Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S18 E10: Finale and After the Final Rose

[Artemis Gordon]

http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/ElyseBachelorette-150x125.pngIt’s time for the finale of this season of The Bachelorette, and the next season of The Bachelor starts 1/3. ABC is not giving me a break this year.

I’ve slammed a cold brew, taken two Ibuprofen, and Pudding and I are cuddled under our softest blankies and ready to do this.

Pudding is the only cat I’ve had who wants to be tucked in and it’s adorable.

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So we open with Michelle’s parents and sister arriving in Mexico. Brandon arrives with flowers and a gift for Michelle’s dad. When he went to her parent’s house in Minnesota he borrowed a pair of her dad’s swim trunks to go in the jacuzzi, so he got her dad a new pair as a joke.

Brandon asks her dad if he would be accepted as a member of the family if Michelle picks him, and  he says yes. Brandon really likes Michelle’s parents and I get the impression he wants to be part of her family more than he wants to be her husband, per se.

Then, some period of time later, Nayte meets her family for the first time. Nayte talks to her dad who reflects that there’s a different vibe from Brandon, and Brandon is a warmer person. Nayte says they really haven’t discussed the logistics of who will move where (he’s from Canada). Her dad says, “Interesting” which is Minnesotan for “Oh fuck.”

Yikes

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Nayte then tells her mom that he hasn’t been in love before Michelle. She asks if Michelle is “the one.”

Nayte says, “I most definitely feel like if its… if its… saying the one for for me, those kind of cliche sayings, my mind and my heart are pointing directly at Michelle…I definitely don’t take love seriously.” He makes a face when he realizes he misspoke.

“You don’t take it seriously? That’s not good,” she replies.

This is going great.

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Michelle’s mom is not impressed and doesn’t feel like Nayte is ready for this. She relays this to Michelle who starts tearing up.

The next day is her final date with Brandon. He confirms my suspicions when he says, “Her family is so amazing. I’ve never had a family open up like that to me before. It felt like I had a second family.”

They go on jet skis for their date.

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Brandon reveals that her mom said she hopes it’s him at the end.

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Later Michelle tells Brandon that something has been weighing on her. Michelle tells him that she’s really not falling in love, but that she’s already in love with him.

The next day it’s time for Michelle and Nayte’s final date.

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They go to a spot in the jungle set up with mats. A man named Raul, who says he’s a shaman, meets them and says he’s there to bless them. They do some smudging and talk about their hopes for each other.

Raul tells Nayte, “I can see something in your brain. There’s a blockage there. You are very emotional, but you pretend not to be. Speak directly.”

Literally everyone who has met Nayte has told Michelle this dude is a big ol’ red flag and you know that means she’s gonna pick him.

Later Nayte throws out this gem, “I wanna get over fights with you.”

That’s… okay.

Michelle asks him if he’s ready for an engagement and he says, “All I do is think about is a life with you.”

Michelle tells the camera she realizes Nayte is ready for marriage and that he’s her person. Then she gets back to her room and Brandon left her a note about how much he loves her. One line is “you’ve infected me with love.”

Okay then

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She says she’s in love with both men and tomorrow will be the hardest decision she’s ever made. I mean, on the one hand you’ve got the guy who might love your parents more than you. On the other, is Captain Red Flag who everyone (even Raul who knew him for 10 whole minutes) says isn’t ready for marriage.

I think this is when you drink all the free alcohol, enjoy the rest of your trip, go home single and live your best life.

So then we go through the whole ring selection process and it’s boring.

So Michelle waits for the guys on a beachfront platform set up with a single rose. She’s in a very bridal dress.

First Brandon shows up. He tells Tayshia and Kaitlyn that he’s nervous but excited because he gets “to spend forever with Michelle possibly.”

Brandon proposes, and it’s hard to hear anything he or Michelle say because the waves and wind are so loud. The only thing I can make out from Michelle is, “I promised myself that [inaudible], it’s not that I don’t love you because I do.” The rest is inaudible. Great job sound people!

They’re both crying. There’s like literally five minutes of talking that you can’t understand. Michelle walks him back to the SUV.

Brandon says he’s broken and cries A LOT.

So then Nayte pulls up and proposes. They’ve gotten the sound situation fixed, but it’s boring so I’m not going to recap it word for word. Michelle does the thing where she acts like she might not accept so we get scary music, but she does accept his proposal.

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Then we get After the Final Rose. This is mostly a clip show, so I’m not going to cover a lot of it. It’s just Kaitlyn hosting because Tayshia had a Covid exposure.

They bring out Brandon and he says he’s doing okay, and then Kaitlyn makes him relive every moment of being rejected because this show is garbage. Michelle comes out and basically says she was in love with him, but she was in love with Nayte more.

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Then Nayte comes out. Michelle says Nayte is more vulnerable than her emotionally. Michelle’s family is there and they reveal that Michelle and Nayte’s moms are now good friends.

Then Clayton the next Bachelor comes out and reads some mean tweets about him because why the fuck not. I think they were all written by Pudding and honestly I had no idea she was on Twitter.

So anyway that’s pretty much it… at least for another week. What did you think of this season?

 

 

 

 

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