey on Aging and Thriving in a Sexualized Society

Invisibility Myth: Challenging Your Role in a Sexualized Society

4. Comparables: Remain the same as below

5. High Concept Hook Line: Join identical twin sisters as they reveal personal stories and insights on their journey through coming of age, navigating societal expectations, and ultimately confronting the challenges of aging in a sexualized society.

6. Conflicts: 

Core Conflict: Societal expectations that tie a woman’s worth to her sexual desire. How do you navigate this reality as you come of age, harness the power in your “prime”, and then evolve as a woman post sexualization.

Core Wound: Pressure, Loss and Change. Pressure to be sexually desirable as a woman and the power that harnesses, the loss of this type of visibility when you age beyond societal’s standards of desirability, and ultimately change as each individual can find their authentic self and finally define themselves on their own terms.

Internal Conflict: 1. Coming to terms with our role in a sexualized society 2. Balancing the power and autonomy we want as sexual beings with desire to not be seen as objects of desire 3. Ultimately rediscovering who we are in a post sexualized environment as we age

7. Settings: We have significantly revised the book to follow the middle, beginning, end arc of a story. The majority of narrative stories take place in either the small farming town in Kansas or small coastal town we were raised in and where we still consider home. Some excerpts are as follows: 

Nestled between rolling hills and the sparkling Pacific Ocean, the small coastal town of Cayucos, California, had a population of just 2,500 during the 1980s and 1990s when we were growing up. Known for its mild weather that felt like one long summer, the town’s beaches became the primary playground for locals. The ocean waves and stretches of soft sand provided endless opportunities for adventure.As young children, we built sandcastles, our buckets and shovels in hand, using sand mixed with remnants of ashes from the bonfires we would later gather around as teenagers. The smell of salt in the air, the sound of crashing waves, and the warmth of the sun on our skin became the backdrop of our carefree days, leaving us with cherished memories of childhood spent in this close-knit seaside community.

"Our paternal Grandma had lived in Kansas her entire life, keeping a home. She’d wake up before the sun, crack eggs into a skillet with the kind of efficiency that suggested she’d done it ten thousand times before, and hum old hymns while she fried up chicken in the kitchen, flour on her forearms and head. Her husband, our Grandad, would be working the alfalfa fields just beyond the kitchen window. The rich green crops forming orderly rows that seemed to go on forever. The earthy scent of freshly cut alfalfa hanging in the air and competing with the smells of fried chicken grease and spices. The sun rising in the kitchen window set a warm golden light into the kitchen bathing my Grandma and her workstation with softness. Everything about her was soft—her voice, her hands, the way she could press a kiss to your forehead and squeeze you tight like she always wanted to hold on to you."

"Growing up in our small beach town was like living in a perpetual postcard. Every morning, my twin and I would watch our neighbors—the legendary Pink Twins—embark on their daily ritual. At 80 years old, they were the town’s living legend: always dressed in every shade of pink imaginable, always side by side. They strolled down the street in unison, walked the same route to the Sea Shanty, where every Friday night, without fail, they dined together, ordering the exact same meal. Their synchronized lives painted a picture of unwavering tradition."

Nestled between rolling hills and the sparkling Pacific Ocean, the small coastal town of Cayucos, California, had a population of just 2,500 during the 1980s and 1990s when we were growing up. Known for its mild weather that felt like one long summer, the town’s beaches became the primary playground for locals. The ocean waves and stretches of soft sand provided endless opportunities for adventure.

As young children, we built sandcastles, our buckets and shovels in hand, using sand mixed with remnants of ashes from the bonfires we would later gather around as teenagers. The smell of salt in the air, the sound of crashing waves, and the warmth of the sun on our skin became the backdrop of our carefree days, leaving us with cherished memories of childhood spent in this close-knit seaside community.

 

Writer’s Conference Prompt

STORY STATEMENT

Life truly begins when women discover that aging is a gift to be unwrapped and not a battle to be fought. Women are especially susceptible to myths that make aging something to be feared. In order to live a triumphant life we need to reframe how we approach aging and open our eyes up to the fact our best days can always be ahead of us. As these triumphant stories of women illustrate, with each passing decade women can redefine their identities and blossom into their most authentic self.

 

ANTAGONIST

Our antagonist is crippling self doubt. The antagonist is inside all of us. Relying on old definitions of who we should be and how we should feel. We all face our own unique battle against the antagonist we have breathed life into with the oxygen of complacency. We alone can give this self doubt lines and colors and shape and bring it to the forefront of our mind in order to be overcome. One woman’s antagonist may be the doubt she feels about being seen in a world she believes only values youth. Another woman may have to battle her crippling self doubt about ever finding joy and energy after decades of fitting her free spirit into a picket fence lined construct. A construct she built only to find it strangling her individuality.

 

BREAK OUT TITLE

1. 1. Time of Rebirth: The Joy of Aging
   2. The Lies They All Told You: An Aging Story
   3. The Invisibility Myth

 

COMPARABLES

1. 1. “Radiant Rebellion” by Karen Walrond: Walrond uses deep dives into conversations with social workers, neurologists, activists and clergy to uncover why the dominant culture treats aging like a time of diminished capacity. We also confront the myths about aging perpetrated by our current culture. Our book, however, aims to be more anecdotal and approachable with other aging women’s experiences and stories leading into discussions about the aspects of growing older that bring more joy and freedom. Where Walrond takes the readers on her journey of rebelling against these societal constructs (she lets her hair go grey; goes on a silent retreat; changes her health practices) we discuss what the women Nextdoor are experiencing. Our readers will find themselves in our interviews and anecdotes spread throughout the book. They will feel seen and empowered. Like Walrond, our basic premise is that we can write a different story of aging than the one that is often handed to us. It is not a story of decline but rather a story of reinvention and rebirth.
   2. “Successful Aging for Women over 50” by Janine Hunka is similar to our book in the concept of aging as a transformation into who you were always meant to be. Hunka reveals the fears many women have about aging along with the misguided idea that aging is a time of decline. After identifying this common emotion among aging women, Hunka offers the idea that aging is not a battle against time but rather a battle against oneself. This is also our premise; that to live your best life as you age it is important to first understand who you are and how you want the world to see you. Like our book, Hunka’s  book focuses on a necessary perspective shift in order to live free and boldly. Our book takes this a step further by diving into practical solutions to help you with this perspective shift along with providing entertaining anecdotes about women who have faced what they saw as challenges of aging. Our central premise for aging well is a pursuit of joy in all things; this book also looks at the emotional work that allows a woman to thrive and age well.

 

HIGH CONCEPT HOOK LINE

In a world that worships youth, women can and must embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery. This journey is illustrated through the retelling of many women’s stories of triumph and challenge. Readers will discover the real power of femininity as we age is not in reclaiming the past, but in embracing the freedom and confidence that comes from finally being unapologetically themselves.

 

CONFLICTS

       Inner Conflict for Protagonist: Although varied from woman to woman, a central inner conflict connecting many women’s stories is a feeling of being invisible. One example is a woman who feels aging has made her shrink at work and become overlooked and ignored by her coworkers. Her self-discovery reveals that she felt invisible because she no longer knew herself, not because others wanted her diminished. 

       Secondary Conflict- Social Environment: Every woman as they age eventually confronts the forces that defined them in youth. Were they pegged as a bookworm, the popular golden girl, the people pleaser, the peace-maker, the glib one, the funny one, the girl who never says no? What social forces of their youth in the form of family, school, their community and mass media sought to define them and thus extinguishing parts of them that did not fit? It is up to mature women to confront these old definitions and strip off what no longer fits to reveal their true selves. This will allow them to thrive in the authenticity and freedom of being exactly who they were born to be.

 

SETTING

Our book includes a wide variety of settings as we tell different stories of real women on a journey of self discovery as they are confronted an older self they no longer recognize.  Some examples of settings as we interview these women to record their journeys:

1. The School Drop Off: Sleepy kids readjust their faces before exiting their parent’s car and run to join friends. Cracked sidewalk almost trips up a woman in Uggs with her long hair pulled back and a defeated expression drooping her spirit like the scarf hanging down her sweater. Another woman in full make-up, bouncing curls and aviator glasses unnecessary in the 8am sun moves from group to group desperate to feel the connection she will miss as soon as she heads home to the empty house. The school my kids attend, and where I am meeting Charlotte to chat, is in the rural part of central California. The kind of school where you can pass a mom discussing techniques for compassionate Rooster beheading, another discussing vaccines, and continue on further to pass the rare Dad chatting about running shoes and church. The school is a charter school and leases space with a church that hold services on Sundays when kids are not roaming. I am meeting Charlotte at a wood picnic table near the worn in playground equipment just beyond the pavement that serves as the recess spot for the small student body. When I reach her, she waves away my offer of coffee claiming she heard it can increase blood pressure. I look for an out of the way spot to set it down so it doesn’t become the centerpiece of my unsuccessful attempt at camaraderie. I feel admiration and a niggle of deflation that she so breezily declined the drink I proffered. I grew up in a home of people who would accept a cup of bear urine if offered and take a few polite sips. 
2. University Campus: I meet up with Vanessa where she works. She has an hour for lunch and was intrigued by my description of a book about aging well and the challenges women face. It feels perfect that the backdrop for our conversation is a college campus: teeming with vibrancy and the shimmer of promise. Groups of kids move past me with backpacks and sunglasses and overdone laughter about something secret between them. They wear the uniform of the young: cropped baggy sweatshirts, low slung baggy jeans, converse sneakers, shiny lipgloss and the popular no makeup make up look. It seems as though every single person has long hair parted in the middle that shines so bright it matches the glow of the sun touched metal on the performance art building I am parked in front of. I subconsciously touch my short curled hair parted at the side. It is an automatic reaction even though I don’t pine to look young let alone be young again. Those years were filled with fun but also so much uncertainty and self consciousness. I mentally give my shy young uncertain self of two decades ago a hug and pay the parking meter. The grass is perfectly trimmed and so green and pristine all over. The beautiful trees and well maintained campus a byproduct of astronomical tuition fees.
3. Coastal Retreat: I was so looking forward to talking with Annabelle about aging and vibrancy and the metamorphosis women must make to connect with their authentic self as they age. She wears just a touch of make-up and the bright sun shines off her long hair. Just as long and shimmery as it was when we went to high school together over 25 years ago. The girl I remember from our youth- long legs, killer swing in volleyball, shoulders back confidence and strong beauty- seems to have spent the past decades becoming even more of a presence. She joins me in staring out over the water serving as the backdrop for our chat in the cafe high up on a cliff on the California Coast. The air is a bit cold with moisture from the ocean spray and I wonder how she keeps her hair so glossy and smooth in this setting. My hair responds to the coast by shriveling up in dank clumps against my scalp. That is Annabelle though, vibrant and glossy and shimmering in a way only possible when the spirit has been fed and nurtured.

 

 

[Margie B]

Hi Everybody, I'm looking forward to meeting you all at the conference and hearing more about your stories. Here are my responses to the 7 assignments... so far.

(1) STORY STATEMENT

Must defy her domineering mother and controlling husband to take charge of her life and find true love.

(2) THE ANTAGONISTS

There are two antagonists who sometimes act in concert. Rosemary—protagonist Viola's mother—has always treated her adult daughter like a child. Her natural tendency to over-protect her only got worse following the terror she experienced on the day three-year-old Viola slipped out of the house and was nearly run over by a car.

Rosemary aligns herself with Anthony, Viola's husband, sensing that he will also exercise control over Viola and keep her safe from the dangers of the world. She wears blinders when it comes to Anthony’s methods of control. He’s a covert narcissist who manipulates Viola with passive aggression and gaslighting, alternating with love-bombing. To keep her dependent on him, he undermines her intelligence, abilities, and desires, much as Nurse Ratchet did to her patients. Anthony lacks self-worth and fears that Viola would neglect or leave him if left to her own devices.

(3) BREAKOUT TITLE

"Running Late for the Love Story"

"A New Life Beginning on a Distant Shore"

"It Ends with a Love Story"

(4) SMART COMPARABLES FOR YOUR NOVEL

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Like my novel, it features an older protagonist (70) with a love interest and past trauma, and a story full of humor and pathos.

Where’d You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple. Like my novel, it has a lot of humor and it's about a quirky older character with something to learn who escapes from a stifling marriage. 

The Good House by Ann Leary, released as a film a couple years ago, features a compelling love story between characters in their 60s.

How my novel is different: There are novels about older couples, usually widows or widowers, who reunite with someone they loved in their youth. But it's rare to find a novel about people who divorced in the latter part of their lives and found love with someone new (through online dating in the case of my story) as opposed to rediscovering a former love. My story reflects what is happening to many 50+ people right now (or to their friends). Divorce is “skyrocketing among aging boomers,” according to a 2023 AARP study.

(5) WRITE YOUR LOGLINE WITH PRIMARY CONFLICT AND CORE WOUND

After pretending to be divorced on a dating app, 63-year-old Viola finds what may be her last chance at true love, but the relationship is doomed unless she can break out of her toxic marriage.

