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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S19 E4: Hayden


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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomWhat fresh bullshit are we in for tonight?

Apparently last week Meatball begged Rachel to keep him, and she did, and all of this happened during the credits, and I missed it.

Pudding: His name is…Meatball.

Pudding sits in front of some bookshelves looking incredulous

We open with Hayden telling the other dudes that he called Gabby “rough around the edges.”

“That’s kinda rough though, bro,” Nate says.

Hayden defends himself by saying Gabby called herself that twice.

“I don’t think I did anything I did anything wrong, to be honest,” he says. “I guess maybe you shouldn’t use that fucking word to describe yourself then.”

Hayden has this face that is a combination of smug and vapid. He strikes me as someone would have invested in Fyre Festival. The type of guy who would spend all dinner mansplaining NFTs to you.

Click for me

Terry/Gary/Gerry from Parks and Rec says I just wanna choke him

He also apparently called the women “bitches,” although I didn’t catch it on camera. He says Gabby and Rachel don’t hold a candle to his ex, and adds, “I’ll tell you right now, I don’t see how any guy in here can say I’m going to fucking marry those girls.”

MY GOD HOW FRAGILE IS THIS DUDE?

Click for Pudding

A woman says I will end you

His behavior doesn’t sit well with Meatball, and how low have we fallen that a man named Meatball is our voice of reason?

So then Dale shows up and tells the guys they will be meeting Gabby and Rachel in France. They go to Le Havre where they learn they’ll actually be staying on a cruise ship. Shit, COVID was hard on the cruise industry apparently…

The guys and Dale pose in front of the ship

The first one-on-one date is in Paris and is between Tino and Rachel. Jason and Gabby, also in Paris, go on a one-on-one date as well.

Rachel and Tino makes crepes and chocolate-dipped strawberries, then they make out on a bridge.

Gabby and Jason go to a wine shop and ride a carousel.

Jason and Gabby laugh

The couples meet up later, and Gabby and Rachel go to the bathroom to compare dates. There’s a lot of giggling. Rachel says she’s surprised to have feelings this strong for Tino this early.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Rachel tells Tino her last relationship failed because her boyfriend wasn’t supportive of her career. Tino says he needs someone who feels that passionately about what they do in his life. I don’t know what that means.

He gets the date rose.

During their dinner, Jason tells Gabby he’s sensitive and reserved. He says he was so overwhelmed when he got to the mansion that he didn’t eat or sleep for three days and almost had a breakdown. Then he says he never felt good enough when he was a kid.

JESUS DUDE.

Gabby talks about her estrangement from her mom again.

They both talk about going to therapy.

She mentions Hayden’s comment to her and Jason says, “Yeah, but Hayden doesn’t deserve for you to open up to him. Those are his issues he’s projecting onto you.”

Wow. I might actually like this guy a little.

He gets the date rose.

Next up is Gabby’s group date. The guys show up to a boxing ring. They are learning French boxing. The winner gets to have a special dinner with Gabby.

Two of the guys fight

Rachel comes down to watch the fight, and for some reason seeing the guys fight (literally) for Gabby makes her self conscious about her own relationships and she starts crying…?

I don't understand what's going on

Karen from Will and Grace asks What's happening? What's going on? What's that

Spencer wins the date and gets to have drinks and apps with Gabby. Apps they can’t eat.

We cut back to Rachel saying that her guys ignored her today. They were watching the boxing match as well, and she was sitting with Gabby on the other side of the room, so I don’t know how they were supposed to approach her without walking in front of the ring, during the matches.

She says Clayton made her feel more wanted than these guys do.

Pudding: YIKES.

She approaches her guys, who are hanging on a drinking couch, and tells them her feelings are hurt and they didn’t take any time with her today.

For her group date, a French couple teaches the guys romance and seduction. The whole thing is just painfully awkward and terrible. At one point they have to French kiss their own fists. Ethan has to flirt with her and chooses to crawl toward her slowly on his hands and knees.

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nopetopus.gif?resize=476%2C253

Also they don’t offer any credentials for the teachers. Like who the fuck are these people? Did they just pick them up off the street? Was some desperate PA like “Here’s $50, tell them to kiss their fist, it’s fine” before collapsing in tears because he’s been on a hot tub search all day?

WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING.

During the cocktail portion of the date, Tyler tells her he’s cool doing all the cooking and cleaning to support her career as a pilot. They make out. He gets the date rose.

Pudding: He had better chemistry with his fist.

We cut to a bar somewhere on the SS WTF and Dale and Logan are talking. Logan took a rose from Rachel. Logan tells Dale that he thinks he feels a better connection with Gabby than with Rachel, and that he needs to talk to Gabby.

Pudding: Alternatively, we could just throw you overboard.

The next night is the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Hayden shows Rachel a picture book of his dog, Rambo. Then he tells her that Rambo has a brain tumor and is dying. He says he’s sharing that because he wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t important.

Okay, first of all, if one of my cats was dying you could not pry me from his/her bedside. Certainly not for a ridiculous reality show. Also, he called Gabby and Rachel bitches and said he couldn’t imagine anyone marrying them.

Click for me

Leslie Knope says hes's a monster

Meatball pulls Rachel aside and tells her the “bitches” comment. Also apparently Hayden compared Rachel’s boobs to his ex’s, but we didn’t see that.

Rachel confronts Hayden. Before she can say anything, he tells her he’s upset she wasn’t more sympathetic about Rambo.

“That’s what you think is happening?” she asks incredulously.

He denies calling the women bitches or comparing her to his ex. She doesn’t put up with it for a second and walks him out.

Rachel confronts Hayden

Pudding: MAKE HIM WALK THE PLANK.

As he exits the ship, Hayden says he’d rather be with Rambo and no one loves him as much as Rambo.

THEN WHY WERE YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Rachel goes and cries on a couch. Dale announces they are canceling the cocktail party.

In the end, Logan accepts a rose from Rachel without discussing his feelings for Gabby. Jordan, Kirk and Quincey go home.

“I would be a fool not to accept a rose if it means I still get to talk to Gabby,” he says.

And that’s where we end. Are you watching?

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