Elyse Watches The Bachleor–S27 E2: Look at this Photograph

[Artemis Gordon]

It’s time for The Bachelor, a show where a bunch of drunk twenty-somethings act like we’re in a post apocalyptic world where this is their only chance at finding true love.

It’s worth noting Big Brother has a higher success rate of couples staying together than this (shit) show.

Pudding: I can’t believe you woke me up for THIS.

We start off with the ubiquitous shot of Zach taking a shower (WHY?!)

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First up is a group date where the ladies meet Latto. She tells the women that “bad bitch energy” is as much about confidence as it is about physical appearance. She has the women dance to show off their confidence.

Brooklyn complains that “literally there are professional dancers here, and I’ve got rhythm from Oklahoma.”

Then Latto announces more women will be joining the date; it’s three women from prior seasons, Victoria, Tahzjuan and Courtney. I don’t remember which seasons they were on.

They are bad bitches who will be judging this seasons contestants.

First the women walk down a catwalk.  Zach stands at the end of the catwalk nodding and smiling and not knowing what to do with his hands. It’s painful and awkward.

Then the women share stories about a time when they were a bad bitch and none of them involve scraping their sharpened claws down the face of the patriarchy, so Pudding, the original bad bitch and duchess of murder, is not impressed.

Pudding: Amateurs.

During the cocktail party, Brianna admits to Zach that she doesn’t feel confident regarding her place in the McMansion or with him. During the After the Rose special for last season’s Bachelorette they introduced five women from this season’s show.

The audience picked Brianna to get the first impression rose, and she reflects that it didn’t come from Zach and she doesn’t know where she stands with him.

Then they make out.

IDEK you guys.

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So then Zach is talking to Cat, and Tahzjuan (the bad bitch from season 23) interrupts them to talk to Zach.

Pudding: Interrupting a conversation makes her a bad bitch? What rot.

Tahzjuan asks to join the show because she likes Zach’s energy.

Pudding: Not his face, his “energy.”

The other women aren’t thrilled. Then Tahzjuan tells them that watching them on stage was painful.

…but, like, it was.

Then Zach tells them he’s not inviting her to join the group.

SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS? DID THEY JUST HAVE 15 MINUTES TO FILL?

Tahzjuan gets weepy and says, “Bad bitches don’t cry.”

Then we get the closed captioning for a producer in the background saying, “Sometimes bad bitches cry. It’s okay.”

This show is just …yeah.

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The date rose goes to Katherine.

So then we cut back to the McMansion the next morning where some of the women are sitting by the pool talking.

“I feel like Zach, right away, will know if you want to use tongue or not,” Jess says

“Wait, like, I did not know that tongue was not something that was used in every kiss,” Katherine replies.

It must be real weird when she kisses her dog.

ANYWAY. It’s Christina’s turn for a one-on-one date.

On the car ride they bond over… I am not making this up…their mutual love for the band Nickelback.

They go for a helicopter ride (I swear to God every season has a helicopter/horse budget. I’m waiting for the episode where the horse pilots the helicopter).

Then they go to Zach’s family home where they are celebrating his mom’s birthday with a barbeque.

One of his cousins loudly asks, “Should we tell her about his rash?”

Give THAT guy a show!

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Christina tells him that she’s the mom of a five-year-old girl.

Zach acts like Christina is the only human being to have reproduced. He tells the camera he doesn’t know if he’s ready to be a dad.

He tells her that he feels like they have a connection, but he’s not sure he’s ready for kids yet. He starts to tear up and we think he’s going to send her home, but then he gives her the rose.

Side note, they keep advertising the Senior Bachelor and that they’re looking for casting. Pudding is, technically, a senior.

Pudding: I will end you, bitch.

Then it’s time for the second group date. It’s basically a cocktail hour. Gabi, who looks a lot like Kendall Jenner, worries that she hasn’t talked to him yet.

Pudding: Based on how this is season is going, I would count that as a blessing.

I mean, look at this guy.

So then Gabi does get to talk to him and asks if she can call him “Zachy-poo.”

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The whole conversation seems to be a lot of verbal vomit on her part, although that could be the editing.

The date rose goes to Jess.

Gabi feels more insecure and walks away crying. She says she didn’t get any validation from him.

Then, the next night during the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour, Gabi and Zach share a peanut butter cup Lady and the Tramp style and then kiss, so I guess it’s ok?

Then Brianna confronts Christina because on night one Christina joked that she hated Brianna for having the first rose. Christina apologizes.

So then Brianna starts to tell Zach about it and he basically shuts her down saying he trusts her to handle it. LOL.

Then Zach tells her she has a lot of walls up. To be fair, everything we’ve seen of her this episode has been her complaining about not fitting in.

Later Zach sends home Cat, Kimberly and Victoria.

What do you think of this season so far?

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