(6) INNER CONFLICT AND SECONDARY CONFLICT

Viola is conflicted because she’s been manipulated all her life, both by her mother and Anthony. After so long, it’s a struggle to grasp what’s real and what they have wanted her to believe. It takes new knowledge of how they have each betrayed her to trigger her into action. But instead of facing the real issue—her need to find her own strength to defy them—she starts a relationship with another man under the false pretense of being divorced.

The secondary conflict comes from her mother, Rosemary,  the original cause of Viola's low self-esteem. Mom continues to exert influence over her from beyond the grave, as Viola carries on conversations with the armchair where Mom always sat. When the nor-easter comes, Viola tries to save the chair, but the sea carries it away and it sinks under the water. This helps free her from Mom’s control and allows her to move forward with her new life.

(7) SETTING

The main setting is an old house on the coast in Scituate MA, built on stilts to keep it above the waves at high tide. The shifting moods of the ocean add depth to the story and allow for an exhilarating climax, when Viola has to retrieve what she can from the family home before it’s (possibly) destroyed by a nor’easter in the dead of winter.

More than just a setting for a storm, Scituate is the place where she feels the strongest connection to family, friends, and her environment. Returning home is a necessary component of finding her truest self. Her recovery is evidenced by the gradual renewal of her connection to this place and its inhabitants.

[Tucker Bomar]

Story Statement:

A North Carolina woman is thrown into a blackmail scheme that threatens her small town and her life.

Antagonist Sketch:

Mrs. Silvia Parson has a tone that stiffens the spine and shivers the soul. Described by her husband as a witch with a capital B, there is nothing magical about the woman. Born to the frigid Ohio winters, Silvia has hidden the scars of her childhood beneath a layer of expensive makeup.

At 68 years old, Silvia and her husband John have created a name for themselves. The power couple purchased a beautiful waterfront home in the coastal town of Beaufort, a quiet getaway from their private D.C. firm. Their dinner parties have become famous, and the invites are coveted among the residents who line the pavement of Front Street. Secrets are gathered, filed away, and cataloged. The residents are blissfully unaware until their follies are laid bare and eyes grow eyes.

Silvia has been plotting this moment for years. So, when her husband John shows up dead, she must change course.  If there’s anything Silvia likes less than dead husbands, it’s the inconvenience of changed plans. Silvia is as profane as she is polished, as cruel as she is calculated, and as cold as the winters that hardened her heart.

Breakout Title:

Clean

2 Comparables:

Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: This novel gives a sense of dread that permeates the novel and its intricate plot lines. Historical accuracy also offers readers an appreciation of the writer's thoroughness.

I Am Watching You: This novel is similar in that the different viewpoints keep the readers guessing who is lying.

Hook, line, and sinker:

Blood is in the waters of Beaufort, the capitalist sharks are circling. Darla must fight against the current of hate, blackmail, and the justice department as she saves her town, her friends, and her life.

Internal conflict:

Darla is well acquainted with rock bottom; her mundane life scrapes along at a snail's pace with the occasional high side of alcoholic blackouts. She longs for adventure, excitement, and money, a life beyond the walls of her mobile home. She is left to grapple with the fallout when her wish is granted. As the world throws her lemons like a 98 mph fastball, she is forced to answer some uncomfortable questions. Am I a bad friend? Am I as selfish as my brother? Am I the girl that will never make it out of the trailer park? Will I make it out alive?

Hypothetical:

Darla goes to great lengths to uncover the bad actors pulling her town's strings. From the window of her mobile home, she watches money and beachfront property being traded like playing cards. She just can’t afford to join the game.

Darla is offered a deal to join the ranks of piranhas that feed on the accounts and securities of others. Darla realizes that she is human and that we all are tempted to take the path of least resistance.

What will she do? Darla is the unsupervised child in the candy store, aware of the future stomach pains just enough for her hand to waiver above the brightly colored jars. She is presented with riches she can only imagine, but at what cost? Her morality is as murky as the brackish waters she grew up on. She loves her brother but hates the burden of being his caretaker. She is a friend but also a burden. She wants more, but is she ready?

Setting Sketch:

Honestly, if you want to hear how the setting will make you feel, go search on Spotify for “Threads of Fate” by Secession Studios/Greg Dombrowski. Imagine lying on a beach, thunder rumbles in the distance, the sky darkens, rain speckles your face, and you turn to the sound of a motor. Screaming around the dune is Darla in a fishing boat, pursued by gunmen, straight into the eye of a storm.

The story takes place in the once-quiet coastal town of Beaufort, North Carolina. This is not the romanticized Nicholas Sparks, seagulls in the breeze, Beaufort that you might have heard of. This is the fish-smelling, boat horn chorus of a rotting town, with a bit of racial tension.

The plot lines weave between that of Darla (Protagonist), Silvia (Antagonist), and a band of disabled Vietnam War veterans turned career criminals. Each perspective has the unique advantage of inner thoughts and the breath in which that character inhales the world around them. Some are sweet, some make you want to gargle mouthwash, and some are so kindhearted that you might weep.

The physical setting has been thoroughly researched and has many coastal trappings specific to the Carolinas, wild horses, menhaden, seagull droppings, and hurricanes. The setting is designed to give you the gritty feeling of sand between your teeth; its conflict is uncomfortable and honest. But with discomfort comes reward, and some hurricanes leave behind the most beautiful rainbows.

[Mary Riddel]

Write to Pitch Assignment Responses and see email Jan 16.docx

[Ben Cruz]

1.Story Statement:

Nick sets out to film a documentary about his father, Martin Shade, a famous jazz musician who disappeared when Nick was eight years old.

 2. Antagonist:

The novel is plotted on three levels.

The first level is Nick and his high school girlfriend, Vanessa Gibb, interviewing people who played a crucial role in Martin’s life. The story takes an unexpected turn when Nick and Vanessa discover a secret love affair and the existence of a musical instrument that used to belong to Martin and that everyone covets, which pits Nick against unknown antagonistic forces.  

 The second plot line is Martin Shade playing in a racially-integrated jazz trio in the sixties, in Joe Erskine’s territory.

Joe Erskine is the mafia-connected owner of the San Francisco club where Shade Mann Bates, Martin’s trio, plays nine months of the year. Everybody knows Erskine is ruthless in his business dealings and the club is a physical representation of himself, dark and sinister.  Erskine is jealous of Martin, but prefers to keep him close by exploiting Martin’s drug addiction to keep him employed and dependent. When Martin’s reliability as a musician deteriorates, Erskine convinces his bandmates to replace him, sending Martin on a downward spiral that brings him face to face with the forces that are set to destroy him.

The third sub-plot is a love triangle between Martin Shade, Nick’s mother and Desmond Bates, a brilliant Black pianist and Martin’s bandmate. As the two musicians compete for Marisa’s love, their friendship is tested. Conflict rises and intertwines with the other two plot lines to bring the novel to denouement.

3.Titles:

“Thermidor” –   Nick grew up listening to his father’s music and in particular to “Thermidor” an album recorded a few weeks before Martin Shade went missing, which became a jazz standard. Growing up, Nick suspected the album was related to his father’s disappearance.

 “Shade” –  born Martin Shrader, Nick’s father changed his name to “Shade” when he moved to San Francisco from the East Bay to become a professional musician.  

“Glen Park” – the San Francisco neighborhood where the novel takes place and the name of Thermidor’s third track evoking a shared bus ride where Bates and Nick’s mother fell in love.

4.Genre:

Thriller

Comps:

This story will resonate with readers who appreciated “The Shadow of the Wind” by Carlos Ruiz Zafon for the quest with lively characters in vivid settings and  "The Ocean at the End of the Lane," by Neil Gaiman by the way the novel weaves rich stories with imaginative and fantastical elements.  Fans of the movie "Green Book" and the HBO series "Tremé" will also find affinities with this novel.   

5. Write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound.

Nick’s father disappeared thirty years ago after recording Thermidor. Now Nick must find out what happened to him and recover a trumpet that wields special powers.    

6. Sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction.

Central Conflict.

Nick Shade is no stranger to loss. He grew up haunted by his father’s disappearance and stopped enjoying music after his mother died of cancer. When Vanessa Gibb asks for his help filming a documentary about his father, Nick has become complacent and is stuck in a job as a camara operator for a local TV channel.  At first, he resists rekindling any hope of finding his father, but is seduced by Vanessa and agrees to help her on condition that they keep his identity secret - he does not want the spotlight on him. As they conduct interviews for the documentary, Nick hides behind the camera, as narrator and witness, the way he has lived his life so far, but progressively gains agency and is forced to take action.  

Hypothetical:

Throughout the novel Nick remains conflicted about finding the truth, as disturbing as it may be, by delving deeper into his parents’ secret history.  When he and Vanessa discover a love affair between his mother and Bates, despite his first impulse to deny it, Nick is gnawed by curiosity. Abetted by Vanessa, he breaks into Bates’ house in Bayou St. John in the middle of the night and steals his mother’s diaries.  With this information they reconstruct the past and Nick’s struggle begins to distinguish reality from his imagination.

Throughout the novel, Nick and Vanessa harbor feelings for each other, share tender moments and even consummate their long-lost love affair. However, Nick finds reality is not what it seems, and that Vanessa is part of a complex web weaved around him. To win, Nick must reconcile with his past and make peace with his lost father.

 Secondary Conflict

Martin Shade and Desmond Bates are friends, bandmates and opposites. Martin is white, Bates is black. Martin is brash and impulsive, Bates is disciplined and thoughtful. They play in a jazz trio in the sixties when the Civil Rights are little more than fresh ink on paper.

Hypothetical:

While on tour in a town south of the Mason-Dixon a man hurts Bates for using the hotel swimming pool. Martin bludgeons and abducts the man to Bates’ horror who disapproves of violence but who is nonetheless grateful. Bates then repays the favor when Martin gets in trouble with Erskine. Their friendship is constantly tested and affected by social forces, especially when Bates and Marisa are attacked by three robbers who mistake them for an interracial couple when Bates is walking her home.

7. Settings:

The first and third parts of the novel take place around San Francisco and New Orleans, present time.

The second part of the novel which narrates the story of Martin Shade, takes place in San Francisco in the sixties.

Santa Cruz – The novel opens in the coastal highway between San Francisco and Santa Cruz as Vanessa and Nick are traveling to meet with Charlie Mann, the ex-drummer of Shade Mann Bates.  The coastal terrain is menacing, with sharp drops, reflecting they are stepping into the unknown. In Half Moon Bay, Vanessa sees herself in a young surfer girl paddling in the ocean. Later on, they visit the Santa Cruz Boardwalk with its throwback Seafair and Nick feels the past insinuating itself as if seeping through a crack in time.     

New Orleans - next they head to meet with Desmond Bates and arrive at the French Quarter at mid-night in the middle of a thunderstorm. They take refuge in haunted hotel.  Bates, who is originally from the South, has moved back home in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. Bayou St. John, the French Quarter and the St. Louis Basilica are central to the action, especially when Nick plays his father’s trumpet with a young brass band on Jackson Square.      

Glen Park – described as the foggy lands west of Twin Peaks, Glen Park is a middle-class neighborhood in San Francisco where Vanessa and Nick grew up and where most of the action takes place.  This is also the setting for Martin Shade’s backstory.  

The Black Hawk - is the San Francisco club owned by Erskine, always dark no matter the time of day with back alleyways where hunched figures lurk while getting a fix.     

 

 

 

 

 

[Ted]

 

All, 

Looking forward to learning more at the conference!

1.     Story Statement:

The children of a small and insular mountainous society are seized under force by raiders from the larger monarchy on the lowlands, taken as apparent chattel. The children soon learn they are to be replacements for their captors’ own, who have been wiped out by a deadly plague that devastated all, but somehow spared most of the adults from death while taking their children.

Those captive children, then placed on farms and in workhouses, are desperate to learn what happened to their families and their homeland. Did the adults of their society survive the attack? They feel alternately bereft and forsaken. But they are carefully controlled by their captors, who try to convince them they were not kidnapped at all, but rather saved, and that their families had quite willingly surrendered them, and that their new masters are actually their new families.

Years pass. Then three of the older children, now in their teens, decide to break free. They make their arduous way home in the face of many dangers, and with a growing sense of rage, to find out the truth about that night their lives changed so abruptly.

2.     Antagonist statement:

Understanding the nature of the perceived enemy is baffling to the children. Are the people who took them away slavers or saviors? Are the children captives or adoptees?

The monarchy is overseen by a young queen, thrust to the throne when her father, the king, succumbed to the plague. She tells the children they have been spared from death, that their lives are now infinitely better, and that the future of this land is theirs. But she also refuses to the tell them the truth of how they came to be taken, and what has happened to their parents. The specter of an extermination hangs heavy, even as she assures them all is well.

Indeed, the queen seems infinitely kind, yet equally inscrutable. What is the real plan?

This is a land of ill-educated, impoverished, plague-damaged people, so unlike the more learned place from which they were wrenched. On the home front, our protagonist Cyprian is sent to live with an older couple on a remote farm. Slowly, Cyprian must learn their language and come to know their story. They grieve their dead son, but Cyprian rebels against any notion he should replace that sorrowfully lost boy. 

3.     Titles:

The Children Plot

Upon a Self-Born Hour

A Return to Abandonment

4.     Comparable works:

The Odyssey – In many ways about a painful return home, only to find your home changed without you.

