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Somedays I feel all witchy so I reach for a tarot deck. If I feel witchy and feminist, I grab Our Tarot.

If I feel like burning it all down, I go to The Next World Tarot. If I want the classics, the Rider Waite Smith deck is always reliable.

But if I’m having a no good, terrible, very bad day, then nothing will do but my beautiful, silly, profane and confusing deck from Arcane Bullshit, designed by Evan Doherty.

The deck is an oracle deck of 106 cards. It comes in a sturdy box and is accompanied by a small but gloriously funny booklet. I have tiny hands, and with 106 cards, this deck is really hard to shuffle.

Luckily the booklet gives some suggestions with regard to shuffling:

Shuffling Techniques of the Ancients

The Bachelor

Just let the cards ooze out all over the floor. Never pick them up.

The Holy Fuck

Set your deck on a shelf and wait for it to mysteriously fall over on its own.

The Gentleman

Expose the cards to your overwhelming fragility and importance until they leave to shuffle themselves.

El Mundo

Put each card in an envelope and mail them to random addresses around the world, with instructions to mail them back to you. Wait 12-15 business days. Now they’re shuffled.

http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/arcane-bullshit-evan-doherty-e1617155001596.jpg

As you can see, the tone of this deck is irreverent and profane, with a lot of curse words and drawings of penises and so forth – very much NSFW.

Some of my favorite cards are “Look at This Fucking Hourglass”, “Sex Witch With Octopus” and “A Bunch of Cats Posing as a Woman.”

As proof that meaning can be found in utter bullshit, I actually find these cards to be pretty helpful. Here’s a “Shit Sandwich” spread:

http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/IMG_1062-scaled-e1617155423756.jpg

I asked the cards, “What the fuck happened to my insides yesterday” since this seemed like the kind of question suited for a deck that includes drawings of poo. As you can CLEARLY see, my past card, Madame Rufflebonnet, refers to successful disguise, which in this case means pretending to be fine when I am not, and the importance of avoiding gossip, which is certainly advice I need to take.

The card that represents my present state, The Sword Holder, refers to me holding on to things I need to let go of (“time to release your anger, or maybe start a sword collection”). Also yesterday I felt full of swords, so there’s that.

My future card, The Pie Knight suggests that if I take risks and have adventures I will end up with pie. So…my insides will feel better after I achieve balance and serenity and also eat pie, which sounds about right.

Other than the shuffling problem, I have a small gripe about the deck. In the booklet, each card is numbered but the cards themselves are not, so when I’m trying to determine the meaning of “A Coffin Full of Tacos Full of Snakes” I have to skim around for ages trying to find it in the booklet.

I recommend this deck for anyone with a sense of humor, who is willing to tolerate some affectionate fun at the expense of the mystical, and who is also able to laugh at cards like “The Dildo Maker” and “The Pantsless Beekeeper.”

I’m having so much fun with this deck. Somedays I just have to accept that I will be dealing with “Infinite Cosmic Mess” and call it a day. Get this for that one super-weird friend you have.

And don’t worry about my health because I for sure will take a day off and eat pie in the near future, as advised, and you should too.

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