Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S27 E5: London Tears

[Artemis Gordon]

After a night of snow and wind followed by freezing rain, Pudding and I are ready to snuggle down under our favorite blankets and watch The Bachelor.

Pudding may have had hit the nip a little hard.

Pudding: Wake me up when this is over.

Tonight everyone is in London and, apparently, crying.

As you read the recap, it’s worth remembering that they allegedly keep the cast super sleep deprived to accommodate the filming schedule and also, I suspect, ramp up the drama.

The first one-on-one date goes to Gabi. They create a custom perfume together and then try on hats and tiaras. They also get to meet a bunch of corgis although they are not actually the late queen’s corgis.

Then Gabi tries on a bunch of dresses, which Zach is not treating her to because ABC is paying for everything.

They always have one of these shopping dates that makes it seem like the Bachelor is loaded, and I can’t stand them because it’s sooooo fake.

Also I Googled and Zach’s job is a Senior Sales Executive for Cloud Based Technology, which means nothing. In my professional experience, everyone in sales is either an executive, director, or VP regardless of actual status in the company because people want to work with someone they believe has a bigger title and therefore more clout.

Then we get a spot for Bachelor casting where they ask, “How long has it been since you’ve been wow’d by someone?”

Pudding: She lives with me, darling.

When Gabi comes back with all her shopping bags the other girls squeal. They ooh and ahh over her purchases.

Greer gets really upset when Gabi talks about having high tea with the corgis. Apparently Greer really loves tea, told Zach that, and even has a teacup tattoo. She says it was like rubbing “dirt” in the wound, but I assume she means salt.

Then she starts crying really hard and goes and sits in the hall.

Greer tells Charity that her love language is affirmation and she hasn’t gotten that from Zach.

She feels like Zach so far has curated the dates based on each woman and this one was her “personality to a T.”

Girl, Zach doesn’t do shit. Some overworked, underpaid PA who had to haul a fucking hot tub into the desert with a Radio Flyer Wagon put this shit together.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Zach tells Gabi he wants to find the right person and “do life” with them.

Click for me

Gabi gets the date rose. Later they get a private concert by UB40, and lord I feel old that they’re on The Bachelor now.

The next day the ladies learn that Zach won’t be joining them on the group date because he’s sick.

“I mean you get that card and… I’m under the weather? What does that mean?” Kaity asks.

Kaity, you’re a nurse.

Instead the women get to enjoy sightseeing in London without Zach which sounds so much better. They ride in a double decker bus, listen to a bagpipe player, and get rained on.

Mercedes complains that she dressed sexy for Zach and now she’s freezing.

Pudding: This is why I don’t do things for men.

We cut back to Zach’s hotel where he emerges from the bathroom complaining about how sick he is, strongly implying that he has diarrhea. I don’t think ABC intended this and therefore it’s hilarious.

At the cocktail party, a gentleman arrives with a message from Zach. He’s still too sick to hang. Several of the women start crying, probably because they spend two hours doing hair and makeup and they could have just gone to bed early.

They all take a petal from the date rose.

Brooklyn says she’s too mad to cry and feels like she’s been stood up.

HE HAS DIARRHEA, BROOKLYN.

The next day Jesse shows up and gently says, “Hey everybody, how are we doing?” like he’s comforting a bunch of first graders whose classroom hamster just died.

Then he whispers, “He tested positive for Covid… today.”

All of this is done with the gravitas of announcing someone has passed.

And don’t get me wrong, Covid is scary and shitty. I had it this summer and I was completely exhausted and brain-foggy for a week. I remember worrying my memory wouldn’t come back. I cannot imagine doing this show while feeling that shitty. All I wanted was sleep and that neon blue cold medicine that tastes like sour burning. I would be crying too, honestly.

Charity starts crying because now she won’t get her one-on-one date.

I assume everyone on this show is being tested regularly, so if the rest of them are healthy then nothing is stopping them from hanging out in London together. That sounds amazing, frankly.

Kaity makes Zach a get well basket complete with teddy bear. It’s actually very sweet. They talk through his closed hotel door.

Then they decide to have a virtual cocktail party so we get lots of footage of Zach, alone in his room, messing around with AV equipment and asking things like “Wait…do I need to lower this or…”

Pudding: I didn’t think this could get more boring, but here we are. The Bachelor over Zoom. Someone get me more nip.

No one is thrilled about the virtual cocktail party idea, and I don’t blame them. We could all be napping.

I am not even making this up, but they prop a tablet up on a sofa and the women have to take turns sitting next to it like they’re sitting next to Zach.

This is ridiculous

Zach feels bad that Charity didn’t get her solo date so he has one of the PA’s leave her a gift, which is a silver statue replica of Big Ben that 200% came from the gift shop.

I would also like to point out that we get all of Zach’s audio via the iPad the women take turns holding. It’s like the shittiest production quality ever. They really went quarter-assed for this episode. No one cares anymore.

Greer tells Zach she feels for him because she works in sales and she got Covid at the end of a quarter and missed a lot of important work stuff. It’s really hard to hear was Zach is saying because, again, we’re hearing him through a tablet, but it sounds to me like he makes a shitty comment about missing out on time with his future wife being more important than missing out on sales or something.

Fuck this guy

Greer confirms to the other women that Zach was offended by the comparison.

“I felt like I insulted him,” Greer says tearfully.

Pudding: He insulted himself when he decided to be The Bachelor.

Also, if Zach really works in sales then he should understand that missing the end of a sales quarter can have a huge financial impact to someone depending on how their compensation is structured.

What a dick.

Later Jesse talks to Zach (via iPad) and Zach starts crying because he feels like the whole week was “robbed.” Normally I’d feel kinda bad for him because he is sick, but he was an asshole to Greer about her job so now I don’t care. Okay, I didn’t care before either, but now I negatively care.

Also the audio quality is so shit they have to caption him.

Then it’s time for a virtual rose ceremony where a stand of roses is placed under a flat screen TV and when Zach calls the person’s name, they have to walk up and get their own rose.

Pudding: I’d just jump up on the table and push the roses to the floor one at a time while yelling “Whaddaya gonna do about it, Zach?! Whaddaya gonna do?!”

The rose ceremony literally starts with Zach saying “Can everyone see me?”

THE CRINGE, YOU GUYS.

Zach sends Mercedes and Kylee home. Greer makes it through.

What do you think of the virtual Bachelor?

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