The Painted Bird – Children cast on their own in strange lands, trying to find their way back to those who forsook them.

5.     Core Wound and Primary Conflict

The primary conflict will be the fight to find an answer, against those who intend to conceal it. The journey that must be taken to find that answer involves veal conflicts – pursuers trying to capture them, thieves determined to take what they have, and in the end clues that may not eve reveal the sought truth. But it also includes people believing they are truly trying to save the protagonists from themselves, a much-harder battle for the protagonists to wage.

As with the story of any quest, the characters are tested, forced to evaluate their own beliefs, and required to change and grow with newfound knowledge.

6.     Protagonist Inner Conflict

There are three protagonists, among whom Cyprian is the storyteller and primary point of view. The others are Seda and Adamian.

As they journey, they carry with them a variety of inner conflicts. Each embodies one more than the others.

-Fear – Despite their hopes, they aren’t sure what they are hoping for. To find their families dead will both free them of the nagging sense they really were abandoned. But it will be the confirmation of their deepest personal loss, and the true beginnings of inevitable grief that must accompany that.

-Anger – They know, innately, that to find their families alive and well will not be a joyous reunion, but rather will be the source of deep-felt pain, to know they truly were cast away. Seda and Adamian especially feel this, as their lives have been one of forced labor by a farmer who seems to hate them. With each step toward their goal, they become more aware of the hard truth that awaits them.

-Uncertainty – They seek an answer knowing that the answer will not guide them in what comes after that. Only the unknown lies past their quest.

-Regret – For Cyprian, who has been treated with love by the older couple who took him in, he feels the odd sense he has betrayed them, despite all. But he knows he has cut ties from a life which he will be unlikely to return to. He has given up their love, however modest, and that may have been too easily squandered.

7.     The Setting

The time in which this is set is amorphous by design. Could be any era that predated the Industrial Age, but probably the Middle Ages.

This is a tale of three cities, for the most part. 

-       One is up in the mountains, a place of clean air and lush fields where self-sustenance is easier; it is a place in which the ease of survival has allowed a place devoted to knowledge and wisdom. But with knowledge can come doubt, and overconfident aspirations. The remote location is its own natural defense; the difficulty in reaching it both protects and isolates it. They have grown as a people on their own schedule, far different than those who live below.

-       Second is the larger place in the lowlands, separated from the mountain ranges by arid bands of desert, fertile but still a harder place to live. Small farms make do and raise crops with great effort; few people can read and even fewer seek knowledge and enlightenment beyond the necessary. They are not evil, but in their labors and experience they are a harder people than those up in the mountains; there’s a very simple practicality to everything they do. Now, ravaged by the plague and having lost their children, they feel a need to do what’s necessary. They are ruled by a young queen trying to find her way and fill the void of her father’s undeniable influence over the people, and may be seeing her well-intended missteps.

-       Third is a peninsular city-state, a seagoing people for whom every day is a chance for a discovery upon the endless waters stretching out from their shores. They are happy and worldly in a way that comes not from books but from deep experience and wide travels that put them in contact with far-flung societies; they are risk-takers possibly inclined toward recklessness. They live in balmy days of sunshine that sometimes fools them into not noticing the inexorable passing of time. They are strong from the work but endlessly light in spirit.

 

[Kev Perkins]

Story Statement
Challenge faith within theocracy, and, via synaesthetic baking, unravel genuine identity

Antagonists
Characters

• Him, the immortal sovereign and founder of the city of Caylum, established the caste system of 10 Hues called the Dime. As the protagonist discovers more about Caylum and what may lay beyond its enclosure (a smokey white barrier called the Pearl), Him becomes someone untrustworthy, possibly dangerous.
• The nine Angels within the Angel Hue are purveyors of Him’s teachings/order, so their presence is antagonistic via association.
• The Onyx Hue is secretive and dangerous, with their sole purpose being the control of Pecca, a word the residents fear but don’t understand (it translates to sin in our world's latin, but here represents innovation/autonomy). Their mysterious actions are revealed to be cruel and violent.

Systematic Force

More than the characters, the presence of organized faith and its associated dangers represent the true antagonist. This is exemplified in the climax, when the protagonist discovers that Him is not real. He is merely a concept, a tool fabricated by the original founders and wielded by the Onyx Hue to maintain order (as they've done for ages, without much thought to why), with no singular person to outright blame.
 

Title(s)
My project is intended as a duology, with only Part 1 being referred to in my query letter and this exercise. As part of the conference, I’d like to understand whether to pitch these together or stick with the first part, which could stand alone as a singular novel if absolutely necessary (themes would wrap up more abstractly, and the resulting cliffhanger of an ending could be considered symbolic, though not ideal)

Part 1: Under the Dime (90k words)
Part 2: Above the Prism (87k words)
Duology/2-part novel title options: "Caylum’s Dime", "Blue Rider Duology", "Apokellipsis"

Genre Comparables

Bloom and Heartstopper utilize an ambience of snug, queer joy, which I've incorporated throughout the plot via a burgeoning relationship between the protagonist and another man. The protagonist is especially relevant to Bloom, with his love for baking and his generally shy, home-body nature. He may be older at 30 years old, but I find that so many mature gay men have gravitated towards high-school-aged material like these commercial graphic novels because a lot of us are “late-blooming” (whether that means considering one’s own identity later than most or literally coming out later in life). It is satisfying, and for many, retroactively healing, to read about these characters having positive experiences in acceptance and relationships while being so young. My protagonist, although older and more mature than a high schooler, is largely naive in the realm of love and sex, and my hope is to highlight that many gay men don't reach that genuine soul-searching era until their 30s/40s/50s/+, which is entirely acceptable.

The Book of Dust by Philip Pullman, the more adult followup to His Dark Materials, is close to my novel thematically. Both use grounded, fantastical elements to highlight the real-world identity crises stemming from organized religion and the dangers of theocracy. The many-worlds theory utilized in Pullman’s series is also relevant to the basis of my world-building, with Caylum existing in another dimension that does indeed have connections to real-world Earth.

Primary Conflict / Hook Line
Arden Ochre is ignorantly blissful in his lack of autonomy, but when he defies his faith in Caylum’s sovereign by baking beyond his sanctioned recipes, he inadvertently joins a rebellion that unveils a fabricated history

Secondary Conflicts
Unrequited Love: Arden harbors a secret attraction to men and is in love with his best and only friend, Dem Carob. Dem is the straightest they come, and promptly proposes to a woman, Luci Lapis. Arden finds himself untethering as he battles jealousy and fear, unable to keep his emotions at bay. As if in answer, a new man appears to Arden, Marcus Garnet, and a cautious romance commences (in turn, making Dem jealous of the friendship)

Faith vs Identity: Arden finds contentment in his born role as an Ochre, a baker. He is a staunch supporter of Him and holds his faith close to his heart. But as he discovers all may not be as it seems, his faith falters. This terrifies him, as his assumed identity is based entirely on his love for Him and his pride in being born an Ochre through the holy caste system, the Dime. As he grows and expands his view, particularly around a burgeoning sexuality, he struggles with emotions similar to those felt by real-world folks during religious deconstruction.

Synesthesia / Blue Rider: Arden has synesthesia. He tastes in beautiful, complex colors. As he explores new bakes, he sees many new colors and formations. There is a strange blue light he keeps running into with each new bake, and it seems to connect to a mystery he encountered at the Library: the enigmatic texts of the Blue Rider. He starts to consider this blue light might be something real, a kind of higher energy. This would be heretical, however, so he battles between faith in Him and this otherworldly entity.

*note this blue light is simply intuition, the power of autonomy (e.g. the God within all), and it's how Arden's synesthesia interprets it. The Blue Rider is based on a real-world art movement by Kandisnky and Marc, and color theory is explored throughout the novel (aligning colors with feeling/traits, which directly reflect the Dime's 10 Hues). These concepts mesh into one another via a social myth similar to the 4 riders of the apocalypse in Revelations, wherein the Blue Rider (the 5th) is said to guide the 4 (red/white/black/green) into change.

Setting
The city of Caylum consists of 7 Halos, ringed neighborhoods surrounding one another and rising in tiers as they near the center. Most buildings have an off-white coloring due to the natural Tufa limestone mined in the northern mountains. The City Forum sits in the center of the 7 Halos (enveloped by the luxuriously decorated Halo 1, where most of the artistic Saffron Hue reside), which holds the intricately adorned white Steeple (where Him and the nine Angels live). The Steeple is surrounded by the Onyx Hue’s building, the Oculus, a black obsidian-tiled, low, circular, sloping building. The outskirts, Halos 6 and 7, encompass the farmland and manufacturing buildings. The very edge of Caylum’s circular land is surrounded by a mile-high enclosure of white, oily fog, called the Pearl. Beyond this is said to be chaos; it’s taught by Him that the damned’s souls are cast there, into the Abyss, as their souls are bogged down in apostasy. This is opposed to those that live in grace, whose souls rise with the Pearl’s fumes into the skies.

Some key areas/buildings in the city are Arden’s Ochry (the yellow-bricked bakery where he lives and works), the Sager Library (6 floor, emerald-green tiled building with its interior of classrooms and a 4-floor library), the Tiberis River (flowing from the northeast and crossing diagonally to the southwest, flowing underground under the city in twisting caverns – it is actually a horizontal mirroring of the Tiber River’s shape in real-world Rome), Dem’s farmhouse (the low standing, simple house of Arden’s best friend in Halo 6), Halo 4’s green parks (leisure and play for the residents), and the Sunken Church (a hidden, old church underground where Arden first meets the rebellion’s society).

***part 2 is largely set in Jahenna (following a rip in the Pearl at end of part 1), an ancient city nearby of world trade, with its own issues of rising, theocratic groups that are using Caylum’s exposure as evidence of their divine purposes***

[Kendall]

ASSIGNMENT ONE: Story Statement

The Messy Parts story statement

• Conquer self-doubt to win lost love.

ASSIGNMENT TWO:  Antagonistic sketch

Christmas Eve (Chrissy) Monroe
Christmas Eve is a tightly wound, perfectly-make-uped, successful litigator with a live-in boyfriend and a swanky apartment on the Upper West Side. She’s all the things her sister, Easter Sunday (Sunny), is not. Beautiful and rolling in designer clothes, she’s got her life together while Sunny can’t keep a boyfriend or a job. Quick on critiques and shy on compliments, Chrissy made it her life’s mission to manage Sunny’s.

Two years older than Sunny, Chrissy was shoved into the mother-figure role shortly after their folk music superstar mom (Valentine LaGros) abandoned them. When her father crumbled after a final falling out with Valentine during her junior year of high school, Chrissy became the sole bearer of parenting responsibilities despite being a teen herself.

Though she loves her sister, Chrissy is convinced Sunny’s life needs constant intervention to keep it from train wreck territory. Chrissy is methodical in how she manages her sister’s ability to stay afloat. Her primary goal in life has always been to make sure her sister is okay and doesn’t end up like their mother, but over the last fifteen years, the weight of that has bred resentment and a desire for distance from Sunny.

ASSIGNMENT THREE: Title Options

• Meet Me in McKinney
• The Messy Parts

ASSIGNMENT FOUR: Comparables

• Told in alternating timelines, The Messy Parts blends the perpetual longing for the first person you loved, and hurt, the most, portrayed in Carly Fortune’s Every Summer After with the messy family dynamics depicted in Emily Henry’s Book Lovers. 

ASSIGNMENT FIVE: Logline 

• The family pariah of a folk music superstar must face the boy whose heart she shattered and prove she’s not the degenerate daughter everyone paints her to be after being abandoned on a tiny island by her controlling sister.

ASSIGNMENT SIX: Conditions of Inner Conflict

Inner Conflict
A perpetual screw-up abandoned by her superstar mother and pushed aside by her cold-shouldered father, Easter Sunday (Sunny) has always known she could count on her sister Christmas (Chrissy). That is until Chrissy got a live-in boyfriend and kicked her out of her fancy Upper West Side apartment and insisted Sunny stop leaning on her so much because “you’re thirty, Easter. Geez.” As a final favor, Chrissy helped Sunny land her dream job, only for it to implode in a hazy fit of rage that got Sunny fired and splinted her cheating ex’s nose. But Chrissy can’t know or the final filaments of warmth she has left for Easter will finally split.

To everyone but Chrissy (and her brief high school flame), Sunny is just a copy and paste version of their famous mother (Valentine), someone to bully or use. So when Chrissy and Sunny are forced to see each after Valentine LaGros abruptly dies only a week after Sunny got sacked, Sunny must conceal the fact she’s been fired from her sister or risk losing the only person who’s ever truly loved her. As someone with zero poker face, she decides her best option is to spend the funeral dodging Chrissy and pretending the car she needs to find a new job didn’t die en route, effectively stranding her. But to her great dismay, at the wake following the funeral, her father makes a dig that sends Sunny spiraling, shot-glassing three whiskey neats and waking up at a local’s house to an irate Chrissy who missed her flight to take care of her ‘yet again’ before abandoning her on the island.

