Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S27 E11: Poop in Shoes

[Artemis Gordon]

After many showers (so, so many showers) and much pointlessness, season 27 of The Bachelor is over.

So who “won?”

I don’t care.

Anyway, thanks to some comments from last week’s post, I found Pudding a shirt that covers the spot she isn’t supposed to lick so she doesn’t need a cone.

She doesn’t love the shirt, either, but it’s better.

She’s still going to poop in my shoes.

We open in a studio in LA where Jesse announces this is a three hour episode.

FUCK MY LIFE.

They announce that Charity will be the next Bachelorette.

Then Jesse brings out Ariel, who was eliminated last week. He comments on how composed she was when Zach broke up with her.

That’s because she was there for the free wine, travel and friendship my dude. No one is there for Zach, not even the Kohler shower head.

They bring Zach out.

“I’m sure you just got done with your thirty minute shower scene,” she says.

click for me

She tells Zach she’s hurt that he was honest about Fantasy Suites with Gabi and Kaity, but not her (Zach had said he wasn’t going to sleep with anyone, but slept with Gabi and disclosed that to Kaity). She doesn’t like that she learned about things from watching the show.

She also says by taking sex off the table, he made the entire week about sex.

Then we go back to Krabi, Thailand.

I shit you not, Zach takes a shower.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THIS?

After he’s dried and dressed, he meets his family.

We cut to Gabi who says she won’t meet Zach’s family unless the two of them talk first. She says she still feels like she’s wearing a scarlet letter (because she slept with him during Fantasy Suites and he made a big-ass deal about it ).

Zach has been saying he feels disappointed in himself for having sex, and Gabi explains how that shames her.

Pudding: Don’t worry Gabi, I’ll poop in his shoes, too. Or in his shower.

Ed. note: I vote both.

Zach tells her that he loves her and then they go meet his family.

Zach’s dad tells Gabi that his relationship with his wife (Zach’s mom) wasn’t based on them having a great time, it was based on them having a horrible time.

I…weird advice.

He says that Zach was really sick when he was born and they weren’t sure that they would survive infancy.

One of Zach’s sisters looks like she’d rather be anywhere than on this show.

Next up is Kaity. She reveals that she’s afraid Zach will leave her like “all of the men in my life do.”

Zach’s mom brings up the fact that there’s another woman still there, and Kaity breaks down crying and his mom comforts her.

Then Zach’s dad pivots from “my relationship with your mother was horrible” to how his wife is his best friend, which makes more sense to me.

Then he says, “It’s just my belief that relationships aren’t made in good times. They’re just not.”

I get where he’s going with this, but it also seems like dude has things to process.

Then it’s time for the final dates.

First up Zach and Kaity go to a national park. He’s wearing an awful shirt.

They go for a hike and then during dinner Kaity tells him she loves him.

For their date, Gabi and Zach go horse back riding on the beach.

HORSE BUDGET!

Gabi tells him she didn’t know he almost died when he was born, and Zach says, “Oh, they brought that up, huh?”

Nice chat.

They have a lot of awkward silences in their conversation.

Then Zach says he has a tough decision to make, he doesn’t know where he’ll be in two days, but he feels strongly that the outcome will be good…for him.

Gabi starts to cry and tells the camera she has a gut feeling it won’t be a good outcome for her. Her tears seem kinda fake though, and Pudding and I think that she’s secretly relieved she doesn’t have to be engaged to this bozo.

During dinner Zach tells her he doesn’t have “a decisive feeling.”

“None of my fears were relieved,” Gabi tells the camera.

At this point, BTW, Zach has told Kaity he loves her, but not Gabi.

Apparently we’re skipping the Neil Lane, picking out the diamond bit, because after a commercial, Zach is standing on the beach where he’s going to propose.

Gabi arrives first. She gets out of the SUV and steps into a puddle. She scolds the driver, “When it actually matters, when Kaity gets here, do not do that to her.”

This isn’t said in a shitty way, but like she wants Kaity to have a really nice engagement.

I think these women like each other more than either of them like Zach.

Jesse asks Gabi how she’s feeling and she says, “I just know what’s about to happen.”

Zach lets loose with some verbal diarrhea about their “journey.” He says, “Falling in love with you has made me a better man, but…”

“You don’t have to say it,” Gabi says.

“As much as I’ve been falling in love with you,” he starts.

“I don’t want to hear it,” she says.

“You deserve a man who picks you first every day,” he says.

“Can you stop,” she begs.

DUDE TAKE A HINT.

Gabi says that he knew and should have told her sooner. She tells him Kaity is an amazing person.

“I know you don’t want to hear this,” he says, then keeps talking, “but you have part of my heart.”

Pudding: Can it be the part that stops him from talking? STOP TALKING!

Click for Pudding and I

In the SUV, Gabi says, “That was fucking humiliating. I’ve been strung along this entire time for what? What really pisses me off is, I fucking knew.”

We cut back to the studio where Gabi is sitting with Jesse. She tells him that she didn’t think Zach would make her go through the last day of interviews and prep if he wasn’t going to propose.

But like… that’s how the show works, so…

Regarding the fact that they had sex, she says, “It’s extremely violating that Bachelor nation knows everything.”

Then they bring out Zach. She tells the audience that Zach had told her what happened in the Fantasy Suite was “just between us,” so she was blindsided when he divulged that they had sex and she felt ashamed. She also points out that he only cared about telling Kaity and not Ariel.

“I get that sex sells, but now I’ve become a narrative,” she says tearfully.

Zach makes noises but doesn’t offer a genuine apology.

Then we cut back to Thailand, where the driver doesn’t park in front of a puddle this time.

She walks out to the beach and tells Zach she’s in love with him, and that if it’s not him, “It’s not anyone.”

Zach says he loves her and proposes to her. She accepts.

Back in the studio, Kaity comes out to meet Zach and Jesse. We learn they’re moving in together in Austin, but haven’t started planning a wedding. Kaity says she’s still friends with Gabi and Ariel.

The last five minutes are a preview of Charity as the The Bachelorette.

What did you think of this season?

Ed note: As part of our new sticker collection, we have a limited-edition sticker of Pudding which supports The Pawffee Shop cat rescue cafe:

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Pudding is the Final Rose Sticker
$5.00

You can find this sticker and the others in our store! 

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