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Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E7: Pudding is Drunk

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http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/ElyseBachelorette-150x125.pngWelcome to this week’s recap of The Bachelorette.

Pudding pre-gamed tonight’s episode and…


She’s drunk.


Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Greg (who already had a one-on-one). Katie (or, rather, a bunch of PAs) set up Katie’s Place Market to look like Pike’s Place Market in Seattle where Katie is from.

Katie tries to shoot a raw oyster, gags, and has to spit it out behind a plant. They toss around a fake fish and then they play some football.


Katie tells Greg he makes her giddy. They talk about Hometowns and Greg says he hasn’t introduced anyone to his mom in a long time.

Back at the hotel, Michael Facetimes his son. He talks about how it’s getting harder and harder to be away from his kid (I thought they weren’t allowed family calls, but maybe there’s an exception for kids?).

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Katie tells Greg she can tell that group dates make him uncomfortable and she’s scared he’s going to leave. Greg says that he’s insecure because he was bullied in middle school, but that he’s falling in love with her. She gives him the date rose.

Then they use a rain machine to simulate a Seattle downpour and they make out in the rain. That seems like a really great use of water resources in the desert, but okay.

Back at the hotel, Mike and Brendan are worried because they haven’t had one-on-one dates yet.  When they get the group date card, Brendan realizes he won’t get a one-on-one. He doesn’t understand why he’s still there because they’ve had no alone time together. He goes to Katie’s room to talk to her.

Katie tells him she feels a connection to him, but that “because of Hometowns being next week, I don’t know if we can get there in time.” She said she doesn’t feel like it’s fair to put him through another group date.

Bye Brendan.


The next morning they go to an art show by artist Jacqueline Secor whose paintings are very vaginal. Then they men have to create a piece of art inspired by Katie.


Andrew paints a picture of himself eating sushi for… reasons?

The last time Blake had to do an art related challenge (on Tayshia’s season) he made a clay penis. This time we don’t know what he paints because they have to black it out. Everyone loses their shit so apparently it’s funny.

During the cocktail party, Blake tells Katie, “I’m not in love right now, but the way we’re going it’s fucking inevitable.”

Katie doesn’t look thrilled with that. I mean what woman doesn’t want to be an inevitability?

Later Katie and Michael talk about his son and if he’s comfortable with Katie meeting him. Katie says that every time she gives Michael a rose, she’s giving one to James too.

Andrew tells Katie he’s worried because his football career might be over or they might have to live in separate places if it’s not. He recreates their weird ass one-on-one date with a bunch of lights and a note telling Katie he’s falling in love with her.

The group date rose goes to Michael. Andrew looks crushed.

“I definitely felt it was just us tonight, and it hurts,” Andrew says.

The next day is Mike’s one-on-one. Katie says she never thought she’d date a virgin. “It’s obvious Mike P and I have emotional connection. Today’s about pushing out of our comfort zone and seeing if we have a physical connection.”

They meet up with a woman named Cuddle Queen Jean who is a “cuddle expert.”

I am not making this up.


The Cuddle Queen has them cuddle in varying positions while they giggle nervously. At one point Mike reflects that Katie is a nurturer and he likes nurturers.

“She reminds me of my mom,” he says.

Jesus Christ.


“My mom brings a nurturing touch to everything, and when I was younger, my mom and my sisters when my dad was at work, they’d be watching TV, and my mom would be scratching my head and I’d be passed out sleeping,” Mike continues much to my horror. “Like that physical touch is everything to me.”


He doesn’t stop.

“My mom is the best woman I know, but Katie is a better cuddler. There’s no question about it. My mom’s gonna hate me for saying that, but at some point every boy’s gotta move on.”


He's got issues


Katie gets teary eyed and tells Mike she’s just not in the same place with him as she is with other guys. She sends him home before they even get to the dinner they can’t eat.

“I said I wanted a good guy and then I get handed a group of them. How hard is it to navigate good guy after good guy after good guy. It makes this so difficult,” Katie says.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Greg and Michael have roses, so that means Blake, Andrew and Justin are at risk. One guy will go home, and next week Katie will meet the families are the final four.

Blake wonders if telling her he wasn’t in love with her was a mistake.

It doesn’t matter apparently because he gets the first rose. The last rose goes to Justin. Andrew is crushed.


Katie walks Andrew out and said that she’s so sorry because she couldn’t give him what he deserved and was building stronger connections with the other guys. She tells him he deserves to find a great love.

“It’s bittersweet but please know I’ll forever hold you dear in my heart,” Andrew says.

They hug and he gets in the limo of tears.

The next morning Katie is debating her decision to send Andrew home when there’s a knock at the door, and hey, it’s Andrew. He said he didn’t want to leave without them both having a smile on their faces.

“Saying goodbye to you was really hard. I hope you know it wasn’t an easy decision,” she says.

Andrew says she’s incredible, and they hug once more before he leaves. He gives her a letter as leaves. The note says, “If you change your mind, I’ll be waiting.”

Katie leaves her room and chases after him. She says she just wants to give him a hug. Andrew still leaves.

I’m going to go make sure Pudding is hydrating.

Are you still watching?

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