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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S19 E3: Cringe

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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomTonight my friend, Jen, came over for dinner so I’m subjecting her to the show as well.

She’s never seen it.

Will she still be my friend after?

Let’s see!

Pudding is too busy to watch. There are baby bunnies outside and she has to glare daggers at them.

Pudding looks out her window

We get through the fifteen second preview and Jen says, “I have to be honest, I hate these people already.”

The first one-on-one date is with Rachel and Zach. They meet up with TV host Karamo who planned their date. There’s a table with a giant, giant bowl filled with shrimp and all I can think about is how long has that been sitting out at room temperature.

So the date is them going to a movie premiere. Jen, who will be taking over these recaps now, says, “Please, please let them be going to see Morbius.”


Gabby heads over to the McMansion to see what the guys are up to. They throw a football and Gabby says, “I don’t want to play anymore. I didn’t want to play to start.”

I love her.

She feels like the guys are more interested in each other than her.

So it turns out the movie Rachel and Zach are seeing is Me & You, which neither of us have heard of. There is staged press taking their photos and calling out their names. Plot twist: the theatre is empty.

Pudding: This is when the assassins show up.

The curtain goes up and Matt White is on stage playing the piano. Then the screen plays pictures from their childhood and entire 15 minute relationship.

I really hope if I was on this show (which I would never be) my family would fuck with the production by submitting photos and home videos of some other random child.

Rachel and Zach watch the "movie"

Zach tells Rachel how much his dad loves planes and how they used to go to the airport and he’d name the different types of planes (Rachel is an airline pilot BTW). Then they make out.

He gets the date rose.

The next day Gabby and Erich go on their one-on-one date. Gabby’s grandpa, John, shows up. We love Grandpa John. They go to a “sound ceremony.” The host begins by clearing their energies.

Grandpa John falls asleep. Later they go bowling and set up Grandpa John with a nice lady named Julie.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Gabby tells Erich how she’s estranged from her mom. She gets emotional and has to leave the table. She worries if her own mom couldn’t love her, no one else can.

Jen is not impressed that Erich doesn’t go check on her.

He eventually gets the date rose.

So then it’s the group date. It opens with Gabby and Rachel posing in wedding dresses.

Rachel and Gabby model wedding dresses

They are doing a photo shoot. First up the guys wear daisy dukes and do a sexy carwash scene. There are a bunch of different set ups, including proposals.

For the after party they go to the SoFi stadium. Aven and Rachel make out in the end zone.

Tyler tells Gabby that he feels a connection with Rachel, and she appreciates his honesty. Then Hayden tells Gabby he’s there for Rachel too, and also adds that she’s more “rough around the edges.” Then Jacob says he doesn’t have a connection with Gabby and even if she was the only one there, he doesn’t think he’d have the heart to continue. He ends by calling her “smokin’.”

The level of cringe is physically painful. Gabby walks away to cry.

Click for me

a man cringes and says mmmm

This all validates Gabby’s fear that she’s not worthy of love.

Rachel gives her date rose to Aven. Gabby says she can’t give out a rose tonight. Rachel looks shocked.

The two women walk away. Gabby shares what Hayden and Jacob said to her and Rachel says, “What the fuck!? Do they think insulting one of us is going to make the other… Do you want me to address it?”

Gabby says, “I’m here to find a lifelong partner, not to teach dudes how to act.”

The next morning Gabby and Rachel talk, and Gabby reflects that being able to reject her made Hayden and Jacob feel powerful. Rachel says they need to make a change right now.

We cut back to the McMansion and Hayden tells the guys he has clarity and his head is in the right spot.

“Up your ass?” Jen asks.

Dale comes out to the drinking couches and tells the guys they are going STRAIGHT TO ROSE. STRAIGHT TO ROSE, PEOPLE.

Straight to rose!

an animated red alarm

He also tells them that if they accept a rose from either woman tonight, they are committed to pursuing only that woman and not the other.

Jen says Rachel should string Hayden and Jacob along and dump them horribly at the last minute.

Pudding: I admire your bloodthirsty nature.

Rachel picks Tino, Logan, and then calls Termayne’s name. He tells her he had a deeper connection with Gabby and declines the rose.  Dale puts him back in line and says he has to wait to see if Gabby offers him a rose. He takes the rose away from Rachel and says she’s down that rose and can’t offer it to anyone else.

Rachel says she feels embarrassed. She then offers Alec a rose, and he says he can’t accept it either.

It’s clear Rachel is crumbling.


Click for me

Kristen Bell cringes

She asks Tyler to accept the next rose and he does. So does Ethan. Then Meatball rejects her rose. Yes his name is Meatball.

Gabby picks Nate, Johnny, Spencer, Jason, Kirk, and Quincey. No rejects her.

They each have one rose left and they go away to talk privately. Rachel says she feels humiliated.

Gabby gives her final rose to Michael. Rachel gives hers to Hayden. Gross. I wonder if she did it because he was a sure thing.

Jacob, Termayne, Meatball, and Alec go home.

And that’s it. Are you watching?

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