Throughout the opening scene(s), Sunny is bubbling with anxiety over lying to the only person who seems to tolerate her while simultaneously contending with jealously over being her father’s least favorite. Moreover, she’s envious about how Chrissy is processing their mom’s death while she just feels numb. Everything for Chrissy has always been easy, at least in Sunny’s mind. She processes things correctly, has a killer job, and doesn’t look just like Valentine LaGros. She’s everything Sunny should be but isn’t, the one person Sunny wants to impress but hasn’t since high school. Worse yet, it seems Sunny is doomed to recreate her past mistakes that have pushed Chrissy away to begin with and crippled her ability to be her own person: she’s stuck at a stranger’s house with no money or way to get back home. Worse, the hot guy she got shit-faced with the night before happens to be the stranger’s son.

Secondary Conflict
Sunny has a lot of regrets in life but none as much as how she obliterated her best friend’s heart in high school and pushed away the one person besides Chrissy who’d been good to her. When her mother dies and Sunny returns to McKinney Island for her funeral, she can’t help the absolute dread and excitement she feels about seeing him (Michael) again only to come up short. Instead, along with the pervasive numbness that comes from losing a parent you never really knew, she’s greeted with gawking fans, her father’s frosty demeanor, her overbearing sister, and a handsomely grumpy stranger who feels too familiar for her liking.

In flashback chapters, we see Sunny and Michael’s relationship develop: two high school rejects bonding and falling in love, only for the trust they built to crumble because of quick-tempers, a comedy of errors, and an intervention that kept them separated for decades.

It isn’t until Sunny returns to the island and realizes the stranger from the bar is Michael that she sees the full damage she’s done. In her absence, Michael tried to become the person she meanly accused him of never being when they last parted and it doubles her guilt, weighing her down like all of his bad decisions are hers to bear because who Michael became barely resembles the boy she remembers. He’s in love with the mean bartender (Mel) from the wake, who’s sleeping with one of his friends, and he’s morphed into something stoic, cold. Not at all like the nerdy, kind, kid she fell in love with. And that realization has Sunny doing backflips to make things right, atoning for her sins by agreeing to fake date him to get his bartender ex back just to make him happy. Because she desperately wants that, even if it’s to his detriment by being with someone as awful as Mel. If she can help him find his version of happiness (no matter how twisted), maybe she’ll finally stop thinking about him every day like she has for the past 15 years. Maybe she’ll finally get one thing right, stop being so selfish, and become someone Chrissy can be proud of. Maybe she’ll finally be good enough.

ASSIGNMENT SEVEN: Setting

McKinney Island
The Messy Parts takes place in a fictional town in the middle of Lake Erie on McKinney Island. Considered Mackinac Island’s second rate cousin, McKinney is quaint and bustling with tourists from the beginning of May through November until the winter turns the lake into an ice rink. Like Mackinac, no cars are allowed and locals work seasonal jobs in restaurants and stores during peak season. Its rife with small town gossip and plastered with photos of the town celebrity, Valentine LaGros. Those who grew up there and stayed live in Sandersville off Main Street in old slat homes with pretty wrap around porches and gorgeous lake views. McKinney is brimming with charm and local events specific to tight knit communities that look out for one another. And though Sunny’s mom always felt like an outsider there, it’s the only place Sunny can remember feeling like herself.

New Jersey
Sunny spends part of the second act of The Messy Parts in her run-down apartment in Jersey with her roommate (and only friend) Natalie after fleeing McKinney Island when her old life converges with her new one in a fiery pit of embarrassment and old wounds reopened. Once she returns to Jersey, she’s resigned to pick up the pieces of her old life for good, free from the burden of trying to please others. 
 

[garrenb]

Story Statement:

Get revenge on your childhood friend turned Emperor.

Antagonist Sketch:

Sole heir to the Aeressian throne, Lucius ïst Havice de Vincentius is a tortured musical genius who takes every opportunity to embark on debaucherous and indulgent adventures. He daydreams with Cyra, his childhood friend, of running away to be a violinist and live his truest life, which includes romantic relationships with men. This is highly controversial in the Empire, especially for an Emperor who chief responsibility is continuing his bloodline.

When Lucius’s father dies abruptly, he’s thrust into the position of Emperor at only eighteen years old. To protect his secret and secure the throne during a tumultuous transition period, he banishes Cyra and marries her romantic interest, Marilla. After this betrayal, Lucius begins to unravel as the collective psychic toll of the title he never wanted drags down his spirit with each passing day. By the time of the rebellion, Lucius is viewed by many in the empire as a weak, erratic recluse, and regularly has difficulties performing his tasks as emperor.

Breakout Titles:

-Hell Hath No Fury- Evoking the classic saying ‘Hell Hath No Fury like a Woman Scorned,’ this title follows the same pattern as Joe Abercrombie’s most celebrated standalone fantasy novel ‘Best Served Cold,’ another story about revenge. The main character, Cyra, is a woman scorned when her childhood best friend Lucius is elevated to Emperor and exiles her to protect his dark secrets. The novel is about Cyra’s furious revenge, and her slow sinking into more violence and anger to achieve her ultimate goal.

-Let Leak Their Treacherous Blood- A declarative statement spoken from Cyra’s perspective; it is also meant to have a similar format to the famous Shakespeare line ‘Let Slip the Dogs of War.’ This title can convey very succinctly not just the tone of the book but also the stakes the reader will encounter. ‘Treacherous’ let’s readers know the speaker has been betrayed. And the image of leaking blood lets the reader know that whoever committed the treachery in the novel is not just treacherous in their actions, but treacherous to their very core, as it is in their blood.

-A Plot of Pain and Vengeance- This one might be a bit over the top, but it uses a very recognizable title convention made popular by Sarah J Maas’s ACOTAR series. A ___ of ___ and ___. It gets right to the point in a format familiar to fantasy readers and lets the reader know exactly what the pot is about. Cyra’s plan to take revenge on Lucius.

Genre Comparables:  

-Anji Kills a King- A soon to be released book in 2025, the main character of this book is also a woman who assassinated a king and must deal with the political turmoil that follows. Gritty and dark, the tones of these books match up. This book is also being published by a first-time author, Evan Leikam, and would find fans among readers who enjoy authors like Joe Abercrombie, R.F. Kuang, and Christopher Buehlman, which would be my target audience as well.

-The Daughter’s War- Released early 2024 to rave reviews, the themes of war, violence, and revenge are heavy in this grim dark story about a female main character who finds herself in the middle of a vicious war. The magic in the Daughters War is also very minimal, and much of it is focused on the character work, similar to my book. Again because of the themes and tone, The Daughter’s War and my work would have a lot of crossover fans of other authors such as Joe Abercrombie and R.F. Kuang. 

Hook Line/Conflict:

A banished outcast seeks revenge on her childhood best friend for exiling her after he is crowned emperor, fighting through legions of his lackeys and her own self-doubt to receive the justice she so desperately thinks will make her whole.

Inner Conflict:

Before Cyra was banished from Aerassas, she was brought up in the capital as the daughter of a famous general who served alongside Lucius’s father, Emperor Havince. This afforded Cyra a modicum of privilege in society. She attended the Aeressian Civil Academy to get an education and never had to worry about her own physical safety or not having enough money. As part of her education, she was raised on stories of great men doing great things, striving against all odds to overcome their enemies and succeed no matter what. Stories that glorified individuals and their actions. This kind of neo-liberal idealism is pervasive in her flashback chapters. It leads Cyra to believe that all she needs to do is work hard enough and leverage her position as friends with the emperor in waiting, Lucius, to achieve her dream of becoming the first woman ever to serve in the Imperial Assembly. Obviously, this does not come to fruition. Instead, she is betrayed by Lucius who banishes her when he is elevated to the throne. 

This results in Cyra experiencing several inner conflicts. The first and foremost are serious trust issues. Much like Aaron Burr in Hamilton, she becomes obsessed with ‘being in the room where it happens.’ Previously, she thought that she could just work hard and have everything turn out well for her. When we see her in the present, Cyra believes she must fight tooth and nail to always sit in the room where real decisions are made, so that no one can ever determine her fate other than herself.

She also becomes hyper fixated on achievement. She doubles down on hard work to get what she wants, neglecting her physical, emotional, and social health. This narrow world view leads her to making decisions that only serve her own ends and lack consideration of anything else. 

For example, as the rebel army marches towards the capital, they find they need more laborers to help haul supplies to increase the army's speed. Cyra points out there is a settlement nearby that’s recently experienced a population boom due to a sharp increase in logging activity. In the next scene, we see these people in chains and being forced against their will to carry packs and haul wagons for the rebel army against their will. While Cyra knows this to be an indiscretion bordering on slavery, she justifies it in her mind by saying it will help achieve her goal. Eventually, Cyra grows crueler and more violent to combat her cognitive dissonance in the face of the mounting evidence that the cause she is supporting might not have the moral high ground. 

At the end of the novel, Cyra’s rhetoric/actions are just as bad if not worse than the same rhetoric/actions she claimed to abhor at the beginning of the book, bringing the cognitive dissonance full circle.

Secondary Conflict:

While there are several secondary conflicts, one that complicates the story most in Cyra’s sexuality. To be a gay woman is something that would be considered deeply shameful, especially for a woman in a position of higher standings. It is a secret she must constantly contend with and is one of the reasons Lucius has her banished in the first place. 

After she is banished, Cyra becomes paranoid about everything to do with her sexuality. She takes one of the maids in the governor’s manor as a lover but only does so under very strict and unsavory conditions. Combined with the patriarchal culture under which she was raised, she ends up not treating this girl very well, over committing to patriarchal norms to insulate herself from scrutiny by her peers. This overcompensating pattern repeats in several instances throughout the novel in a variety of instances, as Cyra sees the emulation of terrible male behavior as the only way to get what she wants.

Cyra falls victim to this in a number of ways, including plenty of misogyny, and when confronted with her behavior she must either make changes or risk alienating most of her close personal relationships.

Setting:

Inspirations:

This is a bit of background for how the setting came to be. On the scale of plotter to discovery writer, I tend to swing more towards the discovery side of things. By the time I sat down to write this book, I had already written two books and a novella using exclusively discovery writing. But I knew that in order to be a successful writer, I’d need more plotting involved in my creative process. So, I took inspiration from another famous discovery writer, Geroge RR Martin, and decided to write a fantasy novel inspired by real life events. (A Song of Ice and Fire being inspired by The War of the Roses) At the same time, I was reading a book on famous events in Roman history for DND inspiration. When I stumbled across the civil war known as The Year of Four Emperors, my mind immediately filled in the narrative. This is the inspiration for a lot of geography and set up of the Aeressian Empire, however I advanced the setting to be more reflective of Renaissance era Italy because frankly that historical time period is fascinating. 

Geography:

The setting for this novel is a massive, ocean-spanning Empire called Aerassas, named after the capital at the center of the Empire. The capital sits on an isthmus and controls large swaths of land divided into provinces. For narrative streamlining, the story mainly focuses on a few major provinces

Aerassas is home to Cyra, Marilla, and Lucius, as well as the site of the novels inciting incident and climax. Amorin is an industrious and wealthy province Cyra flees to when she is banished from the capital and where she spends many years off screen being tutored by its provincial governor, Governor Hadis. Then there’s Chamavi, a northern frontier province where other major characters come from, like the Assemblyman Özcan and Regina. The final region is a southern province called Shavir, which is warm, muggy, and home to vast rainforests.

The variety of geography is meant to reflect the expanse of the empire and illustrate just how obscene it is that all these different places with all these different people, cultures, and religions fitting into one empire makes almost zero logistical sense.

Temporal:

The time period of the book is roughly equivalent to what we would call the early renaissance. There are mentions of some trading guilds that are going under, as well as the introduction of gunpowder weapons. In the world of the novel, the time period is around three hundred years into the founding of the Aeressian Empire, so cracks are beginning to show. Constant wars weaken the government positions, and the Aeressian Empire is overextended on several fronts, allowing rebellions to fester all over the Empire, including the one Cyra participates in. However, instead of addressing any of the underlying issues, the ruling class of Aerassas prefer to blame all these problems on ‘the emperor being weak’ rather than addressing any of the systematic problems on which the empire was founded.

Culture:

In almost every way, I’ve written the Aeressain Empire to be described as a classic honor culture. The Empire is intensely patriarchal, as exemplified by important men not just carrying their surnames but also the names of their fathers as their full names. Honor cultures are also extremely violent and glorify that violence, as well as the individuals that commit it. As a result, those selected to rule in honor cultures are the ones deemed as societies ‘winners,’ which usually happens to be men that are already rich (shocker) or those that ‘prove’ themselves through extensive military experience. 

Women are, at best seen as second-class citizens, and at worst closer to property and valued primarily for their ability to produce more boys. For example, Cyra may be receiving an education in the novel flashbacks, but that is just to ensure she will be educated enough to educate her sons better when they are born. 

The other emphasis of Aeressian culture is the self. People are often judged by their personal strength and worth, which paradoxically leads to veneration of a few men everyone deems powerful. This is one of the primary drivers of early conflict in the book. Emperor Lucius is seen as a weak and effeminate man, something not helped by his rumored sexual deviancy, and much less of a man than his father. Due to cultural expectations of individual strength and distrust of weakness, a rebellion by a rival governor is formed because he is believed to be fundamentally ‘stronger.’

