New York Discussion and Critique - 2021
A forum for New York Pitch alums to post samples of their scenes and prose narrative for detailed critique according to Algonkian Author Connect guidelines. Emphasis on choice of set, narrative cinema, quality of dialogue, metaphor, static and dynamic imagery, interior monologue, general clarity, tone, suspense devices, and routine line editing issues as well.
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This topic and all future replies or new posts should relate directly to general social discussion on the part of March 2021 pitch alums. The normal rules of discussion boards apply. If you have questions specifically involving the event, contact us - info (at) algonkianconferences.com Best, Michael
Last reply by MichaelNeff, -
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This forum, and others here at Algonkian Author Connect, are designed to provide substantial assistance to aspiring authors seeking publication. Given our resources, organization, mission, and professional staff, AAC is well suited to prepare writers and their manuscripts not only for submission, but for novel contests, and the upcoming LA Cinematic Book Contest is on our radar. We have until September, 2021 to begin the entry process. AAC will sponsor ten manuscripts by alums for the contest, and pay the entry fees. Below are elements that all would-be narrative fiction artists should consider, regardless of genre - prior to fingers touching the keyboard, and w…
Last reply by MichaelNeff, -
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Opening scene : immediately introduces antagonist in his true form without cloak or pretense, a side the protagonist does not discover until the middle mark of the book (well after their mutual introduction and frequent visitations). Setting is on the roof of the Papal Palace in Avignon, France at around 1353. Tone is necessary to establish in the reader’s mind the danger the childlike and aloof protagonist is headed toward. ______ A gust of wind marked The Holy Roman Emperor’s entry into the Chambre du Cerf, Pope Clement VI’s favorite room in all the Papal palace. The unmistakable scent of burning flesh rushed through his nostrils having been carried inside by…
Last reply by JINJUP6RICHARDS, -
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Scene 1: Preying As part of her recent nightly routine, Alex Mercer watched from across the street as Henry Shen stepped out from his doorway with his briefcase and firmly locked the door behind him, oblivious to her shadow across the street cast by the streetlights. She saw the gold chain’s glint dangling around his neck as it swung. Embedded around his eyes was his occipital interface – titanium that ran around his orbits like metallic eyeliner. Across the street, the fleeting glow of Alex’s cigarette crumbled to ash when she rose, keeping a watchful distance. Alex followed Shen through San Francisco’s Chinatown night market, passing vendors selling c…
Last reply by JINJUP6RICHARDS, -
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Hello, this is my opening scene (my whole first chapter, actually, since it's 4 pages single spaced.) This introduces the antagonist (though my protagonist doesn't know Griselda is the antagonist yet,) establishes the setting of Whitefall and the conflict of Lucina's memory loss, and foreshadows the soul-eating monster (aka Griselda) conflict. Hopefully, Lucina comes off sympathetic and enjoyable to read about too! Chapter 1: Transition Numbness I think I might be a ghost. My limbs are weightless. Feathery. I bring my hand up to check, and yep, it’s see-through. Shit. My life is over. Literally. I’ll never get to travel to the Amazon rainforest.…
Last reply by JINJUP6RICHARDS, -
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Hello, this is my opening scene, which sucks so I hope I can get some suggestions on how to improve it. It introduces (or at least attempts to) the protagonist and antagonistic force, a few secondary characters, and the world and its magic system. Hopefully it's not too confusing or cringeworthy. I apologize if there are any typos. Thank you all so much in advance for the critique! CHAPTER I Winter, the Year of the Consulship of Paullus and Salinator Lydia stopped at the edge of the alleyway, peering through slitted eyes at the Forum. Marcus skidded to a stop behind her. They had followed the shouting and stomping, uncharacteristic of a Forum usually rife …
Last reply by Shola, -
Opening scene: Set in the upper estates of the kingdom of Buclaminta. Hild, a slave, is on his way home from working in the orchards and is attacked by a Kadai guard. He meets Sheehan Kasyl and learns that he must escape into the desert. This chapter briefly introduces our main female protagonist, Razya, who will be in the following chapter, and will meet up with Hild later in the story. CHAPTER 1 TWELVE TOLLS It was just days into harvest and Hild’s neck and cheeks were already stained pink from the sun. He swung the leather satchel of plums over his shoulder and glanced up at the heavy branches above-head. Blue and purple clusters of dark-fruits w…
Last reply by JINJUP6RICHARDS, -
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Hello, these are the first 500 or so words of my novel/my first scene. My goal is to set the scene and introduce my main character Yoonis. --- The feather was blue, bright blue, as blue as the sky on a clear arctic day. It gleamed against the red and gold-turned grasses of the tundra, outshining even the lakes and ponds that pooled up every summer on the treeless plains. “Look,” Yoonis whispered to her daughter, pointing to the feather. “What, Umma?” Jayu asked. “A firebird feather.” “Really?” Jayu breathed. “A firebird?” The awe in her daughter’s voice echoed Yoonis’s own sense of wonder. A firebird, rarest of all magical creatures, her…
Last reply by MingluJiangP6, -
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Opening Scene: The opening scene introduces my protagonist’s (Aurora) inner conflict of being unable to move on from the life she had before she died. Aurora’s love interest Genevieve (enemy to lover) is introduced, and there is the start of some worldbuilding with Genevieve teaching Aurora about The Other. Chapter One If there was a light at the end, I must have walked away from it. That was the only explanation of how I ended up in this purgatory. Actually, Hell was probably a better description. I don’t know what I expected death to be like, but it certainly wasn’t to spend my eternity haunting the halls of my former high school, Adirondack Prep. Appa…
