Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S27 E10: Shower Crying

[Artemis Gordon]

It’s Fantasy Suites night on The Bachelor.

Cheers to my friend Jen who is here and said, “Wait, there are 27 fucking seasons of this show?!”

Indeed.

Lady Pudding is currently not talking to me as she has to briefly wear the cone of shame (she’s fine, it’s so she doesn’t lick a topical med off her fur).

Sleep with one eye open, mother.

We’re in Thailand, BTW.

Not Pudding and me, the people on this show.

Jesse reminds us that on The Bachelorette it was the Fantasy Suite night that made Zach decide to quit the show. He had a really weird reaction and felt like Rachel was being fake and felt like something was off.

My guess? There was potentially an ounce of conflict and he bailed, as is his MO.

Then Zach drops the bombshell that there’s not going to be “any sex of any kind” during the Fantasy Suite dates. Jen just looked over at me and rolled her eyes.

Jen: “He’s just very… he’s very white bread, milk is spicy… It just…”

Yup.

“I gotta ask you man, this is just us talking,” Jesse asks IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND CREW, “Are you gonna be able to pull this off? It’s gonna be hard.”

Zach says he doesn’t imagine that’s how a healthy engagement should start. With sex? Okay.

THEN HE TAKES ANOTHER FUCKING SHOWER.

Click for Zach

Then Ariel, who has the first date, says that being physical with someone is an important part of a relationship for her and she’s looking forward to the overnight date.

Well, that should go great.

Pudding: He’s going to totally have sex with one of them and cry about it later. Probably in the shower.

Click for Zach...probably

So he and Ariel go to a night market and do that enraging thing where they eat “gross” food from another culture, in this case cooked insects. They order “the grossest one.” This is so disrespectful.

Zach keeps telling the camera how hot his chemistry is with Ariel. At one point they kiss and this woman who gloriously does not give a fuck, just walks into the shot to get a video of a fire eater.

During dinner Ariel tells Zach she’s falling in love with him and his eyes get huge but in a not great way.

Then he tells Ariel “sex is off the table” with regard to the Fantasy Suite. He says there’s only going to be one person at the end of this, and sex should be with them only.

She tells the camera she’s disappointed.

The next day he goes on his date with Gabi. She meets Zach on the beach and they have a discussion as to whether or not they’re sweaty.

They go to a private island where they drink champagne on the beach. Gabi tells him she feels like she got into her head after spending ten days apart from Zach.

Pudding: That sounds like a lovely reprieve.

Zach tells her not to feel that way and it gets tense. Eventually she walks away and starts crying and says she feels “stupid and foolish and ugly. I don’t feel like I can even go back there.”

I…okay. That ramped up quickly.

She says her last boyfriend cheated on her, and she felt again like she’s coming second.

“I’m so overtired,” she says tearfully.

Okay, things are making more sense now. I get really emotional when I’m exhausted, too.

During dinner, Gabi tells him she’s falling in love with him.

Zach lets her know about the no sex thing. She looks skeptical or maybe rejected.

Gabi says she doesn’t see herself being engaged to someone she’s never had sex with, but that they’ll “work on it.”

“It’ll be great,” she sighs. “I can’t wait for him to see my skincare routine.”

Cut to the next morning and the two of them are cuddling in bed.

Back his hotel, Zach says the whole night was passionate and special, but that something unexpected happened and now he feels like he has a secret.

Pudding: CALLED IT.

So then Jesse comes over for bro time and Zach tells him that he had sex with Gabi. It is so awkward. It feels like he’s confessing to a parental figure, and they’re the same age.

“Do you want to tell the other women what happened?” Jesse asks.

Zach says they need to know.  Then he says, “This was an act of love, not lust.”

The next shot is Kaity getting ready for her date and Zach walking up a pathway. But surprise! When he knocks on the hotel door, it’s Gabi!

He tells her that he wants to tell the other women they were intimate because he doesn’t want to have secrets. He literally cannot say the word “sex.”

Gabi says she didn’t think it bothered him that much and is clearly caught off guard. She tells the camera that she feels like it was between them and now it’s between them and everyone else.

Jen: Ma’am, you are on a televised show.

Then Zach tells her he’s falling in love with her.

So then it is time for Kaity’s date. They go kayaking in a clear boat.

So after they randomly make out in a rain shower, Zach super awkwardly tells Kaity about how he made the no sex rule and broke it.

Kaity says that she knew there would be the potential for him to be sleeping with the other women, but she could have gone without him telling her about it.

“I’m not happy so I’m not going to pretend I’m happy,” she says. “It’s weird.”

He says he’s sorry and she says, “Well you’re not sorry you did it.”

She asks the camera how he expected her to feel. She says, “I wasn’t going to give him a high five like, way to go, pal.”

He tries to hug her and she says, “It’s real weird, Zach.”

He says he doesn’t want them to get engaged and her to be blindsided.

Then she tells him that she already knew the gist of the week and she doesn’t care to hear about whether or not he slept with someone else.

Kaity tells a PA she doesn’t think she can go into tonight when she’s so unhappy and that she just wants to go home.

Kaity eventually does show up to dinner, although she doesn’t look thrilled. She says that the day was a step back, but she feels confident they can get through it.

Click for me

Eventually they go to the Fantasy Suite.

The next day is the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Gabi says she doesn’t know if she wants a rose because she feels like Zach broke her trust by sharing that he slept with her.

In the end Gabi does accept a rose and so does Kaity.

As Zach is walking Ariel out, Kaity says to Gabi, “I know you were the only one.”

“I feel like I’m wearing a scarlet A on my chest,” says Gabi.

“Oh my God, no. Don’t do that,” Kaity says.

Zach comes back and they all do an uncomfortable champagne toast.

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