This culture of strength also leads to the Empire constantly being at war, expanding their frontiers with myriad campaigns that are meant to bring glory to the Empire really just serve to drain their coffers. After all, wars are expensive.

Duels are legal and considered normal, as the merit of arguments being out done by strength in combat is another hallmark of an honor culture.

As far as religion goes, Aerassas is vaguely polytheistic, however I never get too specific for a reason. The real religion of the Empire is the glorification of oneself. In the book, we see how several characters truly operate, and I wanted to make sure that readers understood that any mention of gods is surface level and self-serving.

Magic:

This world is fantasy and as such does have magic items called Hexerax. These primarily take the form of classical weapons from antiquity (swords, axes, spears) and grant their Handlers superhuman strength, speed, and senses. Some are more powerful than others, granting abilities that even allow the Handler to change the shape of the weapon to better fit their needs. While these weapons are powerful, no one knows how to make them anymore, meaning there is a finite number of them in the world. The primary reason for the Aeressian Empire’s successful expansion is due almost entirely to the stockpiling of these weapons. The most powerful, Worldrender, is a sword that is the hereditary right of the Aeressian Emperor. The emperor’s ability to Handle such a powerful Hexerax is one of the core reasons they are granted a position of dominance over the rest of the Empire. In the book, rumors that Lucius can’t Handle Worldrender are some of the primary reasons for initial discontent.

While the magic may not be that complex, that is on purpose. These weapons are, basically, like bringing a bazooka to a knife fight in most cases. Those that can Handle them are usually shown to do so through brute force and hatred, a symbol of honor and by extension right wing cultural ideals around who should be the subjugator and who the subjugated. At the end of the day, Hexerax are the tools that were used to build the Aeressian Empire but are nothing more than magically efficient weapons used for oppressing people with overwhelming violence.

[Susan Yancey]

First Assignment: Story Statement

Detective McAllister enlists the help of Dr. Kem Hunter, a forensic psychologist, to track down and bring justice to a serial killer that is targeting a specific family type.

Second Assignment: Sketch my antagonist

James Martin played second fiddle to his mother after his new baby brother was born. His father abandoned the family, and with each passing day his pent up hate and anger towards his mother and the baby was building. Until one day he had enough... Eleven-year old James Martin was found outside his burning home after his mother had been brutally murdered. He watched in horror as his baby brother was saved by a "hero" passing by.  James is hidden in the bushes full of rage at the sight of his brother being saved. When the authorities find him they were uncertain if he was a fortuitous victim or the perpetrator of the heinous crime. With no living relatives and the inability to speak, James was placed in the DeJarnette Sanitarium.James remained there until his escape at the age of seventeen. His whereabouts to this day, are still unknown...

What happens when the fickle winds of fate deliver a serial killer to your doorstep?

What happens when the very thing you are striving for after is just too close to catch?

Third Assignment: Book Title(s)

Striving After Wind is based on Ecclesiastes 1:14 and the meaning that it invokes:

-pursuing wisdom and the understanding of madness and folly

-rewarding oneself with pleasure

-thinking one can control the outcome of their lives/and others

-seeking immortality/trying to make a lasting name for oneself

Fourth Assignment: Comparables-who compares to you and why?

• Red Dragon-Thomas Harris
• When the Bough Breaks-Jonathan Kellerman

Both of these authors have written psychological thrilling stories with well developed characters. There are psychological factions in both books that relate to the antagonists childhood trauma that ultimately created the monsters they become.

Fifth Assignment: Hook Line 

Everyone is a suspect, and no one is presumed innocent as a savage serial killer targets the most vulnerable of families. The only truth is that all involved are striving after wind.

Sixth Assignment: a) sketch conditions for the inner conflict of my protagonist(s) b) sketch hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment 

-Detective McAllister, believing she does not have the experience with serial killers asks for help from forensic psychologist (Dr. Hunter)

-Detective McAllister is forced to look at associates as possible suspects, including her new love interest 

-Catherine (a psychologist) who has been helpful to the police in the past, and worked with Detective McAllister is now having to deal with her husband being a person on interest in the serial killings due to his best selling book that  mirrors the crimes.

Secondary Conflict

-Catherine's desire to help in the murder investigation to clear her husbands name is repeatedly told to stay away from the investigation by Detective McAllister 

-Catherine's past relationship as a graduate student with her professor Dr. Hunter, who is now helping Detective McAllister with the investigation. How far does she go to insert herself in the investigation? What rules is she willing to bend/break?

Seventh Assignment: sketch out settings

Prologue: The book begins with a young James Martin who brutally kills his mother, attempts to kill his baby brother, and sets his house on fire.

Thirty Years Later: A young graduate student, Catherine, is listening to her professor, Dr. Hunter, at the University of Virginia lecturing about a case of a young boy with elective mutism, that potentially killed his mother.

Modern Day: Catherine had relayed the story of James Martin to her husband who writes a best selling book based on the case study.

The setting is based in Fairfax County Virgina and each chapter is set from the perspective of Detective McAllister, Catherine, and the Killer

 

[Denise H]

Assignment 1: Story Statement:

Get justice for her murdered friend and stop the unethical genetic experimentation.

Assignment 2: THE ANTAGONIST

Madeleine Stanford -

The only non-physician member of the Higher Health Commission, Madeleine was a nurse by training, an administrator by experience and a natural born bitch-in-charge. Her ultra-wealthy father couldn’t produce a male heir so he reared Madeleine with the discipline he would have given a son, minus the love and pride he would have bestowed upon a boy. She was probably the only nurse in existence who could stand up to a roomful of opinionated doctors. She was motivated by a need to please her father and a desire to honor a long dead mother.  

They had given her the nickname Nurse Prada aka Miranda Priestly from the Devil Wears Prada because of her sophisticated appearance and hard nose approach. Madeleine was a self-described patriot who wore a façade of social concern but this was insufficient to veil her true self from the right set of eyes. She knew she was smarter and more savvy than any of the physicians and proved this by controlling them. Her sense of order was disturbed by Erin's presence on the Higher Health Commission. How dare this young black southern girl, barely a doctor, question her authority?

Assignment 3: Break Out title

Her Naïve Ambitions: An Erin St. Clair Medical Suspense

Their Petty Pace: An Erin St. Clair Medical Thriller

Delusions of Grandeur: An Erin St. Clair Medical Suspense

Assignment 4: COMPARABLES

Shonda Rhimes' characters set within a Michael Palmer plot.

Or

Fatal Intent by Tammy Euliano; Last Patient of the Night by Gary Gerlacher;  Dead Already by Mike Krentz

Assignment 5: Core Wound and Primary Conflict

Seeking academic success, Dr. Erin St. Clair has blindly modeled the behavior of her mentor and beloved friend, Professor Mildred Richards while discarding love and principle in the process. When a heavily pregnant Millie is killed execution-style, getting justice means exposing a web of secrets that would cost Erin everything, including her life.

OR

Overlooked and underestimated most of her life, Dr. Erin St. Clair has blindly modeled the behavior of her beloved mentor, Professor Mildred Richards to achieve academic success. When this heavily pregnant friend is murdered, getting justice means exposing a web of secrets that would destroy everything Erin’s worked so hard to build.

Assignment 6: Scenario of inner conflict and secondary conflict

Primary Conflict

Erin became a doctor because it proved she was smart, a surgeon because it was what the best of the best chose, and academics because this was the pursuit of the intellectuals. She had fallen into the trap of chasing success, as defined by others. Thus she found herself following the unwritten rules: Don't rat out your colleagues and uphold the façade of medicine being a noble profession. She is frustrated with the conflicting messages: the public ones- first do no harm & patients first vs the private ones- go along to get along, don't upset the apple cart, don't question your superiors, and be a team player at all cost. Being a powerless trainee, she has no choice but to comply.

Erin's deep seated sense of inadequacy has driven her to prove others wrong. She wants to feel worthy and admires Millie so much that she models her behavior. She's felt rejected all her life but Millie accepts her. She latches onto her mentor, Professor Mildred Richards, who shows her a path to success while maintaining a degree of integrity. When Millie is killed and no one seems to care about getting justice, Erin sets out to discover why but this leads to a web of lies that if revealed would destroy Millie's legacy and Erin's career.

Secondary Conflict

Erin falls hard for Wesley Sey during her third year of medical school but her feelings for him terrifies her. She's afraid she will end up like her mom who experienced a psychiatric break down when Erin's father was killed. She was never the same and later committed suicide. Erin refuses to pay this price. Thus she subconsciously sabotages their relationship and then is deeply hurt when he leaves the country without saying a word. Now Wes is back and she immediately realizes her feelings haven't changed. She tries to stay away from him but could use his investigative skills to find out who murdered Millie. Although she can’t trust him with her heart, he's the only person she can trust to unearth the truth.

Assignment 7: Setting

A contemporary setting within the backdrop of an academic medical center in Baltimore. The Higher Health Commission (HHC), the brain child of Dr. Mildred Richards, into a consulting firm with three arms: advocacy, research & quality improvement. It's goal is to address the dysfunction of the health care system and to drive innovation. The business focuses on inefficiencies & inequities, pushes the implementation of evidence-based medicine and looks for opportunities to drive revenue.

It's objective is to address system issues by serving as consultants to healthcare entities across the country. The HHC has a contract with the government which was approved by the Secretary of Health, but the entity is accountable to a Senate oversight committee and financed primarily by a grateful billionaire.

The initial reason for forming the company was to push genetic editing technology through it's sponsorship of the Center for Reproductive Health (CRH) however the firm became far more successful than expected. This brought increased visibility, gave the company a voice in federal policy, and garnered many more partnerships than Millie anticipated.

The HHC puts out their priorities at the beginning of their fiscal year, March 1. Millie wanted Maternal Health to be a top priority but after her sudden death, Madeleine changes this to a primary care prevention agenda. Erin argues they should honor Millie's wish. Millie and Madeleine had previously put forward a Universal Health Care  proposal which would eliminate the private insurance companies and had a preimplantation genetics testing proposal attached to bill.

Madeleine uses the HHC as her front for a private organization, Patriots for an Exceptional America (PEA). She supports Millie's agenda in exchange for Millie supporting her efforts. The PEA's agenda is vast but Madeleine's branch is focused on homegrown excellence through genetics. They are angered by the idea that much of their intellectual talent comes from immigrants. Their eugenics agenda is geared towards select families who want and are agreeable to accepting genetically manipulated embryos: wealthy or poor families. Those in need are given the financial support to make their dreams come true: talented kids with the resources to support the entire family.

[Maureen Valerie Hummel]

Assignment# 1: STORY STATEMENT 

Chosen is the story of how a family of women, ranging in severity of criminal activity, were able to manipulate their existence through magic, lies and deceit – including waking up the dead – to get what they want, in order to survive in a man’s world. 

Assignment# 2: THE ANTAGONIST 

Sally is a tormented, and discarded individual ,who due to her physical disabilities and dark personality is shunned by her own family. Sent away as a teenager to live in an assisted living center, she is able to hone on her powers of using mind control, to destroy the lives of her so-called enemies. This "gift" which she inherited from her mother Paula (second antagonist), whose abilities to curse her adversaries, is in no way comparable to the magnitude of damage that Sally is able to conflict. Upon her return home, the two join forces to detonate the lives of Mary, (Sally’s aunt), and her cousins; primarily Mary's eldest daughter Grace, the young lady whose decisions changes the trajectory of their existence for decades to come, and generational curses and torment to follow, by Sally’s primary target being redirected from Grace to her daughter Marina.  

Assignment# 3: THE TITLE 

Chosen 

Discarded 

To What Avail 

Unveiling the Masks of a Murderous Coven 

Assignment# 4: COMPARABLE GENRES 

It is a combination of a few different genres in both television, movies and books: 

#1: “Mad Men” (the series) meets “Marvellous Mrs. Maisel” (the series), in respect of the era and the strong women protagonists in the story, fighting for survival in a male dominated world, of the decades where women were considered less than. 

#2: “The Twilight Zone” with a cross over into the revelations of “The Truman Show”, in regards to the unveiling of all the coverups and finding out that all were involved in hiding and distorting Marina’s reality throughout her entire life, and her mother Grace, is a complete stranger to her. 

In reference to novels, comparisons of my novel would be to the constant confusion through investigative journaling, that is portrayed in the book, “Verity”, written by Colleen Hoover, crossing over with the eerie coincidental accidents, and losses in love, fortune and faith depicted in the novel “Rosemary’s Baby” by Ira Levin. 

This leads the Genre of my Novel, to fall into the category of Women’s literature with depictions of Romance, Fantasy and Mystery connotations. The novel, displays how distorted and obsessive love leads to mysterious events to occur due to envy and jealousy, including murder, kidnapping and crimes against humanity.  

Assignment# 5: LOGLINE 

A young girl falls victim to circumstances of obsession and jealousy which leads to her losing everything of importance quicker than she had gained it, as her life was controlled by a demonic coven of evil family members. 

