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Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E5: Ashley V


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http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/ElyseBachelor-150x125.pngHappy Wednesday people! It’s Bachelor time!

When we open Queen Victoria and Kit are taking a walk, and Victoria is complaining about the new girls. “I love the OGs and the house was so great until these new people came. Like I don’t think anything of them. And the new girls were like, ‘yeah it’s been really hard,’ and I’m like what? We haven’t even started the hazing process.”

Yeah, she’s…great.

Nah.

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So then we cut to the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Matt starts by addressing the bullying going on in the house.

“If you have to belittle someone else to shine, then you don’t have the qualities I’m looking for in a wife,” he says.

He pulls Brittany aside. She tells him, in tears, that Anna has been telling people she’s an escort.

Matt asks to talk to Anna. She says, “The worst thing I could say was said, and I immediately felt awful about it.”

Matt tells her he doesn’t think she’s an awful person and he’s said things he regretted too, but that he doesn’t see her as “part of the journey” anymore. Anna starts crying.

Not being part of the journey is like the worst thing you can say in Bachelor lingo.

Click for Anna

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In the Limo of Tears Anna says she just wants to go cry in the shower, which, ironically is one of my new pandemic hobbies.

After seeing Anna being walked out, a bunch of the women start apologizing to the new girls. Queen Victoria, who right before the commercial called one of the women (I couldn’t tell who) “disgusting,” apologizes to Catalina for stealing her crown.

Ryan tells Matt that when Queen Victoria learned she was a dancer/choreographer she called her a ho.

Matt tells the camera, “Through all the antics I thought Victoria had a big heart, but there’s just no excuse for that kind of behavior.”

So then Queen Victoria asks to talk to Matt.

“When you said Ryan was a ho for being a dancer…” he starts.

She interrupts him. “That was completely taken out of context.”

But how, though?

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“I’m just curious, what context would calling someone a ho be acceptable to be taken in?” Matt asks.

Queen Victoria doesn’t reply, she just plays with her hair. Matt stands up and walks away.

“Am I missing something here?” Queen Victoria asks.

Um, yes. Yes you are.

So then Chris Harrison materializes from the ether, glee on his face as he absorbs the negative emotional energy, and announces that the cocktail party is over and it’s TIME FOR ROSE PEOPLE.

Queen Victoria is freaking out. She’s taken off her shoes, cried off her mascara, and is hiding in the bathroom. The camera person films the door of the bathroom and we hear her freaking out inside. Like, what if she just had to poop, dude?

So then, clutching a glass of champagne, she marches outside. She’s talking to no one. She calls Ryan “the shadiest bitch” and says that ,”Literally there’s no one he can marry besides me. I’m literally the best option for him and I’m the only one with a working brain in this room.”

I would like to reiterate she is sitting on the stairs, outside, talking to no one. Full-on conversation with a potted plant going on.

So then I started to wonder, what if the hotel is haunted and this whole time we’ve thought she’s been erratic and weird, Queen Victoria has been interacting with a ghost no one else can see? I’m going to call this ghost Ashley V.

Anyway, Queen Victoria tells Ashley V that if she’s sent home she will “literally die.”

Probably not, but okay.

Then we cut to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Queen Victoria doesn’t get a rose and we endure the most awkward departure ever.

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She has full-on murder eyes and keeps her arms crossed as she strides forward to say goodbye to Matt. “I honestly feel so sorry for you that you would listen to hearsay and not not all of the facts behind a situation.”

I mean, there’s actual camera footage of her doing this shit. What does she think the camera crew are doing there?

There’s a pause where they just stare at each other.

“So, goodbye,” she chirps.

Later, she tells the camera that Matt is a “jester” and that the entire house will miss her.

He also sent home Catalina, Mari and Lauren.

The next day the women are kind of cuddled up on the couches looking emotionally hungover. One of the women is either drinking a flat cola out of a wine glass or has started with the brown liquor kinda early.

The one-on-one date goes to Rachael. Matt tells her that he’s going to spoil her. They go to a store where macarons and champagne have been set out. Celebrity stylist Ty Hunter is there to help them pick out clothes.

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There’s one of these shopping dates every season and the woman always acts like the Bachelor is spending his own personal money on her which…

Come on

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During dinner Rachael tells Matt she doesn’t think she’s good enough for him and she’s insecure. Then she follows it up by telling him she’s in love with him.

Matt says he feels the same way (I’m assuming he means in love not insecure). They make out noisily and she gets the date rose.

The next day the group date is set on a farm. They muck out stalls. MJ reflects this is her fourth group date and she’s “not thrilled.” She tries to milk a goat and the goat isn’t having it.

Matt makes out with Piper for awhile while the other women look around uncomfortably.

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During the cocktail hour Abigail tells him she feels defeated and she’s afraid of disappointing Matt because there’s a strong possibility if she had children they’d be deaf too.

Oh, honey.

Between that and Rachael saying she doesn’t feel worthy of Matt, I propose that the rest of the season is just these women getting the therapy they clearly need.

Moira Rose Knows

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Michelle tells Matt that it’s hard being on a group date after being on a one-on-one.

Later Matt tells MJ that her name came up in the bullying allegations. She asks the other women if any of them feel like she’s a bully.

Jessenia tells her that she did mention to Matt that MJ made the new girls uncomfortable by referring to them as the JV team. MJ says that Jessenia needs to keep her name out of her mouth and apologize.

Katie agrees with Jessenia and MJ tells them they’re attacking her.

OMG

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Later Matt gives the date rose to Abigail.

The next night Matt has a one-on-one date with Kit. They hang out at Matt’s place and make cookies. Kit talks about how she and her mom like to cook together. Her mom is fashion designer Cynthia Rowley, and she says having a famous mom made her feel like she has to keep her walls up.

Kit tells him she’s falling in love with him and he gives her the date rose.

Back at the hotel, a note is delivered that says MJ and Jessenia should meet Matt before the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party so he can find out the truth.

They sit on opposite couches and glare at each other. “This is embarrassing. I am embarrassed to be here but I am here because you said my name,” MJ says.

“The only reason your name was even mentioned, MJ, was because you started the term JV versus varsity,” Jessenia says.

Then they shout over each other for awhile and…

Click for me RN

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Matt walks in and that’s where we end. Are you watching?

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