Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E4: Squirrel Fetish

[Artemis Gordon]

http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/ElyseBachelor-150x125.pngWelcome to whatever day it is.

Quarantimes are weird, but it’s time for The Bachelor which is guaranteed to make it weirder.

We open with Matt lamenting that Sarah went home because he was developing feelings for her…you know after one date and like two total hours spent together.

I mean...

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Back at the drinking couches, MJ says that Sarah bailed when things got hard, and Queen Victoria says, “The trash took itself out.”

Katie is pissed, but she’s also the only person who knows that part of the reason Sarah went home was because her dad is dying of ALS (for the record, I’ve seen a couple unverified articles that allege Sarah was told she’d have more communication with her family because of his health, and then found out that wasn’t the case when they started filming. Normally contestants have no contact with home during filming).

She basically says Sarah’s gone so they need to stop complaining about her.

“No, I won’t stop Katie, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want,” Queen Victoria says.

UPDATE ON THE EYE SITUATION. It’s a stye. It looks real painful.

“Well, you can keep being toxic and rude about it…” Katie says.

“No, I’m not toxic,” says Queen Victoria. “OMG, shut up Katie. Literally.”

I’m confused because suddenly we’re back on a group date with Matt. Time has no meaning at the Necronomicon, I guess?

Back at the hotel, Queen Victoria asks to talk to Katie. “I just didn’t like when you shot me down during group conversation and I feel like you’ve done that on multiple occasions,” she says.

“Are you talking about when you were calling Sarah names?” Katie asks.

“I would just really like an apology,” Queen Victoria says.

“You’re not going to get an apology,” Katie scoffs.

Katie tells her she’s toxic and rude.

“If you want to express yourself with your dildo and think you’re ready for an engagement you can do that,” Queen Victoria says.

IT’S A VIBRATOR.

“I love my vibrator!” Katie says. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do coming at me about my vibrator. I’m very confident about what I want to do with my life. You’re just showing how insecure you are.”

She asks Queen Victoria what she’s trying to accomplish here. We have a long and painful silence as the camera focuses on Victoria’s stye.

 

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Katie isn’t here for this shit

“I mean, I think you’re being rude to me,” Victoria finally says.

“If you’re being a bitch, I’m going to tell you you’re being a bitch,” Katie says.

Back on the group date I didn’t remember happening, Chelsea gets the group date rose.

Then we’re at the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. WTF is with this editing?

Chris Harrison pulls Matt aside and they go outside. The other women freak out that Sarah might be back. Because he thrives on chaos, and on my personal pain and suffering, Chris announces that they’re introducing more women.

WTF

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We meet Brittany, a model from Chicago, who immediately starts making out with Matt. The other women watch from the windows. Catalina shows up. She’s Miss Puerto Rico Universe. She’s got her tiara and sash on.

“Catalina, come here, I would love to meet you,” Queen Victoria says. “I’m Victoria, the queen, and I should have that crown actually.”

Catalina gives it to her, Queen Victoria wears it for a moment, then tosses it aside.

Queen Victoria just needs to leave, but of course she won’t because the producers love this petty middle school shit.

In total five new women are added.

Anna and Queen Victoria are the most upset about the new women.

So then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Matt sends Kim, Kaili and Khaylah home. Is he eliminating them alphabetically? Who knows!

The next day former Bachelor Ben Higgins shows up to help with the group date. Ben didn’t wind up staying with his Bachelor fiancée so I have no idea why he’s here. It’s like, “And here’s a human reminder that THIS DOESN’T ACTUALLY WORK!”

So Ben sets up the “Fall in Love” autumn themed obstacle course. First they have to row across a pond in a giant, carved out pumpkin. Then they need to put on a squirrel costume and dig through a pile of leaves for a plush acorn. Finally it’s a foot race to the finish line.

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Mari wins the competition, but I think the real winner here is whatever producer did edibles and was like, “Where the fuck can we get ten adult sized squirrel costumes in five days?” (Cut to some poor intern sobbing in a corner while hand sewing this shit together. “I did not major in drama for this!”)

During the cocktail party Brittany interrupts Anna talking to Matt and Anna gets real mad. Anna does this weird thing where she talks while smiling really big and not moving her mouth. It’s like she’s snarling and smiling at once. We had friends who had a golden retriever who did that and it was equally unnerving. We called it “sniling.”

This was the best picture I could find of it.

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Maybe she’s just hoping for a Crest White Stripes promo when this is over?

Back on the drinking couches Anna tells the other women that there’s a rumor that “because [Brittany] knows all of the rich men in Chicago, she’s an escort.”

I’m confused. I would assume that the Chicago metro area contains more than a few rich men. Like I’m going to say more than 12 for sure. So how do you know that Brittany knows all of them? Why is knowing rich men automatically connected to sex work? Also don’t people of all classes pay sex workers?

ALSO, STOP SHAMING SEX WORKERS. Even if she is an escort, who the fuck cares? You’re on a dating show with like thirty other women humiliating yourself with the hope of ending up engaged to a dude you don’t know and will probably break up with and if you’re super fucking lucky you might get a gig with Dancing with the Stars. Frankly all of that is more to unpack than someone earning an income as an escort.

Like if someone was all, “put on this squirrel costume,” you better be paying me for your squirrel fetish rather than me making an ass of myself for the chance to get five minutes alone with a dude on reality TV. I have fucking standards.

Also now someone is going to Google “squirrel fetish” and get this recap so that’s fun for Sarah.

[Sarah: Consensual play is always cool. Be yourself in all your awesomeness.] 

The date rose goes to Bri.

Anna confronts Brittany about being an escort.

“Wait, you were telling people in the house that?” Brittany asks.

“I think that’s an awful thing to say about someone and I want to apologize,” Anna says, despite having just shared this with everyone.

“No, I’m not an escort. It’s so ridiculous to even have that come out of my mouth,” Brittany says. “I just feel like everyone’s against me right now.”

“Okay then get out of the house,” Queen Victoria says and laughs.

The next day the escort rumor is all over the house. Meanwhile the one-on-one date goes to Michelle.

Matt tells her that Chris Harrison set up an extreme scavenger hunt for them. If it’s Chris Harrison and an extreme scavenger hunt, then I’m guessing the clues are spelled out with human bones.

Much to my disappointment they just have to zipline and ride in a hot air balloon. Lame.

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During dinner Michelle talks about being a teacher from Minnesota and how hard the year has been with COVID and George Floyd’s death happening close to home, especially for her students of color. At the end of the night Matt gives her the date rose.

The next day it’s the group date and Mia St. John is teaching the women to box. Chris Harrison and Wells Adam announce five matches. Matt stops the competition and gets uncomfortable when Serena P. gets hit really hard. Apparently he didn’t know boxing involves people hitting each other in the face.

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Back at the hotel Anna and Queen Victoria are laying on a couch talking about  how Catalina is “the dumbest ho I’ve ever met” and “Brittany might be a whore.”

Later Katie talks to Matt about how toxic the house is and she’s worried the rumors could ruin some of the girls’ lives (Brittany specifically).

That’s where the episode ends. Are you still watching?

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