Assignment# 6: CONFLICT LEVELS 

A poor family who are left destitute, while the head of their family is away working out at sea for months at a time, are targeted by their own family members, who “sell” them off to a senior citizen who becomes obsessed with the protagonist, Grace. This young family, even before Grace’s birth, were victims of curses placed on them, by her own aunt Paula’s jealousy and greed. However, Paula’s abilities didn’t hold a candle to that of her daughter Sally, who’s curses were not only more severe, but deadly. Her jealousy, honed onto Grace, was detrimental to the fate of future generations. A young teenage Grace, in a moment in time fell in love and became pregnant by an obsessive 66 year old man with skeletons in his closet, just to have not only her baby stolen from her, but forced to spend the rest of her life referring to her daughter as her sister, while being dragged away to a foreign country to start her life over, without her child, in order to keep those skeletons hidden.

The secrets, portrayed by her parents and siblings, takes its toll on Grace, who eventually allows herself to move on, find love again, and start a new family, but that path was filled with pain, loss and turmoil, causing her past trauma to always resurface. Curses placed upon her became more intense, effecting her chances of carrying children to term, with multiple losses, until finally she gives birth to a fighter, Marina, the Chosen one. This child survives generational curses for decades, all the while Grace hides in secret, not allowing the true reason she knows both Marina, and her other child endure pain, and strains of bad luck their entire life, as her spirit is too weak to face the truth and protect her unsuspecting children, who have lived their entire lives in the dark, not knowing what they were fighting against.

Marina, unlike her mother, faces the truth head on when it becomes revealed to her, through the many mishaps that occur. Marina’s investigation into her mother’s family, whom she realized after it was too late, had been targeting her and her sister their entire lives; stealing, murdering, cursing their marriages, wombs and stability, until finally it comes to a head, when Marina finds out the truth about her sister Nina, and realizes that she is behind all the spiritual attacks meant to kill her. Nina, after being raised to believe she was abandoned by her real mother, and replaced by Marina, makes it her mission to destroy the facade of a happy little family Grace built, in a foreign country while forgetting her firstborn. This of course, is enforced by our antagonist, Sally, the murderous coven leader witch, with powers that betray human physics and psychology. She is summoned by the devil himself to destroy anything good in this world, and succeeds in painful exploitation for decades with no chance of recourse. That is, until now!  

Assignment# 7: SETTINGS 

The story is set on the tiny island of Gozo, in one of the local villages, on the hill top, with views that expand out to the open sea from one side of the island, and the other to the neighboring islands of Malta and Comino. The settings primarily take place in the homes of the antagonist, the protagonist and the village square for the first half of the novel, and flips between the village and the protagonist and her family’s multiple homes in Toronto, Canada, for the second half of the story. 

Description of main scene locations: 

The antagonist (Sally and Paula) has an aristocrat home, decorated in furniture from the 40s, dated yet still relevantly regal for the mid 60’s era. The home is where a lot of dramatic twists of fate occur, including the meeting place where an obsession begins; murders occur; plans are hatched and curses are performed in front of multiple altars, in a darkened, secretive basement that holds all of Sally’s demonic secrets and lies 

The protagonist’s (Grace and Mary) home belongs to the entitled aristocrat, Joey Watt. It's location wields its own story of riches and rise to great wealth and power. It is set in the heart of the village square, across from the central Cathedral and has been completely renovated to allow the modern 1963 feel, lament throughout the entire home. The stair case is one of the feature attractions of the lovely home, with granite stairs and a rod iron staircase that boasts the intricacy of the riches of the single male owner, who’s entitlement in life is foreshadowed throughout his decor and lavish lifestyle and corrupt use of power behind its closed doors. 

The second half of the story, is still set in the village, however most of the characters have migrated to Toronto, Canada. The story pivots locations as each chapter unveils another advancement into the revelation of the hidden truths of what occurred in the demonic days of the sixties, and brings us eventually to present day, where the story will lead the protagonist and her children back to the island to witness the incarceration of most of her enemies and deaths of others.

 

[Gloria Kohl]

THE ACT OF STORY STATEMENT:

Do whatever it takes to save Tenora and Earth from climate extinction.

THE ANTAGONIST PLOTS THE POINT

Hexley, a scientific genius, was never granted the opportunity by his home planet, Tenora, to become the breakout star he has always believed he is. Realizing that Tenora would never allow him to lead the governing Council, even after bioengineering the first Water Carrier to transport Earth’s water to his drought- and disease-ravaged planet, he chose exile to Earth rather than endure ongoing humiliation and rejection. In his thirty-five years on Earth, he has amassed a trillion-dollar fortune by controlling the planet’s water purification and distribution systems; yet, he has never relinquished his obsession with avenging his exile. Now, he has developed the means to end Tenora’s water missions to Earth and will hold Earth’s water hostage until Tenora’s Council begs him to return as their true leader. Only then will he allow Tenora’s planet-saving water missions to resume. 

Only Hexley’s beloved adult daughter Geri, born on Earth without knowledge of Tenora, can temper his hunger for revenge. Soon, he’ll tell Geri that she’s Tenoran, even though his wife forbids it, and Geri will return to Tenora with him, understanding and supporting all he has achieved and overcome in his life. However, Geri’s need for independence and her commitment to saving climate-challenged Earth thwarts Hexley’s idealistic and unattainable dreams for their relationship, leading him to disinherit her. Geri’s estrangement emotionally complicates and exasperates Hexley’s megalomaniacal obsession with revenge. With mounting grief and despair over losing his daughter fueling his world-ending destructive powers, he will destroy Earth and Tenora if he is not stopped.   

THE BREAKOUT TITLE

THE WATER CARRIERS – The three main characters, in addition to the bio-engineered Water Carriers, can be interpreted as water carriers.

HERE, NOT HERE – The origin of Ari’s wisdom that saves the day.

A TOUCH AT THE END OF THE WORLD – The origin of Ari’s transformative powers that saves the day.

GENRE AND COMPARABLES    

Genre: Speculative and Climate Fiction, Literary

Emily St. John Mandel’s Station Eleven’s genre-bending literary science fiction meets Sequoia Nagamatsu‘s How High We Go In The Dark’s, multiple viewpoints, futuristic technology, multi-generational grief and grievance, love, and hope for the future.

CORE WOUND AND THE PRIMARY CONFLICT

When a precocious nineteen-year-old female scientist—raised on Earth but from climate-ravaged Tenora—survives the invasion of her family’s compound in Africa’s Nubian Desert, she is forced to return to Tenora, and in a race against time and climate change must gain the scientific acumen and prescience to stop the destruction of her planet and Earth by the richest man who’s ever lived.

 

OTHER MATTERS OF CONFLICT 

PRIMARY:

Ari must choose what is good for the many and prioritize the survival of Earth and Tenora over her own desires.  At the outset, her mother tasks her with successfully pixilating into deep space from Earth to prepare for a return to Tenora, her planet of origin. Moments before this latest deep space attempt, her mother warns her that if she fails again, she and her parents will soon die on Earth. Ari’s primary ambition has been to remain on Earth and help save it by studying fusion at one of the world’s best schools. She also wants to learn how to be one of many experiencing the world, but her mother’s words force her to confront a greater responsibility. Ongoing challenges to choose the greater good over her personal needs are the rungs of the ladder Ari must continue to climb, as the stakes for the survival of both worlds keep rising with her.

SECONDARY:

Midway through the story, Ari faces the dilemma of either remaining committed to her mission of stopping Hexley and the secrecy it entails, or being honest with Rabia, her first love, whom she meets on Tenora. She fears that holding back from Rabia may lead to losing her, and ultimately, she does lose her. Months later, Rabia, who has been hiding her own truths, is murdered, plunging Ari into an even deeper conflict as she grapples with all the signs she likely missed regarding Rabia’s situation while being consumed by her own turmoil—signs that could have potentially saved Rabia.

THE INCREDIBLE IMPORTANCE OF SETTING

Ari sits on a desert dune, sifting sand and watching an egg-eater snake. The physics of the heat waves rising against the vast desert horizon intrigues her mind and rekindles her yearning for a life with peers, tackling scientific problems not of her own making, experiencing snow, winter sports, new foods, and a vibrant life away from her family’s desert compound. Later, in her workshop in the industrial research hangar, Ari works on her pixilation suit: millions of micro-organisms acting as a refraction layer against the radiation from space. Monitors, servers, spectroscopes, chests of parts, and plasma chambers represent some of the environments she thrives in and uses to operate the water and solar energy generation systems for the family’s drought-resistant seed farm. A flashing light signifying a system failure drives Ari to the massive water and solar energy fields. Ari spots her mother walking in the distance, her flowing white linens in the foreground, their home carved into ancient stone in the background. Ari thinks the scene could be from a science-fiction movie, except she and her family really are aliens. Later, at dinner and in her bedroom, Ari learns and worries about her pixilation now scheduled for tomorrow. With her parents standing by, Ari departs from the pixilation desert plateau, undergoing mind-blowing sensations of tearing apart, color, energy, motion, sound, absolute silence, and millions of atomic replicas of herself moving near the speed of light, climaxing with her mother’s voice calling her name in the star-filled rapture of space.

Geri Hexley gazes out the window of her family’s luxuriously appointed jet, featuring an Albers painting embedded in an ebony and glass cabin divider. As she travels through a sea of white storm clouds, she contemplates the storm that her news that she won’t be joining Hexley Enterprises will unleash in the Manor House below. Beneath the clouds, she sees the ten-thousand-acre estate, and suddenly, her father’s new city, Hexley City, appears as if from nowhere. Observing it from five thousand feet, she learns from the family pilot that it is home to HexLink and other mysterious enterprises, possibly related to space travel. In a silent, driverless air car gliding along the Shenandoah foothills, Geri finally reaches the guard gatehouse. She then follows the mile-long approach to the house, passing horses grazing in pastures and dense forests beyond. Ultimately, she arrives at the motor court, where a towering water-woman sculpture stands at the center. With head uplifted to the sky, her wide-spread arms drip water into the basin below. Inside the home’s pristine, shiny marble interior, Geri averts her gaze from famous art pieces that adorn the museum-like walls and atriums. In her suite of rooms, she notices a new black material has replaced her desktop, and later at the formally dressed dining table with her family, she sees the same dark material above the table, hovering like a horizontally suspended monolith.  

Hexley swims in his enclosed Olympic pool struggling to find a rhythm to his stroke. Thwarted by thoughts of his daughter’s arrival and the portentous announcement she will be making, he swallows water, hoists himself from the pool, and naked retreats to the sauna and shower rooms. In his steaming hot shower, he imagines his life on Tenora as a boy in that dark apartment with his father’s large presence filling the small space and the dirty pan of water in the corner for washing, used by all his family, always his turn coming last. He imagines his father standing in front of him in the shower, and he is choking him, but this time the man won’t die.  

These settings are all within the first thirty pages of the novel. 

Ari’s additional locations include Tenora’s completely enclosed capital city, Trosi, along with its several beige, sandstone dominant plazas, water and climbing simulations, a minimalist flat each room with its air cleaning arboretum built into the walls, the last aquifer, a hospital room, and a Scout training and research center. Then there’s Patagonia, featuring its mountains, forests, a small village’s dirt street, and a single, dangling-from-the-ceiling light bulb hotel room. Finally, there are various interiors of New York City, plus the Statue of Liberty, and the Oculus. 

Geri’s additional locations encompass her townhome and Ana’s brownstone in Cambridge, MA, as well as the post-Civil War streets of Khartoum, Khartoum’s Corinthia Hotel, the war-ravaged park along the Nile, the interior and exterior of Al-Nilin Mosque, Omdurman market, the refinery site in Northern Khartoum, Geri’s spartan living quarters there, and the interiors of her advanced technology production site. Lastly, when Geri travels to New York, she will visit a Long Island nouveau-riche south shore home and various interior and exterior sites in NYC. 

Hexley’s locations include his oversized bedroom and his study, which features floor-to-vaulted-ceiling bookcases filled with first editions; the corridors, suspended glass walkways, pixilation chambers and cages of Hexley’s underground research center, the Dandelion; the forests of Hexley’s estate, which include a new building site in progress with crops, solar power, and cattle, as well as a mid-completion full site enclosure; the interiors of HexLink with the Water Ships; and the immense production and assembly site in Hexley City, as viewed from Hexley’s private viewing room, The Aerie.
 

[Kaeyllane Dias]

Hi everyone,

My name is Kaeyllane, and I’m excited to submit my assignments for the Write to Pitch Conference Forum. Not Guilty is a novel that intertwines two storylines across two decades, exploring the resilience of an immigrant woman navigating both a fractured marriage and a broken system. Below are my responses to all seven assignments.

I look forward to any feedback and appreciate the opportunity to share my work.

Pre-event Assignments

FIRST ASSIGNMENT: write your story statement.

Bia Castro must navigate the treacherous waters of post-9/11 immigration policies, a deteriorating marriage, and her own sense of self-worth as she fights for legal residency in the United States. Caught between duty and desire, she must break free from an oppressive marriage, reclaim her independence, and fight for the right to call America home.

 

SECOND ASSIGNMENT: in 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them.

