Love, Lies, and Murder

[Blair Hayse]

My heart feels like it’s been thrown onto the ground only to be beaten and bruised. 

This has to be a dream.

The rain batters my hair and clothes, leaving me a mess, but I don’t take notice. Falling in love had just cost me a heartbreak I had never imagined, one tangled with grief. How could I continue to live my life without him? Someone must wake me up from this nightmare. As the rain runs down my face, I close my eyes, but all that travels across the black canvas are pictures of him: snapshots of the happy times and images of times he annoyed me. I wish he was here to annoy me again. I see wasted moments of precious time over lover’s quarrels that made no sense. The memories are too painful to relive in the flashbacks of my mind’s movie screen. My chest feels heavy, and I suddenly cannot breathe. I am suffocating in pain. All I know is that I have nothing to live for anymore, and I wish I had died right there beside him. 

The quote “I can’t live without you” has never felt so real as it does right now. I want to run until my lungs burn and never look back. I am desperate for the air that only he gave me. I don’t realize my hands are curled into tight fists until I feel my nails biting at the edge of my skin; I watch as the rain washes the blood away. My head turns in many directions while the water drips from my eyelashes and makes it hard for me to see anything. I’m seeking a way to distract myself from the constant ringing of my phone and the loud rain plummeting down on the concrete below. My heart is beating faster than a speed I can decipher, the light buzz in my ears allowing me to hear my blood flow too quickly. I feel so many emotions at once, and even though I’m used to it, everything seems so different; all my feelings are heightened in a way I didn’t understand. The empty promises he left behind run through my brain. 

“I will never leave you, Kamala. I promise.” 

What a stupid promise, one that made my heart secure at the time but now feels like a lie. It feels like the world is shattering beneath my feet. Gravity seems against me as my body sways and I feel like I’m going to fall. 

You did leave me all alone.

If only I could turn back time.

Honestly, even if I could turn back time, I would fall in love with him all over again, even though I now know how the story must end. I can’t imagine erasing him from my life just to avoid the pain. Without him, I would have no memories, and right now, memories are all I have to cling to. I just want him back. I want the feel of his lips against mine, the smell of his rich cologne that I clung to with every hug, just for one moment, I want to feel his hand holding mine.

            If only. Just one more moment with him…that is all I wish for.

Without him, I did not want to exist.