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ASK THE WIZARD – Bite Me


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What is a wizard without a tower? Like a hermit crab without a shell, I should say. Lost and devoid of his natural countenance. So how grand is it then to see Ulesorin the Green restored to a teetering construct of abnormal height? His unstocked libraries, laboratories and study swaying gently in the breeze, higher than the mountains, as he frantically reinforces everything with spells since the contractors did such a bloody awful job.

Don’t hire goblins to build things. Just don’t. They think that spit and mortar are interchangeable. If you learn nothing else from this moon’s missive, then let it be that. 

Dwarves are the way to good. Those people have a head for right angles. Alas they will no longer accept my commissions following that rather unpleasant falling out regarding ownership of the Hammer of Hzargrok. A falling out that was entirely one-sided I might add. I bore them no ill-will despite the army that they deployed against me in their attempts to retrieve it, and the only fireballs that I cast upon them were the swift-burning kind that caused a minimal amount of anguish before detonating. You can’t say fairer than that, surely? And if it were such an important and hallowed relic, then why had they left it lying down there at the bottom of a dusty old dungeon full of traps and golems for so many years? Surely if it was important it would have been on a pedestal somewhere. 

Finders’ keepers. That is the rule of the dungeon. And if they had chosen to approach me in a polite manner and requested the return of their relic in exchange for some magical materials of similar value, or even an IOU for some tower construction work, you know I would have been more than happy to make an exchange! I am above all else a reasonable man.

Anyway, you did not come here to listen to me recount ancient grudges of dwarfkind, you have come here to have your questions answered.

***

What does a wizard taste like? All that arcane might must season the meat, surely?

Anonymous

***

What does a wizard taste like!? Why don’t you find out by coming over here and licking my entire *REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS*

You cannot seriously expect me to answer this question. Really. I know that my agreements with he court stipulates that I shall endeavour to give answer to any letter that is sent my way, but surely something like this is beyond the pale. When I get my hands on *REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS*

Alright. I am perfectly calm. I am perfectly in control of my temper. There is no need for any sort of court mandated sanction, I shall answer the letter.

As I am not a cannibal or an ogre I cannot attest to the flavour of wizard flesh. However I can make some suppositions based upon other meals that I have endured throughout the years. 

It is my experience that anything with as much hair as a wizard is generally rather unpleasant to eat. Beards would get tangled amidst your teeth, furballs will stick in your throat, and that isn’t even getting into the sequins and gemstones that we have stitched onto our robes, or the golden threads outlining arcane symbols upon them, all in all I would have to say that to eat a wizard would be a bad idea for that reason alone.

Now when it comes to meat itself, there are matters to consider with regards to age. It is with good reason that beasts of the field are slaughtered young. The longer that you wait to kill and consume something, the stringier, tougher and more generally unpleasant its meat becomes. Why after a mere decade mutton can become impenetrable to human teeth. Consider then the flesh of a creature that lives to be thousands upon thousands of years old, how foul a texture such a body would have. No. I would strongly suggest seeking out something younger and more supple for your dinner.

If you are seeking something with an arcane tang, then perhaps you might set your sights upon one of the many magical beasts that roam the earth, or if you remain intent upon something humanoid, I cannot help but feel like the flesh of an elf would be the most delectable and soft, given the smoothness of their exteriors, and the languid lives they lead. 

Of course if you are specifically seeking wizard meat for your dining, might I suggest Illuin the Blue? He is young for a wizard, barely into his fourth century, and he is a complete and utter arse. So he would not be missed.

Regardless, please do not write to me again, you strange vile creature.

***

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Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower kept vertically primarily through hope.

The post ASK THE WIZARD – Bite Me appeared first on The Fantasy Hive.

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