Caio is Bia’s husband, a man who once seemed like her partner in building a life in the U.S., but who gradually becomes a force of control, manipulation, and stagnation. In Brazil, he was a trained nursing technician, ambitious despite limited opportunities. But in America, his lack of legal status and unwillingness to adapt slowly curdled into resentment, turning him into a passive yet suffocating presence in their small basement apartment on the foggy shores of Nantucket. While he insists he cannot work without papers, he has no issue with Bia toiling long hours as an undocumented dishwasher at The Gray Lady Tavern.
Caio is not a villain in the traditional sense—he does not set out to destroy Bia, but he cannot bear to lose control of her. His insecurities fester into manipulation, subtly reinforcing the idea that Bia owes him for their sacrifices. His disapproval begins with sighs and silences but curdles into gaslighting and possessiveness as she seeks independence. Isolating himself in online escapism and pornography, he erodes their relationship until their home feels more like a trap than a refuge.
Like the immigration system that keeps Bia in limbo, Caio demands patience and sacrifice while offering nothing in return. When she finally sees a way out, his resistance escalates into an explosive confrontation, forcing her to choose between guilt and freedom.

 

THIRD ASSIGNMENT: create a breakout title (list several options, not more than three, and revisit to edit as needed).

Not Guilty
The Weight of Waiting
No Further Questions

 

FOURTH ASSIGNMENT: - Read this NWOE article on comparables then return here.  Develop two smart comparables for your novel. This is a good opportunity to immerse yourself in your chosen genre. Who compares to you? And why?

Comparable Titles for Not Guilty

1. The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson
 Wilkerson’s nonfiction masterpiece explores the Great Migration of Black Americans, chronicling personal stories of those seeking a better life while navigating systemic racism and cultural displacement. While Not Guilty is fiction, it similarly centers on an immigrant’s struggle to find a place to belong in America while dealing with bureaucratic obstacles, identity crises, and personal hardship. Both books highlight the weight of waiting, longing, and sacrifice, showing how immigration—whether internal or international—reshapes lives.

2. A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum
 Rum’s novel follows three generations of Palestinian-American women trapped in a cycle of cultural expectation and oppression, much like Bia in Not Guilty. The protagonist struggles between duty to family and personal freedom, mirroring Bia’s dilemma with her toxic marriage and the pressures of remaining in a familiar yet suffocating life. Both books explore gaslighting, patriarchal constraints, and the quiet yet devastating ways women’s autonomy is suppressed—whether through familial obligation or an immigration system that keeps them in limbo.

How Not Guilty Is Different:
Unlike The Warmth of Other Suns, which is historical nonfiction, Not Guilty is a contemporary novel that focuses on post-9/11 immigration policies and the immediate consequences of living undocumented in America. It is also more personal and intimate, centering on one woman’s journey rather than a collective migration.
Compared to A Woman Is No Man, Not Guilty has a different cultural backdrop—while both feature women fighting for independence, Bia’s story uniquely highlights the Brazilian immigrant experience, where economic pressures, bureaucratic stagnation, and cultural expectations collide in a deeply personal way. Not Guilty also intertwines legal obstacles with emotional ones, making the stakes of Bia’s escape not just about personal growth but her very right to exist in America legally.

 

FIFTH ASSIGNMENT: write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound following the format above. Though you may not have one now, keep in mind this is a great developmental tool. In other words, you best begin focusing on this if you're serious about commercial publication.

Hook Line (Logline) for Not Guilty
In the aftermath of 9/11, Bia, a hopeful Brazilian immigrant on the isolated shores of Nantucket, battles an increasingly hostile U.S. immigration system and a toxic marriage that threatens to consume her. Two decades later, now an immigrant rights advocate, she fights a new enemy—AI-driven surveillance at the U.S.-Mexico border—armed with the hard-won strength of a past that once tried to silence her.

Core Wound and Primary Conflict
Core Wound: Bia has spent her life waiting—waiting for a visa, waiting for her marriage to heal, waiting for the system to recognize her humanity. Fear of instability and the unknown keeps her trapped in both an immigration limbo and a toxic marriage, even as she yearns for agency over her own life.

Primary Dramatic Conflict
External Conflict: In 2001, Bia battles a post-9/11 immigration system that is increasingly built on fear and bureaucratic dead ends, forcing her to remain in a precarious, undocumented existence. Meanwhile, her marriage becomes its own prison, as her husband isolates and manipulates her.
Secondary Conflict: In 2025, as an immigration advocate, Bia faces a new kind of injustice: an AI-driven border control system that labels human lives as risks based on unseen biases. As she works to expose the system’s flaws, she finds herself confronting the same questions she once asked herself: Who gets to belong? Who gets to be free?
Internal Conflict: While Bia fights for others, she must also reckon with the ways in which she has never fully fought for herself. Her advocacy forces her to confront the truth—real freedom is not granted, it is taken.

 

SIXTH ASSIGNMENT: sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction.  Next, likewise sketch a hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment. Will this involve family? Friends? Associates? What is the nature of it?

Inner Conflict: Bia’s Struggle with Fear and Agency

Conditions for Inner Conflict:  Bia’s life has been shaped by waiting—waiting for legal status, waiting for her marriage to improve, waiting for external permission to take control of her life. Her fear of instability and the unknown has kept her trapped in limbo, both in her immigration status and in her toxic marriage. Even as she gains the power to help others, she struggles with the deep-seated belief that she is still powerless over her own life. The internal battle between passivity and agency is a defining force in her arc.

Hypothetical Scenario:  One night, after another exhausting shift at The Gray Lady Tavern, Bia lingers in the car outside her basement apartment. The island is quiet, the night air thick with the scent of salt and damp pavement. She could leave. Right now. She could walk to the docks, take the first ferry off Nantucket, and never come back.   The thought is intoxicating. A fresh start. A life where she doesn’t have to answer to Caio’s moods, where she can breathe without feeling watched.   But then reality sets in. Where would she go? The mainland is just a ferry ride away, but after that? She has no family here, no friends she can burden. Her visa status is still pending, her savings too thin. Would Caio look for her? Would he make her pay for leaving?  Her hands tremble as she grips the steering wheel. She imagines stepping inside the apartment, pretending everything is fine, convincing herself—again—that she’ll leave when the time is right.
She exhales, shoulders sinking under the weight of her own hesitation. Then she does what she always does—she goes inside.  But as she climbs into bed the question lingers: What if she had just walked to the ferry?

In 2025, Bia is now an advocate, standing before a crowd of reporters exposing the injustices of AI-driven surveillance at the U.S.-Mexico border. The system she fights against echoes the control that once ruled her life. But when a former client—someone she once helped—asks her if she is finally free from her own past, Bia hesitates. The world sees her as powerful now, yet inside, she still feels the ghost of that powerless girl from two decades ago. The realization is a gut-punch: Can she fight for others if she’s still trapped in her own fears?

Secondary Conflict: Bia vs. the Social Environment

Nature of the Social Conflict:  Bia’s journey is deeply entangled in societal power structures—immigration policies, gender expectations, and AI-driven surveillance. But beyond these, her interpersonal relationships play a crucial role in her struggle. Her secondary conflict is with the immigrant community itself, where many believe survival means assimilation, silence, and submission to the system rather than challenging it.
Hypothetical Scenario:  While investigating Facility 17’s AI-driven immigration surveillance in 2025, Bia meets Alicia, a fellow immigrant who now works for the very system that once detained her. Alicia insists that AI is "just a tool" and that the real enemy is the broken human bureaucracy behind it. Bia, who has seen firsthand how these algorithms reinforce racial and cultural biases, clashes with Alicia’s pragmatic stance.  The argument escalates when Alicia warns her: "You're making enemies, Bia. The system won’t change for you. It never does."   Bia counters: "Then why do we let it bury us alive?"  This confrontation forces Bia to reflect on her approach: Is she fighting smartly, or is her rage making her reckless? And what happens when people from her own community, who once supported her, now see her as a disruptor instead of a savior?

 

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: sketch out your setting in detail. What makes it interesting enough, scene by scene, to allow for uniqueness and cinema in your narrative and story? Please don't simply repeat what you already have which may well be too quiet. You can change it. That's why you're here! Start now. Imagination is your best friend, and be aggressive with it.

Setting Sketch for Not Guilty
The settings in Not Guilty span across two decades, from 2001 to 2025, through two intertwining storylines that reflect the evolution of Bia’s journey from an undocumented immigrant to a fierce advocate for immigrant rights. The locations serve as more than just a backdrop; they actively shape her struggles, her resilience, and her ultimate transformation.

New York City, 2001 – A Glimpse of Possibility
Description: Bia arrives in the U.S. for the second time, staying briefly with her brother Nico and his partner Seb. The city’s towering skyline, the chaotic energy of Manhattan, and Nico’s favorite Brooklyn haunts momentarily make her feel like she belongs.
Narrative Significance: This setting offers a false sense of security—a promising welcome before she is thrust into the stark realities of immigrant survival.

Nantucket, Massachusetts (2001–2005) – The Island of Isolation
Description: Nantucket, with its fog-laden harbor, cobblestone streets, and gray-shingled homes, becomes both a place of refuge and confinement.
Key Locations:
Basement Apartment – Small, damp, and dimly lit, reflecting Bia’s entrapment in both her marriage and immigration limbo.
The Gray Lady Tavern – The restaurant kitchen, where she toils as a dishwasher, surrounded by clattering plates, steam, and the sharp orders of the chef, Russ. Work is relentless, yet it gives her a sense of independence.
Millionaire Mansions – Bia and her friend Leia clean the grand homes of Nantucket’s elite, an ironic contrast to her own precarious existence.
Jetties Beach & The Harbor – Places where Bia contemplates escape, the ever-present gray waves echoing her uncertainty.
Narrative Significance: Nantucket, beautiful yet isolating, mirrors Bia’s own invisible status in America, setting the stage for her inner conflict—to endure or to fight back.

Plymouth, Massachusetts (September 2001) – A Nation in Fear
Description: Just days before 9/11, Bia and Caio visit Plymouth, tracing the historical footprints of the Pilgrims. They walk through Plymouth Rock, Mayflower II, and Wampanoag sites, reflecting on the contradictions of American history and immigration.
Narrative Significance: When the attacks on the Twin Towers unfold, Bia is overwhelmed with worry for Nico and Seb, trapped in NYC. The national mood shifts overnight—fear breeds xenophobia. A man in a truck shouts, "Go home! You’re destroying my country!"—in the very land where European immigrants claimed a home centuries ago.  This moment marks a pivotal shift—Bia realizes that America’s promise is conditional, and the system is designed to keep people like her out.

Boston Immigration Office (2003) – The Breaking Point
Description: A cold, impersonal waiting room, filled with other immigrants clutching documents, their futures uncertain. Fluorescent lights buzz overhead, the tension palpable in every anxious breath.
Narrative Significance: The immigration meeting pushes Bia to a breaking point. Her marriage is over, yet the system still ties her fate to Caio. This setting marks the beginning of her independence, even if the legal process remains an uphill battle.

Ellis Island & Brooklyn Bridge, New York City (2005) – A Full-Circle Reckoning 
Description: With her green card finally secured, Bia returns to New York with Leia and Shelby, reuniting with Nico and Seb. This trip is a celebration, but also a moment of deep reflection.
Key Locations:
Ellis Island – She runs her fingers over the Immigrant Wall of Honor, feeling a visceral connection to those who came before her.
Brooklyn Bridge – As she walks across, she sees two New Yorks—the one she first arrived in, and the one she stands in now.

Narrative Significance: Bia finally owns her presence in America, standing where millions of immigrants before her took their first steps toward freedom and uncertainty. Unbeknownst to her, this trip also marks another quiet turning point—it is here that she first meets Dante Rios, a musician whose presence barely registers in the moment but will later become intertwined with her future. In 2025, she will be called Mrs. Rios, though her marriage to Dante is never detailed in the novel. Years later, he will stand beside her at the U.S.-Mexico border, as the person who chose to walk with her.

Facility 17, U.S.-Mexico Border (2025) – The New Face of Injustice
Description: A high-tech immigration detention center, where AI-driven algorithms determine the fate of asylum seekers before a human ever hears their case. Surveillance drones patrol overhead, scanning faces, analyzing "threat levels" in seconds.
Narrative Significance: Bia, now an immigrant rights advocate, investigates the human cost of technology-powered exclusion. This setting is a reflection of her past struggles, now weaponized against a new generation of immigrants.

Conclusion: Setting as a Mirror of Bia’s Transformation
Each location in Not Guilty serves as a symbolic reflection of Bia’s journey. From the fog of Nantucket to the cold walls of immigration offices, from Ellis Island’s legacy to the AI-policed borders of the future, these settings are more than places—they are the battlegrounds where Bia reclaims her voice and her power.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I appreciate the chance to participate in this forum and look forward to learning from everyone’s feedback.

[EditorAdmin]

.

[Sarah Wronko]

1.    Story statement:

In A.D. 66, the city of Jerusalem stood before Rome’s rising terror and destruction, as other powers from within the city’s gates sought to destroy the Jewish freedom fighters. Berenice, a Jewish princess, must find a way to save her people from the certain doom that awaits them as the Jewish rebellion against Rome begins. Straddled between her countrymen and the Roman aristocrats, Berenice plays a seductive game of cat-and-mouse as she desperately tries to save Jerusalem. Diklah, a man haunted by the murder of his father and conflicted by his new identity as a sicarii warrior, must face the consequences of the blood that is now on his hands, while deciding how far he will go to avenge his family against Rome’s fury. Sheva, a spirited young Jewish girl must find the strength to overcome her father’s abuse. But when Sheva makes a crucial decision to follow her heart instead of being the dutiful daughter, events are set in motion that will test her love and loyalties. Three lives collide in an epic survival as the onslaught of the Roman empire seeks total control and ultimately genocide. 

