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MingluJiangP6

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About MingluJiangP6

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    Student, history geek, and writer from Detroit, Michigan. My current WIP is a historical fantasy about sorcery in Second Punic War-era Rome.
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  1. Hi Jinju! I like the introduction of Tomxai as he's obviously different from the other magicians, which makes me want to know him more. I love that Jayu means freedom! It's such an effective yet subtle characterization of Yoonis. The firebird scene is extremely intriguing as it makes me want to find out later on what exactly happened. If anything I think you could use less of Yoonis couldn’t bear it, she couldn’t bear it, God, she would give up everything, anything, to take this curse away! as it gets repetitive after a while. Great job overall, and thanks for sharing!
  2. Hi Tylisha! Wow. That was really good. I can just feel the tension rising off the page (or screen, I guess). If anything, I feel like I could use a bit more description of the setting, as I'm having some trouble visualizing the area where Malik gets killed. The tech store kind of popped out of nowhere. The ending is intense and intriguing and I want to see what happens next. It is just a bit rushed in my opinion. Aside from that, all I have are two tiny line edits: -They probably didn't even know what a carbon footprint was, even though children were indoctrinated with climate-chang
  3. Hi Kyle! You did a seriously good job characterizing Alex through the events of this scene. You also have a very effective of painting the setting around the reader so that it's solid and there, but you don't dump details on the reader's head. I'm running out of fun ways to launch into the comments. Here they are: -"Across the street, the fleeting glow of Alex’s cigarette crumbled to ash when she rose, keeping a watchful distance." The way the sentence structured makes it seem like the glow of the cigarette is keeping a watchful distance. "Across the street, the fleeting glow of Ale
  4. Hi Shola! Wow. That really sets the tone for the story. The premise always intrigued me, but after reading this I know I want to see more. I don't expect books to be addicting from the start (first 20 pages in books always take the longest for me to read) and yet yours was. Anyway, get your salt shaker ready for my commentary: -It's the slightest bit confusing who's who at the beginning. It might help to refer to characters by their names more often instead of descriptions (ex. brave captive) so it's easier for the reader to keep track of them. -Charles addressed the young Car
  5. Hi Jinju! Thanks for posting! You did a great job setting up your world. From just these first 500 words, I've already gotten a good sense of how your world works. Yoonis is immediately sympathetic. I felt her anger with the injustice in her world and how it's affected her daughter. I just have a few suggestions. Like I have told everyone I've given feedback, take everything I say with a few grains of salt as I'm still learning. -The feather is otherworldly, immediately introducing the reader to the magical aspect of your world, and plays an important role in the scene, but it may not be
  6. Hi Laura! Thanks for posting. Your writing is lovely, and I'm extremely intrigued by the world you're building here. I love the part with the Kadai guard--it shows immediately whom we should be sympathizing with. I have just a few suggestions, and do take them with several grains of salt as I'm still learning as well: -I want to live in this place, it sounds so beautiful (minus the slavery and cruel imperial guards, of course). Your descriptions are absolutely gorgeous. It might not be the most riveting way to start the chapter though. -Razya is mostly introduced through Hild think
  7. Hi Tatiana! Lucina is sympathetic and fun to read about, and I love her already. The first scene is engaging and the end is intriguing, leaving the reader, like Lucina, to wonder what the hell happened to her. Just a few things, and please take them with several grains of salt as I'm no expert: -If I woke up and found my body in a weightless, feathery condition and I don't recall dying, I would not automatically jump to the conclusion that I am a ghost unless I ardently believed in ghosts during my lifetime. Of course, that might be the case with Lucina, and if it is you might want to sp
  8. Hello, this is my opening scene, which sucks so I hope I can get some suggestions on how to improve it. It introduces (or at least attempts to) the protagonist and antagonistic force, a few secondary characters, and the world and its magic system. Hopefully it's not too confusing or cringeworthy. I apologize if there are any typos. Thank you all so much in advance for the critique! CHAPTER I Winter, the Year of the Consulship of Paullus and Salinator Lydia stopped at the edge of the alleyway, peering through slitted eyes at the Forum. Marcus skidded to a stop behind her. They h
  9. FIRST ASSIGNMENT: write your story statement. Lydia must maintain an uneasy balance between her mission to destroy the Roman army and the Roman soldier she loves, all while grappling with her growing obsession with the latter. SECOND ASSIGNMENT: in 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them. At first, the antagonist force is Lydia’s guild of sorcerers. Though they are Lydia’s family, their goal of revenge against Rome means she must maintain an
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