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Murder Between Realms - Matt Leyshon - Adult/Dark Fantasy (whodunit)


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Hello Everybody,

Pasted below is my opening scene for my story. It introduces the victim, a suspect, and The Zenith, the location for most of this tale. All feedback is greatly appreciated. Further in this first chapter a pivotal character is introduced and the protagonist comes into the story at he beginning of chapter 2. I'd love to share more, but keeping it to the opening scene for now, Cheers guys!

 

Day One:

The Zenith was synonymous with death, particularly during times of war. Murder was unprecedented.

 Serving as a gateway for all walks of life, passing from one kingdom to the next, The Zenith was a peaceful place for centuries. Permanent residents occupy the modest settlement inside the great fortress’ walls, while temporary accommodations are available for those with short term plans or simply passing through. Whatever their path or direction, The Zenith is a sanctuary for all comers.

The murdered girl changed all of that. 

***** 

Rain pounded down, saturating anything uncovered on the Upper Level, transforming the Rim Road to slush. Sarmras, a humble peddler and a regular visitor of The Zenith, trudged through the mud toward the Southern Gate, burdened by the weight of a backpack, containing his possessions. Each footstep sinking deeper into the road than the next, his feet becoming harder to retrieve with every lunge.

“I can’t get out of this place soon enough”, he said to himself, bringing his eyes up to determine how much further. The colossal wooden gate was near, but currently locked, as was the custom for both entry/exit points during the moonset hours. The Kosolm Mountains dwarfed The Zenith from two sides. Above and around the peaks, portentous clouds could be made out, their presence obvious by the lashing they were handing to the famous citadel below. Sarmras hoped the emerging dawn might part the dreariness and end the persistent rain teeming down on him and his burden. He needed to justify his decision to leave this early, if even to himself.

The mountain range ran from coast to coast, creating a natural border. The immense alps too tall and too cold at their apex to traverse on foot. The Zenith was the only way through to either kingdom by land. Once at the gate, he could dry off as an appointed registrar would set up and the nomad could sign his departure record into the visitors’ ledger, something he had done many times. He passed frequently from realm to realm, acquiring and trading wares from both kingdoms. Hauvnath, the kingdom that lay north of The Zenith, and Dimyrr to the south, which was where he was headed this time.

Completely soaked, Sarmras arrived at the girl’s feet. He’d seen her multiple times during his visits, and remembered Silete by her distinctive long white hair and a skin that was paler than bones. She was faced down in the mud. He assumed, given his encounters with her were in The Tavern, she was drunk and passed out. Silete’s clothes were sodden, clinging to her skinny frame.

Sarmras turned her over to check on her welfare, quivering from his gruesome discovery. Her eyes had been cut out, both sockets now filled with wet mud from The Zenith floor seeping down her pallid face like dark tears.

He reeled away in horror, the momentum and weight of his pack caused him to fall backwards into the mud. Not caring that everything he owned was now covered in remnants of the Rim Road, he looked at her closer. Sarmras noticed her fingers on both hands had been sliced off. Struggling to regain his feet he whipped his head around but could not see anybody else at this early hour.

He knew how The Zenith functioned. If there was trouble, a Prefect should be notified.

Dropping his heft into the slop Sarmras ran away from the victim, in search for help. He knew a Prefect needed to be woken at once so they could bear witness to the crime and decide any course of action to follow.

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I think you have a solid fantasy beginning with the naming and world details. I was clear that the protagonist was leaving, but I didn't know why since The Zenith was considered a sanctuary until the girls death or where he/she hoped to go. You could consider if the description of how the mountains go from coast to coast paragraph is an info dump. I think the scene of finding the girl's body is enough to focus on, and possibly how that changes The Zenith from being a sanctuary. I thought the protagonist's reaction to the murder was spot on. I think the last bit after the reaction could be made punchier and part of the reaction if that makes sense. The protagonist seems to analytical in the situation for the "knew how The Zenith functioned" paragraph. Running sounds like the right reaction to me. 

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