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ASK THE WIZARD – Animal Magnetism

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Greetings feeble whatever-you-are, tis I, Ulesorin the Green returned to you once more with wisdom beyond your mortal ken. 

You shall all be happy to hear that remedial construction work upon my new tower is now underway, and I find myself unwelcome there for the time being. As such, I have elected to take some rest and relaxation at the local hot-springs. While the initial temperature on offer as a result of the volcanic activity beneath the surface of this blighted land was rather tame to the tastes of a dragon rider, a few well placed fireballs have resulted in a far more pleasant temperature, with the added bonus that I now have the whole resort to myself.

Anyway, back to your nonsense, whatever it is.


Dear Ulesorin,

My local wizard’s club is requiring us each to produce an amalgamate abomination in the tradition of owlbears and froghemoths. I was thinking of a bumbletoad but wondered if you had any better suggestions.



Scintillus Mages Club

Junior Member


Dear Elster,

While the prospect of a bumbletoad is certainly quite appealing from an aesthetic perspective, one must think about the resultant dripping. When a toad drools slime, it has but a short distance to fall, and is liable to trouble only the ants on the earth. When a toad drools slime from a height of twelve-feet or higher, it rapidly becomes everyone’s problem.

Now I should warn the laymen to the Arcane Arts that the conversation to follow is liable to become a little technical, but worry not, as far as you are concerned, centaurs and owlbears are the result of illicit interspecies sylvan love affairs. Do not concern yourself with the idea that wizards might be creating them for their own dubious purposes. That is most assuredly not what is happening.

With that covered, I would propose considering something truly outlandish if you want to impress. Ideally something that can do substantial property damage. As you know, we wizards definitely do not create hideous chimeric beasts to defend our towers and treasures, but if we were to do so, the ones that are graded most highly are those that could really knock an adventuring party around. I mean, completely wreck their day. Destroy them.

As such, perhaps you should consider something large, but unusual. Perhaps something like a rhinoceros crossed with a serpent so that it’s nose can extend out like some great whip. Maybe even a cobra, so that the hood that it raises could be converted into gigantic ears to assist with balance.

Failing that, perhaps you should consider a serpent and horse combination, taking the pattern scales and applying them to the fuzzy skin, and instead of extending the nose, extending the neck to some ridiculously precarious length. Mayhaps it would be less destructive, but there could be no denying it would help with adventurers up in hard to reach places?

No? Okay, then here is my final pitch. Grab yourself an angel, or otherwise similar celestial being from one of the positive energy planes, then pick up your fishing rod and get down to the creek. Cross the resultant fish with the divine creature of the heavens and you shall have the most fearsome of all dungeon defenders. A holy carp.



Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who firmly believes that arson is the best medicine.

The post ASK THE WIZARD – Animal Magnetism appeared first on The Fantasy Hive.

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