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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S18 E2: Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader

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http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/ElyseBachelorette-150x125.pngTW: Discussions of mental health and suicide

Before I start the recap, Katie and Blake announced they’ve broken up this week.

Anyone surprised?

Yeah, me neither.

So we open with a group date.

Michelle tells the guys that she’s got three friends with her and that they have very high standards. They enter a room set up to look like a classroom and there are three kids waiting there.


Michelle is a teacher and she says nothing is more revealing than being in a classroom. The guys sit in desks and the kids ask them questions. The first question is 2021 x 18.

Click for me


She asks what kind of number you get when you multiple two negative numbers together. Again, way too many dudes don’t know the answer.

Next they have a chemistry lesson, which basically is just reading instructions correctly and safely. Peter fails.

One of the fifth graders says, “That was the whole challenge. To follow directions.”

None of them men try to drink the liquids they were supposed to mix together and frankly I’m going to call that a win. I feel like the number of these dudes who have probably eaten a Tide pod is high.


So they do spelling.

Thank God Ryan and his “bachlorette STrategy” are gone.

The first word is protein. Peter draws pictures to go along with his spelling words and is generally obnoxious. At one point the girl sitting next to Michelle rolls her eyes. The last word is narcissist and Will writes “Peter” on his board which is not incorrect.

Peter has the following meltdown to the camera, “To say that I’m a narcissist in front of Michelle, do you know how low that is? That’s somebody that literally doesn’t think that anybody on this planet earth exists other than them. What about me now? What about me now? Like what about me now? Like what the fuck about me? Now? Like I was making tremendous progress, like I was shining in that group. I felt like I was really shining in that group. He’s known me for two or three days! He has no idea who I am. It’s fucking bullshit.”

Okay, first of all I feel like countering the allegation that you are a narcissist by repeating “What about me” three times like you’re trying to summon Beetlejuice is making Will’s point for him. Also you weren’t shining. You can’t do multiplication or follow the instructions for mixing three liquids together, and a fifth grader was so annoyed by your shit that she couldn’t hide it.

During the cocktail hour Michelle gives Brandon a hard time for being unable to spell and being super corny with his compliments.

So then Peter  confronts Will about calling him a narcissist. Basically they just shout over each other.

We cut back to the hotel where Jamie just found out he got the first one-on-one date. He says, “I think a big portion of this first part is, are you right for me. Personally, I have a wild life. I travel to third world countries with a days notice, by myself. Being around someone whose just constantly on the edge of life, that’s not for everyone.”

All of the other dudes are giving each other side eye over his comments. Also…what the fuck are you talking about? You travel alone? Like, you know, an adult? A day’s notice is not always an abnormal amount of lead time for work travel (I’m assuming this is for work).

We cut back to the cocktail hour. Michelle pulls Peter aside and basically asks why he was shouting.

“We all have our scars and for him to call me a narcissist not only in front of you, but in front of the children as well, I thought that was completely inappropriate and disgusting behavior,” he says.


Click for me


Michelle tells him that standing there screaming wasn’t a good look and that she doesn’t get why he was so upset.

Peter tells the camera that Will is a “petty bitch” and that he “got his rose robbed.”

The date rose goes to Brandon Who Cannot Spell.

The next day, Jamie and Michelle go rock climbing in Joshua Tree. Michelle appreciates how Jamie cheers her on and encourages her.


During dinner Jamie tells her that his mom had him when she was eighteen and struggled with mental health issues. They wound up having to live with his grandparents, and when he was thirteen she tried to commit suicide. He was afraid to leave her alone and would miss school to monitor her. When he was twenty-four she did commit suicide.

Michelle says she doesn’t really know him, but she’s proud of him for overcoming so much. She gives him the date rose.

The next day we see Joe talking to someone on the phone crying. He found out that a former basketball coach that he was very close to just passed away. He’s also on the group date for the day which is basketball themed.

The guys meet Michelle on the court. Joining them are Dearica Hamby and Diamond DeShields, two WNBA players. We also learn that Joe was 2011 Minnesota Mr. Basketball (which is the best high school player in the state). Michelle was runner up for the women’s version.

The guys play a 5 on 5 game. The winners get to go to the cocktail hour.


The blue team wins. Joe was on the red team. He’s named MVP of the day, though, which gets him an invite to the after party. At the party, he tells her about his former coach’s death.

Michelle says she’s never had chemistry as quickly or intensely as she does with Joe. Later in the evening they make out.

The group date rose goes to Joe.

At the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Jamie speculates that Joe and Michelle knew each other already. Mollique points out that it has nothing to do with him, so he doesn’t care.

Jamie says, “She set an agreement for what this space is supposed to be.”

“So you don’t think she’s here for the right reasons? Is that what I’m hearing?” Mollique asks.

So then Jamie goes to talk to Michelle and asks her about it. He says, “For me personally, I don’t really care,” which is the exact opposite of what he told the camera and a couple other guys like 2 minutes ago. Then he says that even though he personally doesn’t care, other people are questioning her authenticity.


“Do you think people are starting to question me in a way that’s disrespectful?” she asks.

“I think it’s to the point where it’s taken on a life of it’s own,” he says.

Pudding says he’s a goddamn liar.

Click for Pudding


He then tells her that he heard before the show that she was in a relationship with “a tall, light-skinned baller.”


Michelle is upset and tells Tayshia what happened and that she’s hurt that people are questioning her character and she doesn’t know who to trust. She has the guys assemble and tells them that she heard there’s been a lot of conversation in the house regarding her relationship with Joe and most of the guys are confused because there hasn’t been.

She then addresses the rumor that she was with a light-skinned basketball player. She says being a woman of color in Minnesota, any time she’s with a black man people assume they’re a couple, whereas she could be having a romantic dinner with a white man and no one makes that assumption.


She excuses herself and a bunch of the guys discuss the fact that none of them heard any conversation about Joe at all. Jamie doesn’t say anything.

Then Tayshia and Kaitlyn come over and say that Michelle is feeling very emotional and we’re going straight to rose.



Jamie, Joe and Brandon Who Can’t Spell all have date roses, so they’re safe. Alec, Pardeep, Daniel, and PJ go home. And that’s it.

Are you watching?

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