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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S19 E5: Radar


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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomSo last week chicken-poo guy, Logan, was starting some shit by deciding he’d rather be with Gabby than Rachel.

Rachel’s already been rejected a whole bunch and is fragile.

Also they’re all sailing around Europe on an empty cruise ship because…reasons?

I told Pudding it was time to watch The Bachelorette and this was her face.

Pudding glares

Also joining us is Radar, our newest foster baby. He’s 1.5lbs of absolute chaos and will be here until he’s big enough to be fixed.

Radar lays in my arms

So the SS WTF is sails to Bruges.

Chicken Shit Logan is telling Rachel how special he feels whenever she gives him a rose, which is cringe because we know he wants Gabby. Rachel says that makes her feel special.

Then he says, “I feel like something’s been holding me back a little bit. Something that’s been anchoring me down.”

Her face falls.

Pudding: We could legit anchor you down and shove you over the side. Just sayin’.

He tells her he can’t go on the group date because he feels stronger about Gabby.

“You accepted so many roses from me…” she says.

She walks him out of her cabin and tells the camera, “Everyone is leaving me. The rejection feels really awful.”

Rachel should ditch all these assholes and adopt Radar. His love will be true.

Then it’s time for Rachel’s group date that Chicken Shit Logan isn’t on.

Rachel's dudes walk down the street in Bruges

Meanwhile Dale, or whatever the fuck his name is, goes and talks to Rachel who is crying. She says she feels like they should be past the point of people changing their minds.

“How is this affecting you?” Dale asks.

WELL SHE’S CRYING IN A BATHROBE YOU SHIT STAIN, HOW DO YOU THINK IT’S AFFECTING HER.

Radar, a kitten with giant ears, poses for the camera

Radar: Give me the final rose, Rachel!

Pudding: Yes, please do. When did we become a home for urchins?

So Dale tells the dudes Rachel is canceling their group date but will still have a cocktail hour. Frankly I’m not even on this show and I need to drink right now so…

Click for me

a little girl holds two beer bottles

[spoiler]

We cut to Chicken Shit Logan looking pensively over the balcony on the ship, but tragically he doesn’t fall overboard.

Logan goes to talk to Gabby and says he was “on fire” for her. They make an ointment for that, I think. Gabby admits he was their only “overlap.” She says she needs to check with Rachel because she puts her friends first.

[spoiler spoilerwarning="Click for Pudding and I"]

Lucille from Arrested Development says good for her

Gabby goes to Rachel’s cabin and learns that she canceled her group date. “Someone else left, I feel like a failure as the Bachelorette,” Rachel says. “Logan dumped me for another Bachelorette.”

“I would feel the same way,” Gabby says.

Gabby looks shocked as she talks to Rachel

Rachel says Logan strung her along for weeks and she doesn’t think Logan is trustworthy.

During the cocktail hour, Rachel is honest with the dudes that Logan decided he wanted to be with Gabby instead of her.

Meatball says “I want to tell her I’m 100% invested in this relationship.”

Pudding: I am 100% invested in bacon.

I’m still struggling that this dude is called Meatball.

The date rose goes to Tino, certified forklift driver.

Then it’s time for Gabby’s group date. Logan is not included. They explore Bruges and sample some waffles.

Then the guys play a version of rock, paper, scissors where if you lose you get slapped in the face with a fish.

Nate gets slapped with a fish

During the cocktail hour, Logan shows up and there’s much “oooooohhhh”ing.

The guys are pissed that Logan is there now after pursuing Rachel.

Pudding: MAKE HIM WALK THE PLANK!

Nate feels like Logan is being calculating.

Click for me

Molly Shannon says "ya think?"

In the end Gabby gives the group date rose to Nate.

Erich says he feels like he’s wasting his time. You are touring Europe in an empty cruise ship with unlimited booze, so maybe calm the fuck down.

Rachel goes on a one-on-one date with Aven. They go on a carriage ride  and stop at a chocolatier.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Aven tells Rachel that for him stability is the most important thing in a relationship, so it makes total sense that he went on reality TV to find a relationship. He gives Rachel a bracelet his mom made for him to bring her luck.

He gets the date rose.

Back on the ship, Gabby’s group of dudes discuss Logan switching sides. They aren’t happy.

The next one-on-one is between Gabby and Johnny.

I’m two and a half Whiteclaws in, you guys.

Click for me

Ben from Parks and Rec says I'm drunk

Pudding: Lightweight.

They go to a brewery and taste flights of beer. Then they go to a spa where they take a bath in beer which sounds…sticky.

Ed. note: I shuddered when I read that. 

Gabby and Johnny sit in a tub of beer

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Gabby tells him he’s funnier than she thought he’d be. She says he’s guarded. He says he’s “the least confident guy ever.”

He then implies that he probably needs therapy for lack of self esteem and depression. WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW?

Gabby suggests he give himself some grace. She gives him the date rose.

Jesus Christ. We still have 30 minutes left.

Okay, then it’s time for the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour back on the ship.

Gabby gives Nate Belgian chocolates she bought for his daughter.

Chicken Shit Logan observes how close she is with the other dudes and starts to panic.

Dale announces it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Rachel sends Meatball home. Gabby sends home Mario and Michael.

And that’s it. Are you watching?

 

Rachel and Gabby clink champagne glasses

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