Last reply by SonjaLegereP6, -
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Opening scene/first chapter. Introduces protagonist and one of her antagonists (twin sister). Also, tries to highlight the two different segments of society that the two are about to inhabit. The protagonist, has a desire that is thwarted, and must then come to terms with that colossal failure. Chapter One The sprawling metropolis that was Acragas stretched before Evelyn, the building sparkled like fallen stars that had taken up residence on the earth. Evelyn looked over her shoulder at the massive spire that stood in the center of the city. It strained towards the sky like a finger pointing the way to heaven. To ascend. To be even a little like one of the ancie…
Last reply by ZacharyShermanP6,
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Alternate History - Shola Adedeji - War Gods Of Africa
The unmistakable scent of burning flesh rushed through his nostrils having been carried inside by the newly opened door. The burning flesh catches my attention. I am confused though by what's being carried (the scent?) and how a newly opened door can carry a scent. Can you instead say something maybe about the "scent wafted through the open door"? Something like that. A trio of papal enforcers entered in from the tower’s staircase. I think I need more of a scene set. Right now there's a door, and a tower, and a room? Is the room inside the tower? Is the room at the base o -
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Blood Animus Scene 1
As part of her recent nightly routine, Alex Mercer watched from across the street as Henry Shen stepped out from his doorway with his briefcase and firmly locked the door behind him, oblivious to her shadow across the street cast by the streetlights. I got confused by what seems to be a POV hop. Alex seems to be the one whose viewpoint we're following, but when you throw in "firmly" and "oblivious to her shadow" I start to think we're hopping from Alex's POV to Henry's. Adding a "seemed to be" might help like "he seemed to be oblivious to her shadow across the street…" so that we can stay -
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Young Adult Speculative, Tatiana Schlote-Bonne, THE RULES OF HAUNTING
Your beginning is very good, gets my attention right away. I like this line as an explanation to her feelings: Why am I not freaking out? A wave of hysteria should be hitting me like a wrecking ball, but for some strange reason, it’s not. Normally, I have a panic attack by lunch. However, I notice this same explanation comes up several times in this same chapter. "Why am I still so calm about that? Trying to parallel park normally has me short of breath, blood pounding in my ears. Maybe that's it: no blood, no anxiety." "that was always one of my biggest fears, yet I'm pict -
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Adult Historical Fantasy - Minglu Jiang - THE LAST SORCERESS OF ROME
Hey Minglu! Just to start off, the imagery was well done. I was reading it outside and had been sitting on a bench for quite some time and didn’t realize how cold I was until I read the bit establishing setting. That's gotta count for something. This is only the opening so I tried to relegate my suggestions to things that maybe have general application. I will refer to the sections of the narrative that my suggestions apply, hope it doesn't add too much bulk and makes sense for you. "They had followed the shouting and stomping, uncharacteristic of a Forum usually rife wi -
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Young Adult Science Fiction - Laura Neibaur - BLOOD OF THE BELLFLOWER SERIES - BOOK 1: THE SIFTING
Hild was reminded of stories of desert tribes and unmarked paths across dangerous territories, but only warriors leave Buclaminta, and only the best return. Hild sighed. I'm not sure why you changed tenses here "only warriors leave Buclaminta." It reads better to me to keep it in past tense. "only warriors left Buclaminta, and only the best of them returned" something like that. Also, I get from reading your opening that Hild is sighing because he is not a warrior but a slave and therefore cannot leave (is that right?) but I don't think that comes across alone. Could you put here somethin -
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Adult Fantasy, Jinju Richards, THE SLAVE AND HER MAGICIAN
Hi Jinju! Thanks for posting! You did a great job setting up your world. From just these first 500 words, I've already gotten a good sense of how your world works. Yoonis is immediately sympathetic. I felt her anger with the injustice in her world and how it's affected her daughter. I just have a few suggestions. Like I have told everyone I've given feedback, take everything I say with a few grains of salt as I'm still learning. -The feather is otherworldly, immediately introducing the reader to the magical aspect of your world, and plays an important role in the scene, but it may not be -
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Young Adult Science Fiction - Laura Neibaur - BLOOD OF THE BELLFLOWER SERIES - BOOK 1: THE SIFTING
Hi Laura! Thanks for posting. Your writing is lovely, and I'm extremely intrigued by the world you're building here. I love the part with the Kadai guard--it shows immediately whom we should be sympathizing with. I have just a few suggestions, and do take them with several grains of salt as I'm still learning as well: -I want to live in this place, it sounds so beautiful (minus the slavery and cruel imperial guards, of course). Your descriptions are absolutely gorgeous. It might not be the most riveting way to start the chapter though. -Razya is mostly introduced through Hild think -
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Adult Historical Fantasy - Minglu Jiang - THE LAST SORCERESS OF ROME
I was confused by the first paragraph, too many new names and new places, Lydia, Marcus, Forum, the Theikos. It took me a few re-reads to realize that Lydia and Marcus were investigating the Forum because the Forum was being noisy in a new way (since marketplaces are usually noisy this wasn't an easy concept to follow). I think you show what the Forum is and why Lydia might want to investigate it in a much better way with your second paragraph. Would it work to go from your first sentence "Lydia stopped…" straight onto a second sentence "People were crowding the city square, pressing up agains -
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