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ASK THE WIZARD – Zen and the Art of Goblin Maintenance

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Ask the Wizard

Hearken now, mere mortals, for these are words scribed by no mere amphibian. Nay, this quill be betwixt the elegant if somewhat wrinkled fingers of Ulesorin the Green, mightiest mage in all the lands. The fact that I must don the sewn costuming of a newt on occasions such as every time I wish to leave my private chambers is in now way a reflection on my own newtliness.

Yes, my beloved readers, it is true. Using the most tried and tested methods of curse breaking – waiting several months for it to wear off on its own – I have been returned to my bearded and bipedal form, providing me with the very hands that I now use to write this missive.

In the beginning, I was of course delighted, before realising that my rather tenuous position as patriarch of a reptilian army may be compromised somewhat by my return to form. In the aftermath of this momentary panic, my new costumery was undertaken by candle-light and a swift illusory charm was applied to make my children believe me to be a mere newt of unusual girth. As it turns out, dragon-spawn are not actually all that attentive, so I have since begun leaving the illusion off and simply donning the outfit. It works. For some reason.

Regardless, you must tell me of your troubles, not listen as we tarry upon my far more cosmically significant ones. What troubles you mortals of the earth?


My kittens have bonded with my husband and prefer him to me. How can I insinuate myself into their graces and earn their favour? I have attempted to do so with food and treats but are there any other methods I might employ?

Lonely For Cat Cuddles.


My dearest Lonely,

Have you considered constructing a full adult-sized cat costume to help you ingratiate yourself into their good graces? It seems to work wonders with reptile-men of limited intellect, and what pray tell is a cat if not a small lizard-man of limited intellect?

I must admit that my own encounters with cat-kind have been rather more fraught than merely being ignored. Typically they are the minions of the most evil of wizards, and as such are usually accompanied by curses, lightning bolts and rude comments. The cat is not a suitable familiar for those of good moral standing, given their own amorality, their nature as destroyers of all things that are not nailed down, and of course the heart of chaos that dwells beneath their purring. As such I may have to apply lessons learned from other, less terrifying creatures to your situation.

Goblins are, I believe, in fundamental nature, rather similar to your average cat. Though the goblin is of course equipped with thumbs, allowing them some degree of independence, rather than necessitating the enslavement of other sentient beings so that they might feast on the fruit of their labour. To befriend a goblin, one simply gives them something shiny and promise future shiny things.

As we have established that bribery is ineffective in your case, we must move on to the next option.

Resist your natural urge to approach the goblin, uh hairy goblin, cat. Instead, sit very still, appearing as small as possible to the goblin, who cannot comprehend a being capable of changing its dimensions. Then allow the goblin to approach you. Do not make any sudden sounds or movements. Allow the goblin to settle into the space, and with time it shall begin to approach you.

Observe the things that the goblin likes, and attempt to be more like them. Observe the things that the goblin does not care for, and have your adversary for their affections inflict those upon it, driving it further from him and into your waiting arms.

Before you know it, you shall have more goblins than you even need to populate your dungeon!

Wait, what was the question again?


Ask the Wizard

Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who can only interact with his family while wearing a potato-sack newt costume.

The post ASK THE WIZARD – Zen and the Art of Goblin Maintenance appeared first on The Fantasy Hive.

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