As chaos engulfs Jerusalem, princess Bernice is torn apart by her love for two men and her love for her land that is kindled for destruction. As Sheva, Berenice, and Diklah’s loyalties clash with their desperate fight for freedom their lives will never be the same. Led by Vespasian, the war machine of the Roman Empire captures Judea, Jerusalem falls and the Second Temple is destroyed. However, 957 souls have taken refuge at the fortress of Masada. In the historic, brutal siege, Diklah, Sheva, and Berenice must confront the violent realities of survival and sacrifice, as they are torn between love, loyalty, and the ultimate cost of freedom.

 

2.     In 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them:

My antagonistic force is the Roman Empire, which is a war machine that annihilated Judea in an attempt to wipe out the Jewish people after destroying their temple in hopes the Jews would never rebuild or return to Judea. 

My second antagonistic forces are the Jewish rebels who fought against each other during the Jewish revolt instead of uniting against Rome for a unified effort of war. 

Sheva’s father, Eleazar Ben Yair, is an antagonist who beats his daughter and demands total loyalty from the Jewish rebels. He will ultimately decide the fate of the refugees of Masada.

3.     Create a breakout title (list several options, not more than three, and revisit to edit as needed):

“Child of Masada” "Masada's Child" “Refugees of Masada” “Death Mountain”

4.     Develop two smart comparables for your novel. Who compares to you? And why?

“Mila 18” historical fiction about a Jewish revolt in the Warsaw Ghettos. Mine is about a Jewish revolt against the Romans from three points of view.  "A Voice in the Wind" a Jewish historical fiction that follows a slave girl during A.D. 60. 

5.     Write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound:

Child of Masada is a story of love, betrayal, and survival. Sheva, Diklah, and Berenice will face the ultimate price of freedom and choose their destinies against a rebellion that will reshape their world forever. 

Sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction:

Bernice (Real historical person)

Age: 41

Height: 5’ 7

Black Hair

Dark Brown eyes

She is a lover and had no problem using her looks and charm for advantage or simply pleasure.

She is Titus’ lover and she has others including Shiva’s brother, Arieh. 

Her brother is her only trusted confidante. 

 Background: Bernice is the daughter of King Agrippa, born into the royal family with a lineage rich in history and power. Raised within the opulent confines of the palace, Bernice has always been accustomed to a life of privilege and responsibility. As a member of the royal family, she is well-versed in courtly etiquette, political maneuvering, and the intricacies of maintaining a regal image.

Physical Appearance: Bernice possesses a striking beauty that mirrors the elegance of her royal lineage. Her almond-shaped eyes, the color of deep chestnut, convey a mix of intelligence and curiosity. Her raven-black hair cascades in loose waves, framing a face adorned with high cheekbones and a regal poise. Despite her youthful appearance, there is an air of maturity about her that hints at the weight of her responsibilities.

Personality: While Bernice is accustomed to the grandeur of court life, she is not one to be confined by tradition. She harbors a keen intellect and an insatiable curiosity about the world beyond the palace walls. This inquisitive nature sometimes sets her apart from the rigid expectations of her royal role. Bernice is known for her diplomatic finesse and the ability to navigate the intricate web of court politics with grace.

Bernice is not content to be a mere ornament in the palace; she seeks to be actively involved in matters of governance and policy. She is deeply compassionate, often advocating for the welfare of the people in the kingdom. Bernice is known to be a patron of the arts and sciences, supporting scholars and artists who contribute to the cultural richness of the realm.

Challenges: Despite her skills and ambitions, Bernice faces the challenges of being a woman in a society where traditional gender roles often limit the scope of a woman's influence. Her progressive ideas and desire for active involvement in governance sometimes clash with the conservative views of those around her.

Relationships: While Bernice maintains a respectful relationship with her father, King Agrippa, there are moments of tension and disagreement, as she strives to push the boundaries of her role. Bernice shares a complex dynamic with her siblings and other members of the court, navigating alliances and rivalries with a blend of diplomacy and shrewdness.

Overall, Bernice is a multi-faceted character, embodying the tension between tradition and progress, duty and personal ambition of royal life.

Born into the prominent Herodian family in the first century in Jerusalem, during a time of great political and cultural upheaval. Her father, King Agrippa I, was a key figure in the complex political landscape of the region, holding influence over Judea and other territories under Roman rule. Bernice received an education befitting her royal status. Fluent in multiple languages, well-versed in literature, and skilled in the arts, she stood out as a woman of both beauty and intelligence. Bernice's interests, however, extended beyond the traditional pursuits of noblewomen. She was known for her love of philosophy and discussions about the broader social and political issues of the time. It is at an open air discussion that she first notices Sheva, who is hiding so she can hear the philosophic debates.

 

Character Bio: Sheva Ben Ya’ir 

Sixteen-years-old

5’ 3

Dark Brown wave long hair

Light brown eyes

Beauty mark on her right cheek

She is tough/everyone is always blaming her. A woman out of her time. Quiet anger / loner / admires her brother /  pressing limits / misfits / watchers / reclusive / 

 A jagged scar that runs through her left eye brow up to her scalp from when her father, in a drunken rage threw a rock at her trying to stone her for refusing to accept an arranged marriage. 

She also has a faint burn on the palm of her write hand when village bullies held her hand to the coals after catching her hiding so she could over-hear the lesson (since girls weren’t allowed to be educated). Out of pity, her brother Arieh teaches her to read and sneaks her books. Sheva navigates the complex social, political, and religious landscape of first century Jerusalem with brass intelligence, a headstrong sense of individualism, cunning, and arrogance. 

Her father is the leader of the Zealots. He puts a lot of pressure on her to be a good daughter. She must find her voice and identity in order to stand up to him and break away from his abuse. She is fighting more than Rome and her father. She is fighting her own demons that tell her she isn’t enough. She must win the war within as well as survive the war from without. 

 

Diklah.

Height 5’ 9

Eyes: light brown

Hair: black

Mother: Mara

Father: Eli

Descendent of the Maccabees; dedicated his life to violence. Zionist. Only child to his mother. Father died by Roman hands. 

Hates the Romans and any Jew he feels is to collaborate with the Romans. Bitterly jealous of Arieh; in love with Bernice who won’t pay him any attention. Ignores Sheva and views her as an annoying child, but doesn’t show it. He isn’t genuine. Arieh is Bernice’s lover and Diklah hopes to use his connection with Arieh to be close to Bernice somehow, but Bernice sees right through his façade. Arieh still views Diklah as the fun loving adventures best friend of their youth. Arieh’s good nature and optimism, blinds him to the black heart forming in Diklah. 

Diklah, in his frustration with having no power, decides to join the Sicarii. This allows him to express his violent tendencies. He eventually becomes the most secretive at killings during the festivals and is the main one chosen for the tasks. Diklah is plagued with hatred for the Roman’s and his need to avenge his father and siblings. He never feels like what he does is enough. He wants his father to be proud of him, but as he watches the blood spill he only feels choked with shame. His soul in stained and nothing can free his mind. His love for his mother keeps him going, but will that be enough? Berenice loves another man, but he has yet to notice the dark eyes that watch him. 

6.     Next, likewise sketch a hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment. Will this involve family? Friends? Associates? What is the nature of it?: Sheva is in love with Diklah, but did he murder her brother? How far will Diklah go to avenge his family? How far will Sheva go to protect her heart? Will Masada be able to protect them from the fires of Roman furry? Will Berenice’s seductions and charm be enough to spare her from the doom that licks at the feet of Judea? Will Diklah lose his soul in his quest for justice? Will anyone survive to taste freedom? 

7.     Sketch out your setting in detail. What makes it interesting enough, scene by scene, to allow for uniqueness and cinema in your narrative and story?: 

The setting is ancient Judea before during the time of Nero, followed by the year of the four emperors of Rome. The year is A.D. 66-73. Jerusalem is the heat beat of the Jewish nation but it is ruled by the powers of Rome. The land is hot with rebellion and hatred toward Rome’s brutality. 

 

[jparker1861]

Good afternoon, everyone - I am traveling from Charleston, SC for this fantastic opportunity and looking forward to meeting everyone...

 

Story Statement:

     Is there any hope of stopping a not-so-self-inflicted generational cultural genocide?

 

Antagonists – as with my debut novel Beneath the Draper Moon, I have two parallel stories running across different timelines. This is a description of the two “heroes”:

            Dragged westward by two naive parents looking to improve their lot in life, eight-year-old Tilly Fountain finds herself orphaned along the banks of the Yellow Medicine River in the Minnesota Valley in 1862. A raging war between Little Crow's Santee Sioux and the United States government thrusts her into the hands of the Oceti Sakowin - the Seven Council Fires of the Sioux tribe. Witnessing her being shunned by her own people, the Wasi'chu, the Lakota Sioux carry her North to their winter hunting grounds and away from the fighting.  Tilly's red hair, green eyes, and fiery temper make her a legend in the Sioux tribe and earn her the name Prairie Fire. But it is the mystery of her centuries-old American lineage that has the most important impact on her new people.

 

Twelve-year-old Liah Cloud is finding difficulty growing up with her single mother in the suburbs of Charleston, South Carolina in 1974. Her dark hair, dark skin, and deep brown eyes have other kids calling her "half-breed". Liah knows she is a full-blooded Cherokee, but the bullying still makes her feel isolated and alone. The most important thing running through her sixth-grade mind is meeting her father...but that secret is kept hushed and hidden by her mother. Liah suffers through vivid and violent dreams that torment her waking mind, but the promise of a stranger may hold the power to change everything.

 

Titles

Current working title – Lakota Skies

Others -  Winter Count; the Destruction of the Lakota Moon Calendar

Dismantling the Lakota; the Systemic Ending of a Beautiful Way of Life

 

Comparable:

The Berry Pickers – Amanda Peters

Native American Literature

Western Historical Fiction

 

 

 

Lonesome Dove – Larry McMurtry

Native American Literature

Western Historical Fiction

 

Primary Dramatic Conflict:

Despite her mother’s refusal to cooperate, twelve-year-old Liah Cloud is determined to find her birth father at all costs. Though separated by a century, her story runs parallel to that of Tilly Fountain who has been left utterly alone in the wilderness at the age of eight. Their divergent journey is one of adventure, danger, and heartache at every turn, but their devotion to their family could save an entire culture from extinction that looks inevitable.

 

Hook line: 

Two disillusioned young women born more than a century apart may hold the key to saving an indigenous tribe on the verge of cultural and societal extinction.

 

Other matters of conflict:

Secondary – Liah Cloud is socially isolated in her current environment, and she is convinced that finding her father will resolve the turmoil in her life. She cannot comprehend the reasons why her mother feels she must keep this from happening at all costs.

Tertiary – Liah has dreams that turn into nightmares. She keeps this to herself, but when a man from one of her dreams suddenly appears in her life, she begins to doubt the nightmares are just simply fantasy.

 

Settings:

The story runs in parallel with the two protagonists. Liah’s journey begins in the 1970’s in Charleston, SC – it is a scene of friendship and staying outdoors until the streetlights shine, where personal relationships mean more than anything else. Her journey moves westward and eventually arrives in Western Canada just prior to winter setting in.

Tilly is left alone in a wilderness filled with hunger, danger, and heartache. The irony of snowcapped mountains and lush meadows filled with flowers and butterflies is the harsh reality that death is just the next step away.

 

 

[jparker1861]

Adding setting example:

 

Tilly Fountain ran barefoot across the rocks, logs, and grass that lined the Yellow Medicine. The water was high, but it ran silently toward the Minnesota, which she could hear roaring over rapids in the distance. She wanted to go home – back to her grandmother’s house in Massachusetts. Why did they bring her here? Why did they leave her alone? She tripped and gashed her left knee on a rock. Blood formed in droplets on her skin, and she used her filthy dress to make one pass over the cuts. To the left of her she heard horse hooves pounding along the edge of the riverbed and she instinctively dove beneath the prairie grass overhanging the wall of the ridge that had been cut by the river. As soon as she had pulled her rabbit under the grass, she saw the first of what seemed to be a hundred horses come crashing down into the gully as they turned to ride down the creek bed toward the north. It was a small miracle of God that she wasn’t trampled to death. The Indians where hooting and hollering as they went, but some appeared to be barely hanging on to their horses as their blood dripped into the water. Many carried the white sacks she knew to be flour and sugar. She waited until she heard only the sounds of the plains before she rolled out from her hiding spot and began to walk again. Tilly knew it would be dark soon and the night air would grow cooler. She headed along the creek in the same direction the Indians went, until it grew too dark to see in front of her. She drew one last drink from the river and curled up between two dry logs, pulling her knees up to her chest and dragging her dress down over her sore feet. Her father taught her never to sleep in a ravine, but this just felt safer to her.  Somehow…she quickly fell asleep. Sleep was easy for her…it was her only escape. She was instantly transported back to Rockport, Massachusetts and the smell of the sea. She would never see…or smell the ocean again.