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Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E10: I am Not Making This Up


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http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/ElyseBachelor-150x125.pngHappy Bachelor day.

It’s Fantasy Suites night which means, thank the Rose God, we are nearing the end.

Pudding had her first vet visit (with us anyway) and other than arthritis, she is a healthy girl. She’s on meds for that and seems much more content.

She likes to supervise my knitting. She also asks for nose kisses now.

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So we’re down to three women: Bri (who quit her job for the show), Michelle and Rachael. When we open all three of them are awkwardly talking to each other when Chris Harrison shows up (to make everything worse). The first overnight date is going to Michelle.

But before that Matt decides to have a sit down chat with his father, who wasn’t around when Matt was growing up. He wants an understanding of what happened between his parents because their separation has informed his relationships.

Rachel Lindsay said later that the conversation shouldn’t have aired and I agree. It’s clearly dredging up a lot of childhood trauma, and I’m not going to go into it other than to say this should have happened in therapy, not on TV.

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Jesus. I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight but I just cracked a Whiteclaw.

Click for me

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So then we get to Michelle’s date. She and Matt are doing a “traditional Pennsylvania Dutch spa day.”

They go into a building where there’s a big tub filled with what looks like milk, a smaller tub filled with either wet cat food, oatmeal or a combo, and a taxidermy bear overseeing it all. Random fur pelts are thrown around for ambiance.

Am I asleep right now? Am I dreaming this shit?

I'm so confused

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So they soak their feet in the oatmeal/cat food tub. Then there’s this entire pyramid of butter someone brings in and they massage each other with it.

I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS SHIT UP.

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So here’s my theory, some PA has just fucking had it. They’re done with this show. So they drink a six pack of Whiteclaw (I’m gonna say lime) and put together this absurd fucking date as their big FU to the whole franchise.

This PA, his name is now Chad, is like “Fuck you, Rose God. I missed Christmas with my family for this garbage.”

So Chad is assigned to put together an overnight date, and fueled by Whiteclaw, just fucking empties out the dairy section of the local grocery store (he took an Uber, don’t worry). Gallons of milk. Stacks of butter. Then he looks at this empty tub, but he’s run out of dairy products. The butter is starting to melt. Fancy Feast it is.

Then Chad shotguns another Claw, gives the world the finger, and goes somewhere to sleep it off after booking a flight home.

That’s the best I’ve got anyway.

So once they’ve showered off the saturated fats, Michelle and Matt sit among the fur pelts and talk.

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Matt comments on the fact that Michelle’s parents have been married for 30 years, which is what he wants. So it makes total sense he’s looking for his wife on a reality tv show. Michelle tells Matt he’s her person. Then they retire to what my husband calls “the bang bang room.” She tells him she loves him, but he doesn’t say anything back. Instead he just kisses her.

AWKWARD.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the hotel Rachael is freaking out because Matt is with another woman. “My worst nightmare is him spending the night with someone else,” she says.

HAVE NONE OF YOU WATCHED THIS SHOW?

The next morning Rachael asks Michelle, “What did you guys do?”

Michelle tells her and Bri about the butter situation and describes it as “memorable.”

Rachael starts crying. I’m not sure if it’s butter related.

The next date goes to Bri who meets Matt in the woods. They go hiking, and both admit they haven’t been camping before.

There are a lot of “pitching a tent” jokes.

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Then they go back to the hotel for the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat. She asks him if he’s really ready to be engaged in such a short time. He said talking to his dad helped him address his issues around commitment. Later they retire to the Fantasy Suite.

The next morning they make breakfast and there’s a shot of butter melting in a pan. IS BUTTER SPONSORING THIS SHOW?

Rachael breaks down crying because another woman spent the night with Matt. Then it’s time for her date. They’re going to make ceramics.

Rachael is still super upset and it’s all very tense and awkward.

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Rachael tells him the week was excruciating for her and that she’s completely in love with him. Again, he just kisses her and doesn’t say it back. They go back to making pottery. Do they try and reenact Ghost? Yes. Is the pottery instructor totally exhausted with people doing this? Also yes.

During dinner Matt brings up the conversation with his dad again. I’m thinking Matt is still processing. Rachael tells him she’s 100% ready to start a life with him. They retire to the bedroom.

We go to commercial and cut to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

After a lot of dramatic music, Bri is sent home.

Are you still watching?

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