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Shola

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    Perfecting the art of getting published.

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  1. “I can do this,” he muttered. “I’m not a coward or a spoiled brat. They’re just people.” He saw Firza turn his head to him from the corner of his eye. “You still with us, Nawaa?” He asked. “Don’t turn yellow on me now, my boy. There’s no going back from here on out until we are done.” “I’m fine.” He pointed to the other three arrow head shaped Waterscrews as they began to gradually get closer. “Sir Pren?” The pilot nodded at Nawaa, having noticed the other sea crafts as well. “Zelib, get up off your rear and help me,” he commanded his partner. “I can’t lock i
  2. I see what you mean. I think the way you describe it here is actually extremely clear and I would use that as a basic starting point. "The Pope's room was in the upper portion of the tower. The prisoners and guards were coming up from the tower's depths into the main hall. The Emperor emerged from the balcony just outside the Pope's room and descended to the main hall as well, halting well before the prisoners." Or something like that. I don't know if main hall is the right word but I like it better than upper level which confuses me because I think of upper levels as not the same as ground fl
  3. Ok, there were kids around when I read this, so I hope I don't look foolish, but I really, very much enjoyed reading it. I almost had to skip the "burning alive" scene, my worst fear. But I pushed through it. It was so intense. Also, I am not as book or word smart as you, but I do love to get into character's heads and I love descriptions. I felt immediately that Hugues was not really one of them. You did a good job of making him subtly stand out from the rest of the characters in chapter 1. I thought your character development was great. I immediately hated the Pope (reminded me o
  4. Hey Laura! I was so late to the party I had to snip out much I’ve my original post as you’ve already addressed it with the others. I enjoyed Hild as a character, he was very relatable and realistic. The imagery was vibrant and efficient, you have a good sense of when to say what and how to say it. Question I have, do you think creating characters that speak “english” without the use of contractions (would’ve/didn’t) deepens the narrative or does more harm than good? Just picking your brain as I’m wondering this for myself. Your writing style is very similar to my own I
  5. Hey Jinju, I like the imagery of the first paragraph. It’s charged with something. With the feather in the foreground, I can almost see it as the cover illustration. I would lessen the amount of “blues” though. Maybe just once and then something with bright. (After the feather was blue,) “It’s brightness/radiance surpassing that of the surrounding clear arctic sky.” Something like that. It gleamed against the red and gold-turned grasses of the tundra, outshining even the lakes and ponds that pooled up every summer on the treeless plains I would rework this sentence, wh
  6. Thanks, Minglu. “It's the slightest bit confusing who's who at the beginning. It might help to refer to characters by their names more often instead of descriptions (ex. brave captive) so it's easier for the reader to keep track of them.” - Noted. This suggestion may help address the issue Jinju brought up about character count. “Charles isn't gurgling in agony, so the sentence should probably be rewritten as Charles addressed the young Cardinal as he stepped over the fetal prisoner who gurgled in agony or something similar.” - Lol now every time I read what I wrote I ca
  7. Hey Jinju! “The burning flesh catches my attention. I am confused though by what's being carried (the scent?) and how a newly opened door can carry a scent. Can you instead say something maybe about the ‘scent wafted through the open door’? Something like that.” - Yes, I can see the potential for confusion here. I envisioned that the scent that was heavily concentrated in the outside being drawn in due to the breach created by the opened door. But just your contribution of that verb opens up a better communication of the idea. I will play with it until a more easily dige
  8. Hey Minglu! Just to start off, the imagery was well done. I was reading it outside and had been sitting on a bench for quite some time and didn’t realize how cold I was until I read the bit establishing setting. That's gotta count for something. This is only the opening so I tried to relegate my suggestions to things that maybe have general application. I will refer to the sections of the narrative that my suggestions apply, hope it doesn't add too much bulk and makes sense for you. "They had followed the shouting and stomping, uncharacteristic of a Forum usually rife wi
  9. Opening scene : immediately introduces antagonist in his true form without cloak or pretense, a side the protagonist does not discover until the middle mark of the book (well after their mutual introduction and frequent visitations). Setting is on the roof of the Papal Palace in Avignon, France at around 1353. Tone is necessary to establish in the reader’s mind the danger the childlike and aloof protagonist is headed toward. ______ A gust of wind marked The Holy Roman Emperor’s entry into the Chambre du Cerf, Pope Clement VI’s favorite room in all the Papal palace. The unmistakable
  10. Name - Shola Adedeji Title(s) - War Gods of Africa, The Hollow Glory of a Dumb Kingdom Genre - Alternate History Comps - • the “what if?” spirit of S.M. Stirling’s Black Chamber series. • the world building of Guy Gavriel Kay’s The Lions of Al Rassan. • significantly influenced by the originality of Octavia Butler’s Kindred. Hook Line - It is the 1300’s, an untested and naive emissary from a technologically advanced nation in Africa, inadvertently finds himself the only one capable of preventing a genocidal war set into motion by
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