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Elyse Watches the Bachelor–S25 E3: Turtle Power

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http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/WP/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/ElyseBachelor-150x125.pngWe ended last episode with The Dreaded Rose Ceremony and Sarah almost fainting. When we open up the ceremony has been delayed and Sarah is being tended to by a medic. The other women are annoyed with her because they think she faked it or worked herself up so she could get more alone time with Matt.

In their defense, she does walk around talking about her vision going black which seems like a thing you should sit down for. I fainted once and I don’t think I was very ambulatory during the process.

When the Rose Ceremony resumes Matt sends home Marylynn, Alana, Illeana, Kristen and Sydney.

The next day is the group date which Chris Harrison says is designed to push Matt out of his comfort zone.

“I love being uncomfortable,” Kit says.


The enter a theater where Ashely I. is on stage reading a sex scene out loud. The sex scene is not good. It’s vague and cliched. There’s buttock cupping. It’s also from Chris Harrison’s romance novel The Perfect Letter which no amount of money or Kraken rum can entice me to read.



The women are amazed Chris Harrison wrote a book (spoiler alert: I’m sure he didn’t actually. No idea who his ghost writer is).

Ashley I. tells the women they are going to write their own love story with Matt and read it out loud to the group.

So then we get to the part where we’re supposed to feel embarrassed because the women are reading sex scenes on stage. The only that embarrasses me is how bad some of this is.

Ladies, you need to read a good romance novel right now.

Matt goes first. His work includes, “She was drawn to the kitchen by a scent so familiar. Mmm. Chocolate cake.”



Anna’s story involves her “pulling down the lace of her bra and exposing her breasts one at a time.” I don’t know why but I have this hilarious mental picture of each of her boobs just popping out one after the other like pop! Pop! Boobies!

Queen Victoria, Bri and Rachael

Bri reads, “She picked up the cold, hard earth and started massaging it up and down the front of his shirt.”

She’s rubbing dirt on him? Cold dirt? WhyDon’t rub dirt on people! At the very least don’t rub cold, hard dirt on people. 

Rachael talks about her “groin.” Girl, it’s okay to say pussy. It really is. It’s a good word.

Katie’s entire story is bleeped out except for conjunctions. She fakes an orgasm on stage. I mean, I assume it’s fake.

Queen Victoria is similarly bleeped out, but involves ass smacking.


During the cocktail hour, a lot of the women talk about the fact that they felt empowered reading about their sexual fantasies.

Meanwhile, back at the Necronomicon, Sarah is freaking out because Matt is dating other people which WHY DID YOU GO ON THIS SHOW?

So she crashes the group date. The other women are annoyed because she already had a one-on-one with Matt.

Also, at this point, Rich and I notice that Queen Victoria is either covering up a black eye or is getting pink eye. It gets progressively redder throughout the show.

This was the best photo of the eye situation I could find

Anyway, Katie is upset Sarah interrupted her time with Matt and keeps poking her head back in asking Sarah to leave, basically. Sarah apologizes to the group, but they’re annoyed.

“Couldn’t you have done this at another time?” someone asks.

They ask why she’s there and she refuses to say.

“I just wanted to let you know why I’m here,” she says.

“You didn’t let us know anything!” several of the women say in unison.

Katie tells her she should have waited to talk to Matt versus take time from the other girls. She says if Sarah thinks she doesn’t want to be there, she should make her decisions to go or stay and stick to it.

Sarah cries because she feels like the other women bullied her.



After all of this, Matt gives the date rose to Rachael.

The next day Serena P. has a one-on-one date with Matt.

“Can you tell Matt that, like, Sarah sucks?” Queen Victoria asks before she leaves.

Before the date Matt goes to talk to Sarah who hasn’t gotten out of bed yet apparently even though her hair and makeup are perfectly done.  He says he has real feelings for her and they make out for awhile.

Once again, the other women are annoyed that Sarah is taking up so much of his time.

Matt and Serena P. go horseback riding and have a picnic. She admits that her dad didn’t want her to go on the show (probably because he’s sane). They start to kiss and are interrupted by, no lie, a donkey that was apparently just hanging around. Then more donkeys show up. They just shove their heads in there, trying to eat the picnic food.

Also there are a lot of turtlenecks on this season. Just an observation.


“Did you have pets growing up?” Serena P. asks.

“I had a turtle,” Matt says.

“Were you a weird kid?” she asks.



Matt says that turtles are good pets and it was like a therapy turtle or something, IDK.

During dinner Matt tells her that he’s never been in love before. Serena says she can see herself falling in love with him. He gives her the date rose and then they make out in a hot tub.

Back at the Necronomicon Sarah comes downstairs after spending all day alone in her room. She apologizes to Katie for interrupting her date, and then apologizes to everyone for hiding in her room. She says she’s overwhelmed by the process.

“If you don’t want to be here,  why are you taking someone else’s rose who wants to be here and trusts the process?” Abigail asks.

Sarah says it’s really hard and Anna says she doesn’t have it hard, she got a one-on-one and had extra time with Matt.

The women aren’t having it. They tell her she’s being selfish.

“Just say you need his validation and you think you’re more important than everyone else’s time,” Queen Victoria says.

Basically the women tell her she’s manipulative and says she’s thinking of leaving in order to get attention from Matt. Kit tells her that she “better have a good connection with Matt” because her living situation is going to be “hell.”



The next day Katie goes to check on Sarah who is still in her room and Sarah said she’s going home. Sarah also tells Katie she’s worried about being away from her dad when she doesn’t know how much time he has left. Katie says her dad died in 2012, and they both cry.  Katie basically says Sarah shouldn’t miss out on time with her dad for this fucking show which yeah.

Katie tells the other girls that Sarah is self-eliminating. She tells the group that Sarah has a family thing, too and asks the ladies to “stay classy.” She said she doesn’t want Sarah to feel bullied off the show.

Sarah talks to Matt and says the other women attacked her and she doesn’t feel welcome, which is pretty different from wanting to go home because she’s worried about her dad. Matt says he doesn’t want to lose her, but Sarah says she’s not ready for this and wants to go home to her family.


And that’s where it ends. Are you still watching?

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