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Cover Snark: Bitchery Submissions

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Good Monday morning (or wherever it is in your part of the world)! It’s time for some Cover Snark.

Protected by a Vampire by Susan Griscom. A very confused and shirtless blonde man stands before the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge. His torso is hidden by a bunch of smoke and a table setting that features a crystal ball and candles.

From Pam G: So. My question is: Why does this man have a porthole in his chest, or has Mr Vampy been sunbathing with a magnifying glass between the moobs? Also, what are those things parked behind the title on the right? Poker chips? Glasses of eggnog? I really do not get

Tara: So I expanded the image and have more questions. Is he in a river? Are those his bath toys?

Shana: It doesn’t appear that the vampire is doing a great protection job. This dude is under a bridge with an orb growing from his chest. Might be time to upgrade to a werewolf protector instead.

Or a troll. Trolls like bridges, right?

Claudia: It says San Francisco so I’m guessing it’s a wearable Google orb but still… That technology has ways to go.

Sarah: He looks very worried, but what specific question raised by this cover has given him concern, I don’t know.

The Protectors: A Warrior Halloween by Teresa Gabelman. A shirtless and headless man in jeans is cradling a pumpkin against his crotch.

From Colleen (a twofer!): I can’t tell whether we’re meant to infer if the pumpkin is meant to represent, um, him? Or he is thinking he has nefarious plans for that poor pumpkin.

Lara: Pumpkin… the more frugal, robust version of a peach?

Amanda: “A Warriors Halloween” which makes me think that this is Warriors fanfic with a Halloween celebration one-shot.

Sarah: What an exciting gourd.

Shana: Did they make him orange to match the pumpkin?

Forbidden Destiny by Teresa Gabelman. Another shirtless and headless dude. This time, he is wearing sweatpants and has a cobra tattoo on his pec. There is a wolf behind him looking absolutely horrified.

From Colleen: This one makes me think the guy farted on that poor wolf.

Shana: That wolf does NOT look happy.

Sarah: That poor wolf.

Amanda: The air biscuit so bad his eyes have crossed.

Viper by C.J. Pinard. A shirtless blond man is looking down at us menacingly. His leather jacket is wide open. But also, we can't seem to figure out the angle. He appears to be 15 feet tall and in a giant metal construction tube.

From Claire N: Is he standing up? Is he lying down, going “where the fuck is my pillow, my neck hurts like a bitch”? Is he trying to do a Matrix-style backbend? Why is he inside a large pipe/segmented worm? What is the weird breeze or awful miracle of tailoring that is making his jacket do that while his hair stays in place? Where is his right arm? Is it supposed to be sexy that he looks like a five year old preparing for the tantrum of his life? I have so many questions.

Amanda: Who’s our little edgy guy? Is that you?! Are you our edgy little man?! Aw…look at him!

Sarah: He’s too sexy for his tube, too sexy for his tube, too sexy for that whole line of sewer tube.

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