Laura Neibaur

Revised Chapter One - Introduces the Sifting Ceremony and two main protagonists, Hild and Razzia. CHAPTER 1 Hild looked down the shaft of his arrow through a small gap in the foliage, then readjusted his hand on the grip. He felt his heart beating in his fingers as they held the nock of the arrow just behind the blue and gold fletching. He crouched, ready, waiting, and fearful, for today, the Sifting Ceremony began. Hild watched in mute horror as the dark-armored guards appeared, dragging a young girl from a nearby tent. They shoved her toward the center of the large,

Thank you Jinju! I'm wondering if my first chapter is a little boring? Or at least the first scenes? CHAPTER 1 THE KADAI It was just days into harvest and Hild's neck and cheeks were already stained pink from the sun. He swung the leather satchel of plums over his shoulder and glanced up at the heavy branches above-head. Blue and purple clusters of dark fruits were wreathed in curling, green leaves. Orange rays peaked through thinning mid-morning clouds that swept across thriving green orchards and hayfields, beneath a boundless blue sky. The sight saddened H

Oh I really enjoyed reading the expanded scene. It makes a lot more sense now. There's a deep sense of fear and frustration with Yoonis' situation that makes me want to root for her and Jayu. I want to see if the relic pool worked, and what the blue firebird scene meant. Good job! Thanks for sharing.

Hi Shola, Ok, there were kids around when I read this, so I hope I don't look foolish, but I really, very much enjoyed reading it. I almost had to skip the "burning alive" scene, my worst fear. But I pushed through it. It was so intense. Also, I am not as book or word smart as you, but I do love to get into character's heads and I love descriptions. I felt immediately that Hugues was not really one of them. You did a good job of making him subtly stand out from the rest of the characters in chapter 1. I thought your character development was great. I immediately hated the Pope

I Jinju, I immediately loved the feel of the setting. Beautifully descriptive. I also understood the frustration of Yoonis with her daughter. Even though it was not her daughter's fault, children always love to point out weaknesses or bring out our inner struggles. No one likes to be reminded why we are NOT something we'd like to be. I can say, I have (ashamedly) cursed in from my children a time or two, so I wouldn't necessarily take that out of the story. I think it adds to the drama of her feelings and just how seriously she looks at the situation placed on her by the magicians.

Hi Minglu, I love that your story started off with something action-filled and thrilling. That is my favorite way to get into a story. I got the feel for the drama of the situation right off. I also think you did a great job at describing the action scenes and making them move forward dramatically. I was instantly worried about the woman they were going to torture. I also wanted to know more about the Theikos and who they were, which made me want to keep reading. I also kept reading to find out the relationship between the two protagonists. I would have liked to see the city, clothi

CHAPTER ONE (REVISED) CHAPTER 1 Hild looked down the shaft of his arrow through a small gap in the foliage, then readjusted his hand on the grip. He felt his heart beating in his fingers as they held the nock of the arrow just behind the blue and gold fletching. He crouched, ready, waiting, and fearful, for today, the Sifting Ceremony began. Hild watched in mute horror as the dark-armored guards appeared, dragging a young girl from a nearby tent